Thinking we can change other people is an illusion. The best kinds of relationships are the ones where both people are free to be themselves.
I spent way too long in the past worried about the outcome of my friendships/relationships. The most liberating thing was how these last few years I found the strength to release the relationships to be whatever they wanted to be and to release the other person to do whatever they wanted to. Having lived a year and a half stripped of my friends, my family, my loved-ones, and my precious belongings...I learned to change with the tide of life and to focus on what matters most.
My expectations are still high of those I let in, but they are realistic, and based on who the people in my life really are...not my own expectations of them. I have adopted the practice of vigorous acceptance. If someone acts in a way that disagrees with me, I let them. I only have to remind myself that they are free to behave however they want...just as I am.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Retrospective
Current mood: grateful
Here it is...over half-way through November and the year is coming to a quick close! I cannot believe how quickly it has flashed by!
Every year, about this time, I get into this retrospective mood. I can't explain why...I don't really know, but I become this incredibly deep person that I love and miss for the whole following year, until this time rolls back around.
This year has been one that will certainly go down in my memory book as a time of revolutionary growth for me. The year began with me still in Iraq...and I remember New Year's Eve very well. It was a bitter-cold evening. Everyone around got out their secret bottles of booze (the ones that they had managed to not drink in the previous weekends of craziness). I heard Jeni's bottles clanging, and Jade ruffling under her bed to try to find her bottle of Vodka. Haha. Those were some good times...what a bunch of alcoholics we all were!
But alcohol was not on my agenda that evening. I wanted to go outside and feel the breeze. I wanted to go to the phone center and call my friends and family back home. I bundled up, picked up my M-16 and headed out the door of our barracks building towards the designated bus stop, which was about a quarter of a mile away. After exhausting an hour waiting for a bus to show up...I decided to go by foot. (This was about a 4 or 5 mile journey.)
That night, I truly felt the fact that I was in a foreign land, alone and vulnerable to many dangers as the wind blew chills right through me. I didn't look around much as I walked... I mostly tried holding my booney cap on my head, in an attempt to also block the wind from my ears. I saw some headlights, but no tail-lights...to my luck. So I just kept walking. A part of me hoped that someone would be kind enough to be willing to drive back towards town with me. But no one stopped, no one bothered to offer me a ride. Before long, I was crying. I was so cold, and I was too far to turn back around.
I remembered how I had spent so many of my nights drinking in the previous weeks. Drinking was the only comfort that any of us had to numb us to the fact of how much it sucked being so far from our lives...our loved ones, and our dear friends. Drinking was the only drug to keep us away from the harsh realities.
But New Year's Eve, I was not in the mood to drown the emotions I was feeling. I wanted to feel again... I just wanted to let myself feel a little fear, a little cold, a little pain... And that I did. With this one gush of wind that chilled me to the core, I felt my heart skipping beats in my chest.---I had never cried like that, and have yet to cry like that again. I suppose that at that moment, I was too strongly conscious of the presence of that all-powerful God of Youth—of that capacity to be entirely transformed into an aspiration or idea—the capacity to wish and to do—to throw oneself headlong into a bottomless abyss without knowing why or wherefore. I was conscious of the fact that I was going home in a few months and that my life would be frightenly different. I was conscious of the presence of God...and the hand that He played in having sent me to a desert land to experience first-hand the woes of religious extremism, of ignorance, and of intolerance... to experience first-hand why politics should and do matter to my daily life... to experience first-hand how ONE person can at least change the world for one other person.
That night, as I continued walking towards the phone center, I grieved the loss of my closeted life, the loss of my barrier from the world, the loss of my ability to deny who I am, and the loss of my capacity to live selfishly and so unaware of the woes of people both around me and far away. I was, a new person. I was scared, not for my life...though perhaps that was one night, if any, that I should have been. I was frightened of the unknown...the uncertainties of my future.
And it's funny how tonight...as I sit here on my bed, in the comforts of the home I grew up in...with blankets to keep me warm, with no need for an M-16, and with the world at my finger-tips...I feel the same fear, the same cold, and the same pain of the uncertainties of tomorrow.
Here it is...over half-way through November and the year is coming to a quick close! I cannot believe how quickly it has flashed by!
Every year, about this time, I get into this retrospective mood. I can't explain why...I don't really know, but I become this incredibly deep person that I love and miss for the whole following year, until this time rolls back around.
This year has been one that will certainly go down in my memory book as a time of revolutionary growth for me. The year began with me still in Iraq...and I remember New Year's Eve very well. It was a bitter-cold evening. Everyone around got out their secret bottles of booze (the ones that they had managed to not drink in the previous weekends of craziness). I heard Jeni's bottles clanging, and Jade ruffling under her bed to try to find her bottle of Vodka. Haha. Those were some good times...what a bunch of alcoholics we all were!
But alcohol was not on my agenda that evening. I wanted to go outside and feel the breeze. I wanted to go to the phone center and call my friends and family back home. I bundled up, picked up my M-16 and headed out the door of our barracks building towards the designated bus stop, which was about a quarter of a mile away. After exhausting an hour waiting for a bus to show up...I decided to go by foot. (This was about a 4 or 5 mile journey.)
That night, I truly felt the fact that I was in a foreign land, alone and vulnerable to many dangers as the wind blew chills right through me. I didn't look around much as I walked... I mostly tried holding my booney cap on my head, in an attempt to also block the wind from my ears. I saw some headlights, but no tail-lights...to my luck. So I just kept walking. A part of me hoped that someone would be kind enough to be willing to drive back towards town with me. But no one stopped, no one bothered to offer me a ride. Before long, I was crying. I was so cold, and I was too far to turn back around.
I remembered how I had spent so many of my nights drinking in the previous weeks. Drinking was the only comfort that any of us had to numb us to the fact of how much it sucked being so far from our lives...our loved ones, and our dear friends. Drinking was the only drug to keep us away from the harsh realities.
But New Year's Eve, I was not in the mood to drown the emotions I was feeling. I wanted to feel again... I just wanted to let myself feel a little fear, a little cold, a little pain... And that I did. With this one gush of wind that chilled me to the core, I felt my heart skipping beats in my chest.---I had never cried like that, and have yet to cry like that again. I suppose that at that moment, I was too strongly conscious of the presence of that all-powerful God of Youth—of that capacity to be entirely transformed into an aspiration or idea—the capacity to wish and to do—to throw oneself headlong into a bottomless abyss without knowing why or wherefore. I was conscious of the fact that I was going home in a few months and that my life would be frightenly different. I was conscious of the presence of God...and the hand that He played in having sent me to a desert land to experience first-hand the woes of religious extremism, of ignorance, and of intolerance... to experience first-hand why politics should and do matter to my daily life... to experience first-hand how ONE person can at least change the world for one other person.
That night, as I continued walking towards the phone center, I grieved the loss of my closeted life, the loss of my barrier from the world, the loss of my ability to deny who I am, and the loss of my capacity to live selfishly and so unaware of the woes of people both around me and far away. I was, a new person. I was scared, not for my life...though perhaps that was one night, if any, that I should have been. I was frightened of the unknown...the uncertainties of my future.
And it's funny how tonight...as I sit here on my bed, in the comforts of the home I grew up in...with blankets to keep me warm, with no need for an M-16, and with the world at my finger-tips...I feel the same fear, the same cold, and the same pain of the uncertainties of tomorrow.
Friday, November 11, 2005
God Bless America
I love America. I mean, I honestly, whole-heartedly, full-throttle love this country! I love it so much that I even joined the Army Reserves. I love it so much that I served some military time in Iraq. I love this country so much that I live here away from most of my family (whom live in Brazil).
But I am angry, Uncle Sam! This marks 13 months since I turned in my naturalization papers. Still no word from INS. And now, I am angry, Texas! I am angry at the fact that I fought to defend the freedoms of so many Americans...the freedoms that most of us so take for granted. And here my freedoms have been limited because of narrow-minded, conservative, Christian, Republicans...and this is because the non-conservative crowd are too selfish and irresponsible to go out and vote for their own good. I cannot vote. Or else I would have definitely put my 2 cents in on this election held November 8th. But I don't have that freedom, that right, or that priviledge.
to be continued....
But I am angry, Uncle Sam! This marks 13 months since I turned in my naturalization papers. Still no word from INS. And now, I am angry, Texas! I am angry at the fact that I fought to defend the freedoms of so many Americans...the freedoms that most of us so take for granted. And here my freedoms have been limited because of narrow-minded, conservative, Christian, Republicans...and this is because the non-conservative crowd are too selfish and irresponsible to go out and vote for their own good. I cannot vote. Or else I would have definitely put my 2 cents in on this election held November 8th. But I don't have that freedom, that right, or that priviledge.
to be continued....
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Silence Does NOT Speak Volumes!
si·lence n.
The condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent.
The absence of sound; stillness.
A period of time without speech or noise.
Refusal or failure to speak out.
If there's one valuable lesson that I've learned this year about relating and dating, it would have to be that silence does NOT speak volumes! In fact, everytime that I have given someone the silence as a tool of cluing them into the fact that I'm NOT interested in them, it has back-fired or fueled the fire even more.
The truth of the matter is that I just have high expectations for those I let in. Usually I only let people in who I see something spectacular in...this drive, this passion, this karma, this incredible energy or incredible potential. I do not care for loosers (ie. people who do not make any effort towards humanity and do nothing to improve the dissatisfactions that they have about their own lives).--This goes for friendships, as well as for people I date.
I refuse to believe that there are people who are worthless in this world. However, I have come across a few too many people that just don't give a care about what their purpose is in life. They live their lives soaking up all the resources around them and sucking other people dry while they themselves do nothing to improve their circumstance.
You may be thinking, "What in the world does any of this have to do with the first comment about silence??" Well, I will explain...
In my life, I have few that have been silent. These would be people that find it necessary to withdraw themselves from my friendship because they lack the guts to admitt that I make them uncomfortable. What's so hard about saying that??? I'm not so fragile that I cannot handle it. As a matter of fact, I am one that thrives on confrontations and I love conflict for the shear fact that it causes me to MOVE...to GROW...it sparks me into a metamorphic phase and I become a better person for it. I do not wallow in self-pity over one person who does not like me for some reason...I like to know the reason so that I can work on it.
The condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent.
The absence of sound; stillness.
A period of time without speech or noise.
Refusal or failure to speak out.
If there's one valuable lesson that I've learned this year about relating and dating, it would have to be that silence does NOT speak volumes! In fact, everytime that I have given someone the silence as a tool of cluing them into the fact that I'm NOT interested in them, it has back-fired or fueled the fire even more.
The truth of the matter is that I just have high expectations for those I let in. Usually I only let people in who I see something spectacular in...this drive, this passion, this karma, this incredible energy or incredible potential. I do not care for loosers (ie. people who do not make any effort towards humanity and do nothing to improve the dissatisfactions that they have about their own lives).--This goes for friendships, as well as for people I date.
I refuse to believe that there are people who are worthless in this world. However, I have come across a few too many people that just don't give a care about what their purpose is in life. They live their lives soaking up all the resources around them and sucking other people dry while they themselves do nothing to improve their circumstance.
You may be thinking, "What in the world does any of this have to do with the first comment about silence??" Well, I will explain...
In my life, I have few that have been silent. These would be people that find it necessary to withdraw themselves from my friendship because they lack the guts to admitt that I make them uncomfortable. What's so hard about saying that??? I'm not so fragile that I cannot handle it. As a matter of fact, I am one that thrives on confrontations and I love conflict for the shear fact that it causes me to MOVE...to GROW...it sparks me into a metamorphic phase and I become a better person for it. I do not wallow in self-pity over one person who does not like me for some reason...I like to know the reason so that I can work on it.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Craziness
This has been the craziest and most entertaining week! First, to meet such a great and interesting girl...and then to be scouted out by a couple of hotties who finally got my digits this weekend. And to be having mimosas with them and then cutting up the dance floor yet again and partying yet again....and partying yet again. ;)
And then to reunite with a couple ole highschool buddies. Man...this has been a crazy week! What next?
I will try to write more tomorrow on this here above....
And here we are...it's "tomorrow" and I'm writing a little more.
And then to reunite with a couple ole highschool buddies. Man...this has been a crazy week! What next?
I will try to write more tomorrow on this here above....
And here we are...it's "tomorrow" and I'm writing a little more.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
HAZ MAT
No matter how blithely aware I may be that my arrival to any budding romance will be accompanied by a full set emotional Louis Vuitton of my own, any trace of it in someone else I meet with immediate misgiving. I think I have learned this about myself and have in this last week decided to ease up a little.
So....I was at Sue Ellen's last night (surprise surprise!) with a friend I met over a month ago named Angeline. She's a cute tiny little Malasian chick and so incredibly sharp! I think I FINALLY am getting to know someone in-person and on a *friendship* level that is on my same page. We went to this pub called Idle Rich for starters and got bored with the straight crowd. So, we decided to go to the gayborhood and kareoki/dance/check girls out. I have big ole feet for my tiny frame and Angeline wore sandals...of the thongy type. I tried spinning her around and 2-stepping at RoundUp. Of course, she's like a foot and a half shorter than me....Well...all I have to say about that is she was quickly out-of-order for dancing and that led us to Sue Ellen's for the chick-scoping.
We arrive and there's hardly a soul there. But we were in high-spirits and we decided to stick it out. Sure enough...a nice little crowd showed about 45 minutes later! I'd say we were about ready to call it quits for the night when this TALL guy approached me and asked me if I thought this girl behind him was cute. I had caught her taking a look at me in the corner of my eye earlier, and I thought she was OK-looking (mind you...it was all from the CORNER of my eye). So I said, "sure". So he had her introduce herself and we really hit it off! I think she's incredibly funny and witty, intellectual, and yes, she was really cute...such BEAUTIFUL eyes!
Turns out we have a 3 person web connection to one another. This Lesbian World is sure starting to get small on me!!! Turns out that she also lives in Plano and is going to my community college at the same campus, around the same times. So we met up for lunch today. It was pleasant and I am glad I wasn't my normal..."I'm not interested in talking to anyone" self last night. She's also the type that likes to get to know someone before being interested in them romantically...so I FINALLY met someone that isn't making me feel like I'm being harassed. *good thing*
I am a total skeptic when it comes to meeting people at bars or online. Haha. This has been the story of my life lately, though! Most the people I've met have major emotional Louis Vuitton going on. I personally don't care if they have a little baggage, but I like the concept of stowing it in the under-carriage. The whole "best friends" thing with ex's...I don't really mind it, but I don't know that I can do that now. But the having casual sex with random people just to feel a connection thing...not for me. I am just not a big fan of carrying my ex's around with me once we break up or of having casual sex with people...at least I haven't been since I came out, anyway. My ex-boyfriends are a different story. Most of them are sweet-hearts and I felt awful for "lying" to them about who I really was. I did have a connection with them, just not the same they had with me. I have maintained most of them as good friends, and I don't think they are baggage because there's absolutely NO way that I would ever go back to any of them or date them or cheat on my girlfriend with one of them. But the casual sex thing was also an instrument I used not to have to admitt to myself that I was gay. And I'm not using that as an excuse...I was the type, but now NO WAY!
I think that keeping ex-girlfriends around pose a threat to current relationships. And women are naturally jealous...posing a threat in itself. Drama Drama Drama. Ex's are like HAZ MAT...
Otherwise known as Hazardous Material.
So....I was at Sue Ellen's last night (surprise surprise!) with a friend I met over a month ago named Angeline. She's a cute tiny little Malasian chick and so incredibly sharp! I think I FINALLY am getting to know someone in-person and on a *friendship* level that is on my same page. We went to this pub called Idle Rich for starters and got bored with the straight crowd. So, we decided to go to the gayborhood and kareoki/dance/check girls out. I have big ole feet for my tiny frame and Angeline wore sandals...of the thongy type. I tried spinning her around and 2-stepping at RoundUp. Of course, she's like a foot and a half shorter than me....Well...all I have to say about that is she was quickly out-of-order for dancing and that led us to Sue Ellen's for the chick-scoping.
We arrive and there's hardly a soul there. But we were in high-spirits and we decided to stick it out. Sure enough...a nice little crowd showed about 45 minutes later! I'd say we were about ready to call it quits for the night when this TALL guy approached me and asked me if I thought this girl behind him was cute. I had caught her taking a look at me in the corner of my eye earlier, and I thought she was OK-looking (mind you...it was all from the CORNER of my eye). So I said, "sure". So he had her introduce herself and we really hit it off! I think she's incredibly funny and witty, intellectual, and yes, she was really cute...such BEAUTIFUL eyes!
Turns out we have a 3 person web connection to one another. This Lesbian World is sure starting to get small on me!!! Turns out that she also lives in Plano and is going to my community college at the same campus, around the same times. So we met up for lunch today. It was pleasant and I am glad I wasn't my normal..."I'm not interested in talking to anyone" self last night. She's also the type that likes to get to know someone before being interested in them romantically...so I FINALLY met someone that isn't making me feel like I'm being harassed. *good thing*
I am a total skeptic when it comes to meeting people at bars or online. Haha. This has been the story of my life lately, though! Most the people I've met have major emotional Louis Vuitton going on. I personally don't care if they have a little baggage, but I like the concept of stowing it in the under-carriage. The whole "best friends" thing with ex's...I don't really mind it, but I don't know that I can do that now. But the having casual sex with random people just to feel a connection thing...not for me. I am just not a big fan of carrying my ex's around with me once we break up or of having casual sex with people...at least I haven't been since I came out, anyway. My ex-boyfriends are a different story. Most of them are sweet-hearts and I felt awful for "lying" to them about who I really was. I did have a connection with them, just not the same they had with me. I have maintained most of them as good friends, and I don't think they are baggage because there's absolutely NO way that I would ever go back to any of them or date them or cheat on my girlfriend with one of them. But the casual sex thing was also an instrument I used not to have to admitt to myself that I was gay. And I'm not using that as an excuse...I was the type, but now NO WAY!
I think that keeping ex-girlfriends around pose a threat to current relationships. And women are naturally jealous...posing a threat in itself. Drama Drama Drama. Ex's are like HAZ MAT...
Otherwise known as Hazardous Material.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Distraction subtraction
My face is red and blotchy. I need to change makeup.
Lately I've been too distracted. I haven't been able to concentrate. I've been studying, but my enthusiasm isn't where it needs to be. So I'm going to try something new.
I hate routine. Seriously, I dislike it. But it may be time for me to try it and see how it works. So I'm going to set the old alarm clock for 7:00 tomorrow morning. I'm going to get up, get a quick shower, deal with email and whatnot for no more than an hour, then I'm going to write until nine. Two and a half hours in the morning. Go to school, maybe take a walk after lunch. Then class again from two until four thirty and then dinner and class again until .
We'll see how that goes.
Jen's flight was delayed. Or changed. Or something. There was a mixup. She's coming in to Love Field at 8:45. I'm going to go pick her up, of course, because that's what the good friend does. That's the job. A job I'm only too happy to do, because I know how nice it is to be picked up at the airport. There's nothing quite so lonely as showing up at an airport, either at home or away, and having to go hail a cab. It's a miserable, depressing place. There are thousands of people, tens of thousands, all around you, all going in their own various directions, none of them making eye contact or striking up a conversation.
So close. Within reach. People, all around us. Other souls. Other minds. Thinking original, unique thoughts, thoughts we've never heard before. They'll share them, if you give them half a chance. Strike up a conversation. Hear something you've never heard before.
--If anybody out there knows me, you'll recognize that the previous sentiment was totally in character for me. What can I say? I'm slowly comming back to being myself. In a way, I think I have evolved. But most of the time lately, I have kept to myself.
Every day I wake up a different person from the person I was when I went to sleep the previous night. Most people find this surprising and disconcerting. So I try not to advertise it too much. It's not that I don't think I'm a great person...it's that I don't think people should be so content in who they are...we are human and there's always something that needs a Spring cleaning job inside of us.
Douche Bag
Saturday night as I head for Sue Ellen's (my fucking favorite place in this whole wide world!) I run into, none other than, Jade. Yes, Jade and her best friend Jennifer (not Jen by the way). I keep hanging with Jade. Then this girl, Angeline, that I happened to meet the same night that I met "Crazy Australian" is there and we proceed to bash "Crazy Australian" and all her psycho schemes while dancing to the music.
By the end of the night I had my ass grabbed by "poopy pants older woman"...who by the way, did NOT have poopy pants this night...and yes, she is damn fine...I still can't get over the fact she crapped her pants the night we met, though!
So, back to Jade...who was ditched by her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend while in terrible shape...attempts to drive her truck. I have her take me to my car, and then she passes out in her truck in the parking lot.
So I drag her into my car and take her home. Then call Joel up to take me to her truck so I can drive it to Jade's place. When I get into her truck, I notice bag full of beer cans that half are empty and other half still have beer.
Things become evident that Jade is an alcoholic and now I'm not so angry at her anymore.
But still, I'm officially a douche bag and retarded.
By the end of the night I had my ass grabbed by "poopy pants older woman"...who by the way, did NOT have poopy pants this night...and yes, she is damn fine...I still can't get over the fact she crapped her pants the night we met, though!
So, back to Jade...who was ditched by her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend while in terrible shape...attempts to drive her truck. I have her take me to my car, and then she passes out in her truck in the parking lot.
So I drag her into my car and take her home. Then call Joel up to take me to her truck so I can drive it to Jade's place. When I get into her truck, I notice bag full of beer cans that half are empty and other half still have beer.
Things become evident that Jade is an alcoholic and now I'm not so angry at her anymore.
But still, I'm officially a douche bag and retarded.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
You know what’d be cool right now? Blogging.
I should be blogging today, I really should. I’ve got a great excuse why I’m not, but I’m not gonna tell you what it is, Internet, because it’s none of your beeswax. How you like that, Internet? Huh? Huh? The girl who lives a life of perfect transparency has a secret or two after all. How you like me now?
Okay, I’ll quit taunting you with my secret. But anyway, I’ve got this thing going on, and it’s distracting me. Makes it tough for me to concentrate. So any blogging that happens today is gonna be purely coincidental.
And thanks for asking, but no, it’s nothing bad. It’s just the opposite. What’s the opposite of bad again? That word I hardly ever use? Oh, right. Good. It’s good, Internet. It’s six kinds of good with hot good sauce and whipped good and a cherry right on the very tip-top.
Neener-neener, I have a secret.
Oh, right. Stop with the taunting. Sorry, Internet. I know you’re sensitive about that kind of thing.
[snicker]
Late-night ennui
This morning — well, technically yesterday morning, being as how it’s after midnight now — I was thinking about late-summer malaise, about the doldrums, about ennui.
I’m going to revisit this topic, not because I’ve got a whole lot to say on it, but because I can’t sleep and I have to write something.
I think there are people out there who understand ennui and people who don’t. Ennui, to me, is an overwhelming sense of what’s-the-point. It’s a low-grade existential crisis, a sense that nothing matters, that nothing means anything. It’s an acute case of profound disinterest in the world and all there is in it. I mean, really: who cares?
For some people, ennui is just a word, something experienced by other people, or maybe not even experienced but just talked about by people who want to give off the impression that life is somehow harder for them than it is for everybody else and that they’re in some way special.
For me, ennui is the real deal. It hits me periodically, and when it does, it just weighs me down. This is because life is harder for me, and I’m special. Remember that.
Ennui is distinct from depression. Depression isn’t ennui. Ennui is an entirely different emotion. Depression is an ice pick through the heart. Ennui is a cold drip through the short hairs at the back of your neck. Depression is “just fucking kill yourself and get it over with.” Ennui is “oh, why bother.”
I have ennui tonight. Tonight it feels like the whole damn country has ennui. It’s gonna rain tomorrow. Nobody will move. Everyone will sit in their air-conditioned enclaves and wait for the clouds to part and for the sun to go down and end the day.
There are a lot of great things about living in Texas. The weather ain’t one of them. Neither is the ennui.
I’m going to revisit this topic, not because I’ve got a whole lot to say on it, but because I can’t sleep and I have to write something.
I think there are people out there who understand ennui and people who don’t. Ennui, to me, is an overwhelming sense of what’s-the-point. It’s a low-grade existential crisis, a sense that nothing matters, that nothing means anything. It’s an acute case of profound disinterest in the world and all there is in it. I mean, really: who cares?
For some people, ennui is just a word, something experienced by other people, or maybe not even experienced but just talked about by people who want to give off the impression that life is somehow harder for them than it is for everybody else and that they’re in some way special.
For me, ennui is the real deal. It hits me periodically, and when it does, it just weighs me down. This is because life is harder for me, and I’m special. Remember that.
Ennui is distinct from depression. Depression isn’t ennui. Ennui is an entirely different emotion. Depression is an ice pick through the heart. Ennui is a cold drip through the short hairs at the back of your neck. Depression is “just fucking kill yourself and get it over with.” Ennui is “oh, why bother.”
I have ennui tonight. Tonight it feels like the whole damn country has ennui. It’s gonna rain tomorrow. Nobody will move. Everyone will sit in their air-conditioned enclaves and wait for the clouds to part and for the sun to go down and end the day.
There are a lot of great things about living in Texas. The weather ain’t one of them. Neither is the ennui.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Rumination on impulsiveness
So I was talking to a friend the other week at Sue Ellen's. And suddenly, out of the blue, she says, “I got another tattoo!” (All quotes are paraphrases. )
This friend — whom we’ll call Jade because that’s her name — has several tattoos already. She insists that she got her latest tattoo before all her financial shit went down, and I believe her. At least I say that I do, because I know what’s good for me.
We’ve talked about tattoos before, and she’s told me that she’d like, in the abstract, “someday” sense of the word, to get another one. “Well,” I allowed, “I’ve always been kind of interested in getting one myself.” She perked up at this. “Really?” she asked. I explained how I’ve always liked the idea of having a little tattoo somewhere on my body, someplace out of sight, just purely for decorative purposes. I told her how I liked the idea of having something unique about me, something demonstrable that I can point to and say, “Nobody else has this. This is mine alone.”
Plus there’s the girl factor, of course. “Do you have any tattoos?” she’ll say. “Yes,” I’ll say casually. “Can I see it?” she’ll say. And then we’re off to the races.
Jade and I talked in greater detail about what I’d get if I were going to get something. I told her that it would have to be on my back, because I don’t want it to be someplace where I can see it. I explained that I’m an incredibly critical and cynical person, and that if I can see it, there’s going to be something about it that I don’t like, something about it that bugs me. So I want it to be someplace where I can only see it if I really go looking for it.
I further explained that I’d want something wholly abstract, not at all representative of anything. I wouldn’t want it to look like anything or symbolize anything because it’s going to be on me for the rest of my life, and I don’t want it to become irrelevant, or worse, to represent something I no longer value.
So we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more, and finally she said to me, “When you decide you’re ready, let me know. You can come to town and we’ll go get inked together.”
That was a week ago. Last weekend she says to me, out of the blue and apropos of nothing, “I’m getting another tattoo!” Just like that, just all of a sudden. I asked her why, and she said that over the past couple of days — since the previous Sunday — she’s decided that she’s just going to get it done. Like, now. “If I had the money, I’d get it this weekend,” she said.
I think she saw it on my face. “What is it?” she asked. I didn’t know how to say it, so I deflected. “That seems really … impulsive,” I said. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but then again I did. Jade is an impulsive person. That’s just how she is. That's why she's out of a job again, and in more financial trouble...AND I'M NOT BAILING HER OUT OF IT THIS TIME! She does things on impulse, so deciding on a Sunday that she wants a tattoo and having it by Saturday is not out of character for her at all. In fact, if anything, what’s out of character is the wait. I’m a little surprised she didn’t get it done on Sunday.
So we talked about impulsiveness for a minute, and frankly I made a big mess of it. She thought I was being critical of her, that I was looking down on her for being impulsive. That wasn’t it at all. I couldn’t find the words to say what I wanted to say.
Naturally, the minute I ran off, the words came pouring into my head.
It’s not that I think impulsiveness is bad. It’s just that I’m not at all impulsive. I can’t do anything without second thoughts and cold feet. I can’t buy a gallon of milk at the store without some kind of reservations about it. That’s just who I am; it’s just part of my personality. So the idea of getting a tattoo, something that’s absolutely permanent, frankly fills me with apprehension.
When I said all that to Jade, she thought I was criticizing her. I wasn’t. I was telling her that I’m jealous!
I really wish sometimes that I could be more carefree, more daring, more impulsive. Not about silly things like tattoos, but about big things in my life. A few days ago I had a chance to join a new company; I decided not to because I would have had to drop a class. Now I wish I had the guts to go ahead and drop the class. And who knows how many girls have walked past me, turned the corner and disappeared because I was too nervous to talk to them.
So when Jade calls me up and says, “I’m getting a tattoo!” and my first reaction is one of fear and apprehension, it just serves to underscore the fact that I’m more uptight than I wish I were.
I think the right path through life is the narrow path. I think it’s appropriate to be nervous and unsure sometimes, but I think it’s also appropriate — or even necessary — to throw caution to the wind sometimes.
So what do you think? Should I just say “Screw it” and get a tattoo?
This friend — whom we’ll call Jade because that’s her name — has several tattoos already. She insists that she got her latest tattoo before all her financial shit went down, and I believe her. At least I say that I do, because I know what’s good for me.
We’ve talked about tattoos before, and she’s told me that she’d like, in the abstract, “someday” sense of the word, to get another one. “Well,” I allowed, “I’ve always been kind of interested in getting one myself.” She perked up at this. “Really?” she asked. I explained how I’ve always liked the idea of having a little tattoo somewhere on my body, someplace out of sight, just purely for decorative purposes. I told her how I liked the idea of having something unique about me, something demonstrable that I can point to and say, “Nobody else has this. This is mine alone.”
Plus there’s the girl factor, of course. “Do you have any tattoos?” she’ll say. “Yes,” I’ll say casually. “Can I see it?” she’ll say. And then we’re off to the races.
Jade and I talked in greater detail about what I’d get if I were going to get something. I told her that it would have to be on my back, because I don’t want it to be someplace where I can see it. I explained that I’m an incredibly critical and cynical person, and that if I can see it, there’s going to be something about it that I don’t like, something about it that bugs me. So I want it to be someplace where I can only see it if I really go looking for it.
I further explained that I’d want something wholly abstract, not at all representative of anything. I wouldn’t want it to look like anything or symbolize anything because it’s going to be on me for the rest of my life, and I don’t want it to become irrelevant, or worse, to represent something I no longer value.
So we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more, and finally she said to me, “When you decide you’re ready, let me know. You can come to town and we’ll go get inked together.”
That was a week ago. Last weekend she says to me, out of the blue and apropos of nothing, “I’m getting another tattoo!” Just like that, just all of a sudden. I asked her why, and she said that over the past couple of days — since the previous Sunday — she’s decided that she’s just going to get it done. Like, now. “If I had the money, I’d get it this weekend,” she said.
I think she saw it on my face. “What is it?” she asked. I didn’t know how to say it, so I deflected. “That seems really … impulsive,” I said. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but then again I did. Jade is an impulsive person. That’s just how she is. That's why she's out of a job again, and in more financial trouble...AND I'M NOT BAILING HER OUT OF IT THIS TIME! She does things on impulse, so deciding on a Sunday that she wants a tattoo and having it by Saturday is not out of character for her at all. In fact, if anything, what’s out of character is the wait. I’m a little surprised she didn’t get it done on Sunday.
So we talked about impulsiveness for a minute, and frankly I made a big mess of it. She thought I was being critical of her, that I was looking down on her for being impulsive. That wasn’t it at all. I couldn’t find the words to say what I wanted to say.
Naturally, the minute I ran off, the words came pouring into my head.
It’s not that I think impulsiveness is bad. It’s just that I’m not at all impulsive. I can’t do anything without second thoughts and cold feet. I can’t buy a gallon of milk at the store without some kind of reservations about it. That’s just who I am; it’s just part of my personality. So the idea of getting a tattoo, something that’s absolutely permanent, frankly fills me with apprehension.
When I said all that to Jade, she thought I was criticizing her. I wasn’t. I was telling her that I’m jealous!
I really wish sometimes that I could be more carefree, more daring, more impulsive. Not about silly things like tattoos, but about big things in my life. A few days ago I had a chance to join a new company; I decided not to because I would have had to drop a class. Now I wish I had the guts to go ahead and drop the class. And who knows how many girls have walked past me, turned the corner and disappeared because I was too nervous to talk to them.
So when Jade calls me up and says, “I’m getting a tattoo!” and my first reaction is one of fear and apprehension, it just serves to underscore the fact that I’m more uptight than I wish I were.
I think the right path through life is the narrow path. I think it’s appropriate to be nervous and unsure sometimes, but I think it’s also appropriate — or even necessary — to throw caution to the wind sometimes.
So what do you think? Should I just say “Screw it” and get a tattoo?
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
She is
Everytime I doubt, she makes me believe again. Everytime I'm insecure...she makes me change my mind. She's a great person...I do NOT deserve her in my life!
A whimsical assortment of things that totally jack my shit
So e-mail, right? E-to-tha-mail. Electronic mail.
Why is it that electronic mail can turn a perfectly intelligent, normal person into a blathering idiot? And I’m so totally including myself there, even though I said normal which as I have already established I am so very not. But just roll with it, kay baby?
Let us consider for a moment the notion of e-mail letters. You write an e-mail, then you send it out, and the person you sent it to gets the e-mail. Tight. Only it doesn’t work like that. What really happens is that you write an e-mail that says exactly what's on your mind, and you know you don't really plan on sending the damn thing. You just write what you really want to say and then you go through it and cut out the parts that are too introspective. Well, what really happens is that you fucking click “send” before you fucking edit the document, and you can do nothing about it but sit back and hope that person realizes that you're not such a douche bag as the email they got reveals you to be.
And it never, ever happens when you don't care what the person thinks, oh no. ’Cause that would allow you to cordon off your humiliation in a nice, manageable chunk. No, instead it happens when you’re sending an e-mail to someone are somewhat interested in. And you type your message and you click “send” and it’s like everything goes into slow motion like in a really fucking bad Michael Bay picture but I repeat myself.
And for the rest of the week, you wonder if the people in the next table over at Sue's are cracking jokes about how you should have your mittens safety-pinned to your jacket, and God you just wanna kill everybody.
So the other week, somebody sent me a package. They UPS’d this thing, and they apparently checked the little box that says “Make this motherfucker as inconvenient for the recipient as possible” and then they checked the little box below it that says “No really, for serious, make ’em suffer.”
And the UPS guy comes to my house, only I wasn’t home because I was busy with Army stuff. And instead of leaving the package he puts one of those little stickers on the door, you know the ones, the ones with the totally false air of sincerity and cheerfulness. “Sorry we missed you!” And then there’s like a fucking 1040 form or DD form, and if you want the driver to come back during the next full moon and leave your package for you in your mailbox with two black truffles and a tin of Osestra caviar on top, you check this thing and then sign this thing and then initial here and then attach a copy of your credit report or some shit.
So I spent like an hour filling out this form and I slapped it back on my door and went inside to do three quick shots of tequila.
Next day I come home all looking forward to my package and shit, and what do I find but another fucking 1040 form stuck to my door. And the driver guy had taken his little ballpoint pen and circled, like ten times, the tiny little print at the bottom that says “IN PERSON SIGNATURE REQUIRED.” Which is bogus, because there’s not gonna be an in-person to give a signature, because I already told you I’m out. So I got me a good annoyed on.
So the next day, on the Dart train, I call the little 800 number on the UPS door form thing, only it wasn’t an 800 number but like an 877 number or some shit but I still call ’em 800 numbers so deal. And I relate to the tomato on the other end of the line my tale of woe, and she’s all, “We can deliver that package to another address for you.”
I tell her yeah, take it to so-n-so which is the address of the place where I’m at, and like three hours later there’s the package sitting in front of me. Happy ending, right? All’s well and all that? Maybe you need to read the headline again, man. This post isn’t about happy endings. It’s about things that totally jack my shit. And when I took that package home and unleashed some red hot Swiss Army action on it and opened it up to find enclosed one (1) book about bartending (1) bartender kit, and (1) form to fill out by [X] date that already past to take the certification exam, my shit was well and truly jacked.
Also, women totally jack my shit. But that’s a whole other post all by itself.
Why is it that electronic mail can turn a perfectly intelligent, normal person into a blathering idiot? And I’m so totally including myself there, even though I said normal which as I have already established I am so very not. But just roll with it, kay baby?
Let us consider for a moment the notion of e-mail letters. You write an e-mail, then you send it out, and the person you sent it to gets the e-mail. Tight. Only it doesn’t work like that. What really happens is that you write an e-mail that says exactly what's on your mind, and you know you don't really plan on sending the damn thing. You just write what you really want to say and then you go through it and cut out the parts that are too introspective. Well, what really happens is that you fucking click “send” before you fucking edit the document, and you can do nothing about it but sit back and hope that person realizes that you're not such a douche bag as the email they got reveals you to be.
And it never, ever happens when you don't care what the person thinks, oh no. ’Cause that would allow you to cordon off your humiliation in a nice, manageable chunk. No, instead it happens when you’re sending an e-mail to someone are somewhat interested in. And you type your message and you click “send” and it’s like everything goes into slow motion like in a really fucking bad Michael Bay picture but I repeat myself.
And for the rest of the week, you wonder if the people in the next table over at Sue's are cracking jokes about how you should have your mittens safety-pinned to your jacket, and God you just wanna kill everybody.
So the other week, somebody sent me a package. They UPS’d this thing, and they apparently checked the little box that says “Make this motherfucker as inconvenient for the recipient as possible” and then they checked the little box below it that says “No really, for serious, make ’em suffer.”
And the UPS guy comes to my house, only I wasn’t home because I was busy with Army stuff. And instead of leaving the package he puts one of those little stickers on the door, you know the ones, the ones with the totally false air of sincerity and cheerfulness. “Sorry we missed you!” And then there’s like a fucking 1040 form or DD form, and if you want the driver to come back during the next full moon and leave your package for you in your mailbox with two black truffles and a tin of Osestra caviar on top, you check this thing and then sign this thing and then initial here and then attach a copy of your credit report or some shit.
So I spent like an hour filling out this form and I slapped it back on my door and went inside to do three quick shots of tequila.
Next day I come home all looking forward to my package and shit, and what do I find but another fucking 1040 form stuck to my door. And the driver guy had taken his little ballpoint pen and circled, like ten times, the tiny little print at the bottom that says “IN PERSON SIGNATURE REQUIRED.” Which is bogus, because there’s not gonna be an in-person to give a signature, because I already told you I’m out. So I got me a good annoyed on.
So the next day, on the Dart train, I call the little 800 number on the UPS door form thing, only it wasn’t an 800 number but like an 877 number or some shit but I still call ’em 800 numbers so deal. And I relate to the tomato on the other end of the line my tale of woe, and she’s all, “We can deliver that package to another address for you.”
I tell her yeah, take it to so-n-so which is the address of the place where I’m at, and like three hours later there’s the package sitting in front of me. Happy ending, right? All’s well and all that? Maybe you need to read the headline again, man. This post isn’t about happy endings. It’s about things that totally jack my shit. And when I took that package home and unleashed some red hot Swiss Army action on it and opened it up to find enclosed one (1) book about bartending (1) bartender kit, and (1) form to fill out by [X] date that already past to take the certification exam, my shit was well and truly jacked.
Also, women totally jack my shit. But that’s a whole other post all by itself.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Another day, another dollar....
Well...another dollar SPENT! Hey, well, I hope I get that job at Washington Mutual. I turned down a job the other day for Marketing Coordinator at my friend's firm making $37K a year because I would have had to drop a class. I VOWED that I would never drop another class for a job again...so here I am sticking to my guns!
Which brings me to...
WHY the sudden urge to go back to work, to get a condo...etc.??? Well, for one thing...this has been the longest period of my life since I started working that I have NOT worked and that I have NOT lived on my own. I guess I haven't been feeling like my life is MY life! I'm thinking this makes PERFECT sense.
At the same time...I know what I want...and that is I want to be independent, and right now, although I'm not dependent financially on them, I AM living with my parents. This does NOT make me FEEL independent. Urrrk... I'm feeling unsettled! I also FEEL grown up...yep, I thought I would never feel this way, but I can tell that I do!
It's not that I'm snobby, or judgemental (*although I have caught myself being somewhat a little of both lately), but I just KNOW what I want. I KNOW where I want my life to go...but I'm not sitting here planning EVERY step out. I AM, however, making the necessary steps to get myself there...
And this brings me to why I am NOT connecting with so many new people I'm meeting...esp. other lesbians. It seems to me that the majority of lesbians seem to allow their girlfriends to drag them down...their lives become wrapped around each other and their goals go by the wayside...they literally do "move in" within the first few dates...NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR (*thus why I know for SURE that I am no longer interested in someone). I think you have to have some security and stability of your own.
Knowing that I expect that from my girlfriend, I am working on this within myself. I want to make sure I am independent and stable and secure. I don't FEEL like any of these because of my OUTSIDE environment (*ie. living at my parents crazy house of *drama*...with Stephanie saying every week that she's moving back and then she never does...my parents' stupid arguments which they always resolve, but someone I get caught in the middle of everytime... and somehow me having ONE couch in their house is causing all their problems????). Haha.
Then there's my incredible competitive drive. I don't have to feel like I am BETTER than anyone, but if I'm with someone, I at least like to feel like I'm not a leech or that I am contributing equally...which means I also don't like to be leeched on, though I like to make someone feel *special and I like it when they make me feel *special.
Okay...this all makes me sound like I'm focusing TOO much on the monetary aspects of life and relationships...
Not at all. I just think that I'm frustrated with it all because of someone's recent leeching and my recent aberation from my normal "level-minded", " cool and collected", "I'm not going to let myself get dragged down by anyone else" self. I'm angry that I let myself be such a *lesbian* (ie. let emotions get their way with my me).
Which brings me to...
WHY the sudden urge to go back to work, to get a condo...etc.??? Well, for one thing...this has been the longest period of my life since I started working that I have NOT worked and that I have NOT lived on my own. I guess I haven't been feeling like my life is MY life! I'm thinking this makes PERFECT sense.
At the same time...I know what I want...and that is I want to be independent, and right now, although I'm not dependent financially on them, I AM living with my parents. This does NOT make me FEEL independent. Urrrk... I'm feeling unsettled! I also FEEL grown up...yep, I thought I would never feel this way, but I can tell that I do!
It's not that I'm snobby, or judgemental (*although I have caught myself being somewhat a little of both lately), but I just KNOW what I want. I KNOW where I want my life to go...but I'm not sitting here planning EVERY step out. I AM, however, making the necessary steps to get myself there...
And this brings me to why I am NOT connecting with so many new people I'm meeting...esp. other lesbians. It seems to me that the majority of lesbians seem to allow their girlfriends to drag them down...their lives become wrapped around each other and their goals go by the wayside...they literally do "move in" within the first few dates...NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR (*thus why I know for SURE that I am no longer interested in someone). I think you have to have some security and stability of your own.
Knowing that I expect that from my girlfriend, I am working on this within myself. I want to make sure I am independent and stable and secure. I don't FEEL like any of these because of my OUTSIDE environment (*ie. living at my parents crazy house of *drama*...with Stephanie saying every week that she's moving back and then she never does...my parents' stupid arguments which they always resolve, but someone I get caught in the middle of everytime... and somehow me having ONE couch in their house is causing all their problems????). Haha.
Then there's my incredible competitive drive. I don't have to feel like I am BETTER than anyone, but if I'm with someone, I at least like to feel like I'm not a leech or that I am contributing equally...which means I also don't like to be leeched on, though I like to make someone feel *special and I like it when they make me feel *special.
Okay...this all makes me sound like I'm focusing TOO much on the monetary aspects of life and relationships...
Not at all. I just think that I'm frustrated with it all because of someone's recent leeching and my recent aberation from my normal "level-minded", " cool and collected", "I'm not going to let myself get dragged down by anyone else" self. I'm angry that I let myself be such a *lesbian* (ie. let emotions get their way with my me).
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Enough with Lesbian **Drama** Already!
I just had the most fun job interview I have ever had tonight! It was at Washington Mutual on Lovers and Inwood...funny because that's where I have been looking at getting a condo.
Anyway, after the interview, I was headed back home when a girl that I had met earlier this month called and asked if I wanted to meet up at Sue's. While still feeling so good about the interview, I agreed. I thought I could have a Pelligrino to celebrate (ha ha...I TRULY was a good girl tonight). Anywho...
I get there and it's obvious this girl has already thrown a few back (and I don't mean Pelligrino's...mind you)...let's back-track a little bit and let me explain who this girl is...
A girl I met about a month ago at Sue Ellen's...she's from Australia, is a really nice girl, but I had NO chemistry with or attraction to her. She asked me the night we met what I thought about her...I thought it was odd to have someone ask that...I pretty much rely on vibes and expressions to pick up if someone likes me or not...and if they do, they normally make it clearly known (she made it more than clearly known)...and I too make it clearly known by how flirty I am with them...and if I REALLY like them...I make it known by how *nervous* I act around them...*cough*cough*cough*.
However, I drew no line...I gave her no signal. I was never flirty with her, though I was polite. I was my normal self; and I didn't throw any mixed signals out there. I told her I thought she was nice and that maybe we could get to know one another as friends, but that I don't think we have a love connection, if that's what she meant by her question.---I know, it seems really harsh, but I like to take a more direct approach when it comes to these things...or at least, I've been trying to. I have learned a tough lesson (with still several obsessive women calling me insessantly) that unless you tell a lesbian you DO NOT like her, it seems to me that she will assume that you do; or that eventually you will; or that she stands some chance...someday!
So as I was ready to leave (mind you, I try to leave Sue's as early as I can usually). I prefer to go to S4 most of the time because I find myself feeling a lot more comfortable around the gay boys....This is probably due to the fact that everytime I waltz into Sue's, I have been hit on or touched in some compromising way by at least one woman that I have no connection with (or connection to).
I admitt, although I say I am not out at Sue's looking to meet SOMEONE, but rather, I am at Sue's looking to meet PEOPLE...I can think of no other place where if I meet someone I want to hook up with, I am 95% certain that they actually swing for my team. So, I am stuck in this paradoxical nightmare.
Anyway...Back to my night tonight...
So I told her after one Pelligrino at Sue's that I wanted to go over to RoundUp to sing...so we head over there. After I sing, she tells me that my song was "absolutely breathtakingly sexy"
ME: ..."WOOOOOHHHHH....HOLD UP!... [Urrrkkk!..Screech!...Music stops playing.......okay, well maybe it didn't stop, but it did in my head]
"I TOLD you that I'm not interested in you that way, right?"
Her: [trying to kiss me]
ME: [pulling way far back and falling off the stool]...(thank God they are tall and force me to be practically standing anyway)
Her: "What's wrong?"
ME: "You have had a few too many there...Let's go back to Sue's and I'm going to have another Pelligrino then call it a night."
Her: "Why?"
ME: [Walking away and out of RoundUp and forcing her to follow by me not responding or waiting around for her to ask anymore frustrating questions.]
My mood is killed at this point...I mean, I was in a REALLY great mood tonight. I felt like the floodgates had openned and this drab/cloud was lifted...then BAM!...She drops this BOMB on me! I go ahead and brush my shoulders off anyhow...
Now...Back to my good mood at Sue Ellen's...
Her: [having another rum&coke] "So you really just want to be friends? You don't want to get with me? What is it about me that turns you off?"
ME: [and my Pelligrino] "It's not really like that...It's more like I don't have a type...I have a list. And I'm not looking for someone to fit it perfectly, but I am really picky. It's nothing against you and who you are...you're nice. But I'm not looking for anything superficial and I find all these first meetings with people to be only about superficiality. You don't know me, and yet here you are practically throwing yourself onto me. Now, granted, it could be the alcohol giving you false signals or liquid courage that you would otherwise not have. But regardless, I did make it clear to you the first night we met that I was not interested in anymore than a friendship with you, did I not?"
Her: "Yeah, but I have always gotten that in the past and that was just cuz that person was shy. I have never had a girl I met not throwing herself at me."
ME: "I don't follow...So what you're trying to tell me is that women will say they just want to be friends when in fact that is just a ploy or tactic to get you more interested so that next time they can throw themselves on you and you can have sex?"
Her: "Well......" long pause "Yeah"
ME: [urk] [wtf!] [am I really a lesbian?] [why yes, yes I am...and NO, NO I still don't want to get with her] "Okay...ummm...that's messed up! Just take me at my word...If I say I want to be friends...I MEAN: I just want to be friends. TRUST ME, if I want to get with you, I would make it really known...I would probably say..."I am interested in you" or "I kinda like you" or hint at it in a more indirect way, but still quite obvious"
...like blog entries that explain where I'm comming from and ***hint hint***
http://autarchic.blogspot.com/2005/08/social-boundaries.html
*cough *cough
If anything, one thing I HAVE learned about myself is that...I AM a lesbian that CAN accept friendship. I have found that more valuable and rewarding than torturing myself over something that isn't meant to be.
Anyway, after the interview, I was headed back home when a girl that I had met earlier this month called and asked if I wanted to meet up at Sue's. While still feeling so good about the interview, I agreed. I thought I could have a Pelligrino to celebrate (ha ha...I TRULY was a good girl tonight). Anywho...
I get there and it's obvious this girl has already thrown a few back (and I don't mean Pelligrino's...mind you)...let's back-track a little bit and let me explain who this girl is...
A girl I met about a month ago at Sue Ellen's...she's from Australia, is a really nice girl, but I had NO chemistry with or attraction to her. She asked me the night we met what I thought about her...I thought it was odd to have someone ask that...I pretty much rely on vibes and expressions to pick up if someone likes me or not...and if they do, they normally make it clearly known (she made it more than clearly known)...and I too make it clearly known by how flirty I am with them...and if I REALLY like them...I make it known by how *nervous* I act around them...*cough*cough*cough*.
However, I drew no line...I gave her no signal. I was never flirty with her, though I was polite. I was my normal self; and I didn't throw any mixed signals out there. I told her I thought she was nice and that maybe we could get to know one another as friends, but that I don't think we have a love connection, if that's what she meant by her question.---I know, it seems really harsh, but I like to take a more direct approach when it comes to these things...or at least, I've been trying to. I have learned a tough lesson (with still several obsessive women calling me insessantly) that unless you tell a lesbian you DO NOT like her, it seems to me that she will assume that you do; or that eventually you will; or that she stands some chance...someday!
So as I was ready to leave (mind you, I try to leave Sue's as early as I can usually). I prefer to go to S4 most of the time because I find myself feeling a lot more comfortable around the gay boys....This is probably due to the fact that everytime I waltz into Sue's, I have been hit on or touched in some compromising way by at least one woman that I have no connection with (or connection to).
I admitt, although I say I am not out at Sue's looking to meet SOMEONE, but rather, I am at Sue's looking to meet PEOPLE...I can think of no other place where if I meet someone I want to hook up with, I am 95% certain that they actually swing for my team. So, I am stuck in this paradoxical nightmare.
Anyway...Back to my night tonight...
So I told her after one Pelligrino at Sue's that I wanted to go over to RoundUp to sing...so we head over there. After I sing, she tells me that my song was "absolutely breathtakingly sexy"
ME: ..."WOOOOOHHHHH....HOLD UP!... [Urrrkkk!..Screech!...Music stops playing.......okay, well maybe it didn't stop, but it did in my head]
"I TOLD you that I'm not interested in you that way, right?"
Her: [trying to kiss me]
ME: [pulling way far back and falling off the stool]...(thank God they are tall and force me to be practically standing anyway)
Her: "What's wrong?"
ME: "You have had a few too many there...Let's go back to Sue's and I'm going to have another Pelligrino then call it a night."
Her: "Why?"
ME: [Walking away and out of RoundUp and forcing her to follow by me not responding or waiting around for her to ask anymore frustrating questions.]
My mood is killed at this point...I mean, I was in a REALLY great mood tonight. I felt like the floodgates had openned and this drab/cloud was lifted...then BAM!...She drops this BOMB on me! I go ahead and brush my shoulders off anyhow...
Now...Back to my good mood at Sue Ellen's...
Her: [having another rum&coke] "So you really just want to be friends? You don't want to get with me? What is it about me that turns you off?"
ME: [and my Pelligrino] "It's not really like that...It's more like I don't have a type...I have a list. And I'm not looking for someone to fit it perfectly, but I am really picky. It's nothing against you and who you are...you're nice. But I'm not looking for anything superficial and I find all these first meetings with people to be only about superficiality. You don't know me, and yet here you are practically throwing yourself onto me. Now, granted, it could be the alcohol giving you false signals or liquid courage that you would otherwise not have. But regardless, I did make it clear to you the first night we met that I was not interested in anymore than a friendship with you, did I not?"
Her: "Yeah, but I have always gotten that in the past and that was just cuz that person was shy. I have never had a girl I met not throwing herself at me."
ME: "I don't follow...So what you're trying to tell me is that women will say they just want to be friends when in fact that is just a ploy or tactic to get you more interested so that next time they can throw themselves on you and you can have sex?"
Her: "Well......" long pause "Yeah"
ME: [urk] [wtf!] [am I really a lesbian?] [why yes, yes I am...and NO, NO I still don't want to get with her] "Okay...ummm...that's messed up! Just take me at my word...If I say I want to be friends...I MEAN: I just want to be friends. TRUST ME, if I want to get with you, I would make it really known...I would probably say..."I am interested in you" or "I kinda like you" or hint at it in a more indirect way, but still quite obvious"
...like blog entries that explain where I'm comming from and ***hint hint***
http://autarchic.blogspot.com/2005/08/social-boundaries.html
*cough *cough
If anything, one thing I HAVE learned about myself is that...I AM a lesbian that CAN accept friendship. I have found that more valuable and rewarding than torturing myself over something that isn't meant to be.
When i say i'm looking for friends, that's really what i'm looking for. seriously...it's not code for "one night stand," "special friend" or "friend with benefits."
I have had such a hard time lately just meeting people that are interested in getting to know me as just friends. I admit, I am also looking for that “special someone” but I don’t believe in making moves too soon. I want to get to know someone well, or at least enough to know I really have an interest in who they are, not just what they look like or the kind of “vibe” or “feeling” I get when I’m around them. I think this is an important thing to me that I’m going to have to stand by.
In conclusion...I left that girl at Sue's told her to call me tomorrow when she's sober...and tipped the bartender to watch her and call her a cab if she didn't sober up before she left. I have an early doctor's appointment to wake up for...I'm finally going to get explained all that good stuff about being a diabetic and how to control it and all...YAY! I don't have to be clueless anymore! Haha. Somehow I think I may need more than just a class on being diabetic...How about a class on being a lesbian and how to manage, minimize and deal with drama...??? =o)Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Houston
These are my most recent pictures. They are from a week ago when Joel and I went to visit Laura (my best friend) in Houston.
Nerves
Lately I've been nerve-wrecked for no apparent reason. It's all in my head.
A certain person comes to mind. Bad encounter after bad encounter after worse encounter after worst!
It's not a mystery to me why I feel uncomfortable...I guess I'm feeling like perhaps I was not as kind or as sensitive to her feelings and somehow I'm getting a little paranoid that this Karma is going to quickly find its way back to me...
What IS a mystery to me is howcome my normal, intellectual self doesn't over-ride it this non-sense. I am new to this paradox.
I don't know...this is all just random analyzing. I don't think I'm going anywhere with this entry other than to say that I think that I need to stop being so cynical and start being the kind and compassionate Nicole that I once knew myself to be. Fuck that I allowed myself one time to be a door-mat to someone...I can't just become this cold-hearted snake of a bitch to everyone because of ONE person!
A certain person comes to mind. Bad encounter after bad encounter after worse encounter after worst!
It's not a mystery to me why I feel uncomfortable...I guess I'm feeling like perhaps I was not as kind or as sensitive to her feelings and somehow I'm getting a little paranoid that this Karma is going to quickly find its way back to me...
What IS a mystery to me is howcome my normal, intellectual self doesn't over-ride it this non-sense. I am new to this paradox.
I don't know...this is all just random analyzing. I don't think I'm going anywhere with this entry other than to say that I think that I need to stop being so cynical and start being the kind and compassionate Nicole that I once knew myself to be. Fuck that I allowed myself one time to be a door-mat to someone...I can't just become this cold-hearted snake of a bitch to everyone because of ONE person!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Sue Ellen's
All the confidence that I DO possess, all the aspects of who I am that I have to offer, and all my ambitions for making something worthwhile of my life seem null there. Mindless chatter and talk about she said and she said seem to linger amid the crowd of many faces. And I'm TERRIBLE with names! Most talk I've sat in on involves names of people I haven't or just met.
Although Sue's isn't my favorite place in this town, I do find it to be the ONLY place to go that I am DEFINITE to meet other lesbians at. This is frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I think there are a LOT of nice people there, but I have a hard time following.
I am not looking to meet someone there, I'm looking to meet people. I want to make a couple of friends and acquaintances...people to call up on the weekends and meet up with when I want to be in the gayborhood.
Although Sue's isn't my favorite place in this town, I do find it to be the ONLY place to go that I am DEFINITE to meet other lesbians at. This is frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I think there are a LOT of nice people there, but I have a hard time following.
I am not looking to meet someone there, I'm looking to meet people. I want to make a couple of friends and acquaintances...people to call up on the weekends and meet up with when I want to be in the gayborhood.
Monday, September 26, 2005
The Twisted Life
Today's horoscope:
Joint finances and any money matter closely related to loved ones can be potentially touchy topics. This means you may need to take a firm stance toward anyone (especially family members or old friends who have a habit of hitting you up for loans) who hasn't proved to be financially responsible in the past. While you might feel momentarily guilty for not helping them out, the amount of trouble you've saved for everyone more than makes up for it.
I recently helped Jade (my special Army buddy) out financially. This was in many respects a HUGE mistake. At the same time...I'm glad I did! It has helped me see just how incredibly selfish she can be and how much I have been blind-sighted in our relations. First of all, she called me all of 3 times in the last 2 weeks. 2 of those times were to ask for my help financially (which I rendered imediately) and once to respond to my request for her help (ie. use of her truck) which she took her sweet-ass time rendering. Then when I ran into her the other night at Sue Ellen's and I said, "Hi!" to her, she responded with the universal sign for: "Talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening!" and told me she would, "Be with you in a minute!" Haha. She never said hello and never came around to talking to me at any point in the evenning. These things have been bugging me for these last couple of days.
Joint finances and any money matter closely related to loved ones can be potentially touchy topics. This means you may need to take a firm stance toward anyone (especially family members or old friends who have a habit of hitting you up for loans) who hasn't proved to be financially responsible in the past. While you might feel momentarily guilty for not helping them out, the amount of trouble you've saved for everyone more than makes up for it.
I recently helped Jade (my special Army buddy) out financially. This was in many respects a HUGE mistake. At the same time...I'm glad I did! It has helped me see just how incredibly selfish she can be and how much I have been blind-sighted in our relations. First of all, she called me all of 3 times in the last 2 weeks. 2 of those times were to ask for my help financially (which I rendered imediately) and once to respond to my request for her help (ie. use of her truck) which she took her sweet-ass time rendering. Then when I ran into her the other night at Sue Ellen's and I said, "Hi!" to her, she responded with the universal sign for: "Talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening!" and told me she would, "Be with you in a minute!" Haha. She never said hello and never came around to talking to me at any point in the evenning. These things have been bugging me for these last couple of days.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Pussy Finds Kitty
Writing this up on a Sunday morning, after yet another night at Sue Ellen's. I'm so pleased I could puke. I'm a little tired, but in a great mood. Not only did I meet some incredible, beautiful girls this weekend, but I also found a lost cat. So yeah, I told my friend that I found her and he retorted with the following quip:"Headline: Pussy Finds Kitty."
But yeah, one of the neighbors saw the posters I put up and gave me a call...which led to the reunion of owner and pet. The chick was pretty hot, too. It never stops with me. Sheesh.
Anyway, on that note, I'm poised to whip up a fresh topic:
I thought I knew a lot about communication skills. And, in most situations, I do. But, lately, I've been all thumbs.
I guess I'm interested in getting someone better, but I don't know anyone she knows well.
But yeah, one of the neighbors saw the posters I put up and gave me a call...which led to the reunion of owner and pet. The chick was pretty hot, too. It never stops with me. Sheesh.
Anyway, on that note, I'm poised to whip up a fresh topic:
I thought I knew a lot about communication skills. And, in most situations, I do. But, lately, I've been all thumbs.
I guess I'm interested in getting someone better, but I don't know anyone she knows well.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Mischaracterization
I was informed by a left-leaning acquaintance a little while ago that some woman someplace got arrested today for staging a protest without a permit. I opined that I could not care less. She excoriated me for my apathy, and bemoaned the apathy she sees everywhere she looks. “Sons and daughters are dying,” quoth she, “and nobody cares.”
She committed a common error in reasoning. She looked around, saw that nobody agreed with her, and declared that she was surrounded by apathy. She was wrong, of course. We care. We just don’t agree with her “stop the war, bring the troops home, surrender to al-Qaida” position.
Middle America is not apathetic, friends. We care very much. We just happen to support the war against Islamist terrorism. We happen to be in favor of it. And if the price of winning this war is that brave men and women have to give their lives that we may live free and unafraid, that’s a price we’re willing to pay.
I’ll say it again: Yes. I am willing to sit here and let others sacrifice themselves on the altar of freedom to secure the blessings of liberty for me and my posterity. I already sacrificed a year and a half of my life to defend the liberty and prosperity of others...Yes, I can live with myself. Yes, I have a clear conscience. I am not apathetic. I am enthusiastic. Yes, yes, yes.
I tried to explain this to her. I don’t think she got it. She just got angrier and angrier until she left.
Some people are like that, I guess.
Anybody who uses the phrase “useless” to describe the war on terror. Their nonsense. Sometimes people end up so far away from reality that they can’t even agree on the basic premises of life. Up is up, y’all. Down is down. Tyranny breeds extremism. Liberty creates prosperity, and prosperity leads to security. Laws of nature, you know? If you flat-earthers don’t like it, you guys can keep getting stoned and trying to relive the sixties. Just don’t act under the false impression that anybody, anywhere, is listening to a word you’re saying. Because seriously, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things.
She committed a common error in reasoning. She looked around, saw that nobody agreed with her, and declared that she was surrounded by apathy. She was wrong, of course. We care. We just don’t agree with her “stop the war, bring the troops home, surrender to al-Qaida” position.
Middle America is not apathetic, friends. We care very much. We just happen to support the war against Islamist terrorism. We happen to be in favor of it. And if the price of winning this war is that brave men and women have to give their lives that we may live free and unafraid, that’s a price we’re willing to pay.
I’ll say it again: Yes. I am willing to sit here and let others sacrifice themselves on the altar of freedom to secure the blessings of liberty for me and my posterity. I already sacrificed a year and a half of my life to defend the liberty and prosperity of others...Yes, I can live with myself. Yes, I have a clear conscience. I am not apathetic. I am enthusiastic. Yes, yes, yes.
I tried to explain this to her. I don’t think she got it. She just got angrier and angrier until she left.
Some people are like that, I guess.
Anybody who uses the phrase “useless” to describe the war on terror. Their nonsense. Sometimes people end up so far away from reality that they can’t even agree on the basic premises of life. Up is up, y’all. Down is down. Tyranny breeds extremism. Liberty creates prosperity, and prosperity leads to security. Laws of nature, you know? If you flat-earthers don’t like it, you guys can keep getting stoned and trying to relive the sixties. Just don’t act under the false impression that anybody, anywhere, is listening to a word you’re saying. Because seriously, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Untouchable
I haven't written in a while. I thought I'd catch up because tomorrow I will be doing a ton of homework and fixing my computer (and probably my car again...making it a car-fixing marathon). Ha ha.
Anyway...
Life has been hectic. Ever been in-love with the impossible? I mean...loved everything that is not possible for you or anyone else to obtain? I think that I need to stop being such an idealist and start being more of a realist.
Anyway...
Life has been hectic. Ever been in-love with the impossible? I mean...loved everything that is not possible for you or anyone else to obtain? I think that I need to stop being such an idealist and start being more of a realist.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
God of Youth
She experimented with society-life, the service, music, her faith—to which she intended to devote her life—and even with the love of men in which she did not believe. She meditated on the use to which she should devote that power of youth which is granted only once in a lifetime: that force which gives a woman the power of making herself, or even—as it seemed to her—of making the world, into anything she wishes: should it be to art, to science, to love of a woman, or to practical activities? It is true that some people are devoid of this impulse, and on entering life at once place their necks under the first yoke that offers itself and honestly labour under it for the rest of their lives???But she was too strongly conscious of the presence of that all-powerful God of Youth—of that capacity to be entirely transformed into an aspiration or idea—the capacity to wish and to do—to throw oneself headlong into a bottomless abyss without knowing why or wherefore.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Scary Facials
Okay, this is week 3 and my facial issues have been driving me crazy. I haven't been getting out much because of this horrible experience with a facial I had 3 weeks ago. My face broke out worst than it ever had before. I'm talking blisters, pimples, peeling...the whole nine-yards!
It's left me no choice but to be like a hermit for these last 3 weeks. Only a few choice friends have seen me like this...and a few complete strangers I have met from online or just at random.
This medicated cream stuff has my face looking like plastic at night. This is the strangest thing I've ever undergone for the sake of beauty. I'm thinking of getting waxed and pedicured next week. I've also been undergoing mouth reconstruction in order to take on caps to make my smile perfect. This is going to be a long, painful and drawn-out process that requires a lot of time and decation. I cannot turn back once I begin, and I've already begun.
Hmmm...I guess I've been really focusing on how I look a lot more this year. I have never looked bad. Never thought that I'm not attractive...don't have issues about how my body looks either. So why the sudden urge to look pristine? I guess it's because I'm working on everything else...things on the inside...why not also my appearance? I've been wanting to do these things for a while, but of course, I didn't have the money or the time before (for my appearance of course). The changes on the inside I've had the time, just not the patience or the desire to change until now. I know that no one is perfect or will ever be, but there's plenty that anyone person can find within themselves on any given day of their lives that they could and should change. Sadly, most people don't care and don't change. I don't think I'm any better for making this a focus of mine, but I do believe that it sets me apart. I don't know if this is why I've had a strange phenomenon going on where every lesbian I have met lately in attempt to make some lesbian friends has wanted to "get with" me, or what...I am having a hard time with this. Is it a full moon, perhaps??? Do I need to focus on how I'm coming off to people and maybe tone down my out-going personality? What's the deal???...I will have to work this one out.
Anyways, school started back up this week and it's obvious I'm not going to get out much during the weeks. Although, I do have more free time than I ever had before...since I don't have a job for the first time since I was 14. I'm really tempted to go back to work. I miss it. I can't stand not having a job. The only complication with that is how I'm still undergoing the mouth reconstruction and it's going to take about 10 more months to complete it all. I don't want to have explain what's going on in my mouth to employers as I'm undergoing these changes.
I'll have to give it some more thought and then decide on this job thing.
I'm sure I can find an employer that's not going to mind, though. I think that perhaps my fear is that I need to start looking for a job that is going to set me up in the future, rather than just meet my current needs. I need something that's going to be challenging, professional, and worth my time.
It's left me no choice but to be like a hermit for these last 3 weeks. Only a few choice friends have seen me like this...and a few complete strangers I have met from online or just at random.
This medicated cream stuff has my face looking like plastic at night. This is the strangest thing I've ever undergone for the sake of beauty. I'm thinking of getting waxed and pedicured next week. I've also been undergoing mouth reconstruction in order to take on caps to make my smile perfect. This is going to be a long, painful and drawn-out process that requires a lot of time and decation. I cannot turn back once I begin, and I've already begun.
Hmmm...I guess I've been really focusing on how I look a lot more this year. I have never looked bad. Never thought that I'm not attractive...don't have issues about how my body looks either. So why the sudden urge to look pristine? I guess it's because I'm working on everything else...things on the inside...why not also my appearance? I've been wanting to do these things for a while, but of course, I didn't have the money or the time before (for my appearance of course). The changes on the inside I've had the time, just not the patience or the desire to change until now. I know that no one is perfect or will ever be, but there's plenty that anyone person can find within themselves on any given day of their lives that they could and should change. Sadly, most people don't care and don't change. I don't think I'm any better for making this a focus of mine, but I do believe that it sets me apart. I don't know if this is why I've had a strange phenomenon going on where every lesbian I have met lately in attempt to make some lesbian friends has wanted to "get with" me, or what...I am having a hard time with this. Is it a full moon, perhaps??? Do I need to focus on how I'm coming off to people and maybe tone down my out-going personality? What's the deal???...I will have to work this one out.
Anyways, school started back up this week and it's obvious I'm not going to get out much during the weeks. Although, I do have more free time than I ever had before...since I don't have a job for the first time since I was 14. I'm really tempted to go back to work. I miss it. I can't stand not having a job. The only complication with that is how I'm still undergoing the mouth reconstruction and it's going to take about 10 more months to complete it all. I don't want to have explain what's going on in my mouth to employers as I'm undergoing these changes.
I'll have to give it some more thought and then decide on this job thing.
I'm sure I can find an employer that's not going to mind, though. I think that perhaps my fear is that I need to start looking for a job that is going to set me up in the future, rather than just meet my current needs. I need something that's going to be challenging, professional, and worth my time.
The most politically incorrect blog post ever
Lost in the undertow of the tidal wave of news coming out of the inland sea that used to be New Orleans is the story of the 800 Iraqi Shiites who died today in a stampede — that’s the word they’re using; stampede, as in livestock — on a bridge over the Tigris.
Look, I’ve got as much sympathy for those Iraqis as anybody else. I really do. To lose a loved one or friend in such a senseless way is horrible.
But seriously … what does it say about a group of people that they would literally trample each other to death and push each other off of a bridge?
There are plenty of incidents in the historical record of crowds panicking and trampling people to death. It happened in a Chicago nightclub in February 2003, and 21 people died. So this is definitely not something that’s related to race or ethnicity or religion. But it happens sufficiently rarely that it’s clearly not a normal part of the human condition. It’s not true that any time you get a hundred people in the same place and somebody farts, there’s gonna be a death toll.
So what the hell? What conditions are necessary to create an event like this? Clearly not just any randomly selected crowd is going to be susceptible to the phenomenon. It takes the right combination of factors. But what are those factors? Does the make-up of the crowd have anything to do with it? Is this something that’s far more likely to happen when the crowd is composed of poorly educated people, or does the education of the participants have no bearing on the likelihood of an event like the one we saw today?
I think these are questions that are worth asking. Worth throwing time and effort at to try to solve? No, probably not; we need a cure for diabetes first, among about a thousand other things. But I think failing to acknowledge that these are valid questions is kind of dishonest.
And by the way, to all you idiots out there who are blaming this on George W. Bush: Cut it out. Your ideological brothers in arms are doing a much better job of blaming Bush for the hurricane. Next to them, you people look like rank amateurs.
Look, I’ve got as much sympathy for those Iraqis as anybody else. I really do. To lose a loved one or friend in such a senseless way is horrible.
But seriously … what does it say about a group of people that they would literally trample each other to death and push each other off of a bridge?
There are plenty of incidents in the historical record of crowds panicking and trampling people to death. It happened in a Chicago nightclub in February 2003, and 21 people died. So this is definitely not something that’s related to race or ethnicity or religion. But it happens sufficiently rarely that it’s clearly not a normal part of the human condition. It’s not true that any time you get a hundred people in the same place and somebody farts, there’s gonna be a death toll.
So what the hell? What conditions are necessary to create an event like this? Clearly not just any randomly selected crowd is going to be susceptible to the phenomenon. It takes the right combination of factors. But what are those factors? Does the make-up of the crowd have anything to do with it? Is this something that’s far more likely to happen when the crowd is composed of poorly educated people, or does the education of the participants have no bearing on the likelihood of an event like the one we saw today?
I think these are questions that are worth asking. Worth throwing time and effort at to try to solve? No, probably not; we need a cure for diabetes first, among about a thousand other things. But I think failing to acknowledge that these are valid questions is kind of dishonest.
And by the way, to all you idiots out there who are blaming this on George W. Bush: Cut it out. Your ideological brothers in arms are doing a much better job of blaming Bush for the hurricane. Next to them, you people look like rank amateurs.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Politically Incorrect
Today I am being quite ornery. This would probably be because I’m on the rag. Yes, I don’t care who I offend today, I feel like talking about this thing that makes me a grown-ass woman.
Imagine if men had periods. First of all, that would be pretty fucking gross. The two things that discust me the most are penises and periods…To put the two together would make men the epitamy of gross.
I remember some pretty insane conversations that my best friend and I have shared over the years. We discuss our dreams with one another quite often. Well, one night, Laura had an exceptionally strange dream. She drempt she had a penis and that she had to pee but had an erection that wouldn’t go down, so she couldn’t.
I asked her if she woke up feeling gross. (This back then was a very strange question for me to ask…given that I wasn’t out yet.) She answered that it did. She was glad to high heaven that she doesn’t have an extremity with a mind of its own. So am I…glad she doesn’t have one and glad that I don’t have one.
I guess that means that I’m satisfied having to have a period every month, then too. At least I don’t have to wake up with a five o’clock shadow and a one-eyed monster staring at me every morning!
In exchange for a monthly drag…I have a beautiful set of tits that I can play with and a clit. Not to mention a killer ass and awesome abs. Damn, I love the woman figure and I love being a woman.
Rags up!
Imagine if men had periods. First of all, that would be pretty fucking gross. The two things that discust me the most are penises and periods…To put the two together would make men the epitamy of gross.
I remember some pretty insane conversations that my best friend and I have shared over the years. We discuss our dreams with one another quite often. Well, one night, Laura had an exceptionally strange dream. She drempt she had a penis and that she had to pee but had an erection that wouldn’t go down, so she couldn’t.
I asked her if she woke up feeling gross. (This back then was a very strange question for me to ask…given that I wasn’t out yet.) She answered that it did. She was glad to high heaven that she doesn’t have an extremity with a mind of its own. So am I…glad she doesn’t have one and glad that I don’t have one.
I guess that means that I’m satisfied having to have a period every month, then too. At least I don’t have to wake up with a five o’clock shadow and a one-eyed monster staring at me every morning!
In exchange for a monthly drag…I have a beautiful set of tits that I can play with and a clit. Not to mention a killer ass and awesome abs. Damn, I love the woman figure and I love being a woman.
Rags up!
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Atomic Blast
I learned SO many things during my time in Iraq. Still, more correlations between what I learned there and how it applies to my life now keep coming to me.
The move(s) today were long and draining. I was playing phone tag most of the day with my best friend Laura, her mom in Tennessee, my ex Matt, my friend Joel down the street, and my friend Jamie in College Station. Joel volunteered to help me all day, but the initial plan and strategically timed agenda got thrown off by a simple mistake made on my part...I packed up my paper with all the information I had written on it about the storage facility, Laura's parents' code to get into it, and all that good jazz...oh, and my phone was chewed up by my dog...to add to the issue.
One SIMPLE mistake...MANY complications that followed.
Complication
#1 Can't get ahold of Laura because she's out in the wilderness on a camping trip
#2 Can't get ahold of her mom because they are at church
#3 Joel is ready to go, and sits out waiting for me because I'm rummaging through my garbage searching for that rolodex I had just thrown out yesterday (before my dog chewed my phone)
#4 Can't get ahold of her boyfriend because I don't have his number
#5 Keep getting calls from unknown numbers (all numbers are unknown to me at this point because phone has nothing stored in it)
#6 Find old SIM card and put it in another phone to get the stored old numbers (yes...Complication because old numbers are...well...OLD)
#7 Get ahold of Laura's boyfriend, get ahold of Laura (who's with her boyfriend)...Complication because I must now start more phone tag before getting the information I needed
#8 Get call from Laura's mom, get information...Need to get van at Enterprise
#9 Enterprise doesn't recognize me as 25...that would be because I'm 24. Yes, pay larger fee to be young.
#10 Get van, get crap out of storage place, head out to College Station...already cost me 2 meals at this point (deal was to feed Joel for his help all day)
#11 Dude...how much does a man eat!?
#12 Gas prices on the rise and I'm driving a tank
#13 "Man and remote control" syndrome...I have me a "radio nazi" for the ride...YAY!
#14 The wheels on the van go round and round...
#15 Who in the hell brainstormed the brilliant idea to BOX UP a mattress and box-spring set??
#16 Arrive and get a 3rd meal for Joel
#17 Make the exchange of goods (sexy hair-do gone with the first bead of sweat that falls down my head...also gone...my wonderful fruity fragrance)
#18 Head out...finally Jamie calls and we catch one another on my way out of Bryan, TX
#19 Joel farted around with my ipod and now it's stuck on Dave Matthews...not a bad thing to get stuck on, by the way...Nonetheless...Still a problem
#20 feed Joel again
#21 begin returning all missed calls from the time we arrived til time we left (totally 12 calls) meanwhile...more sweat beads rolling down forehead as I was hoping not to be calling back obsessive, clingy dates from last week's cyber escapades
which leads me to
#22...
Ever been ambushed? I'm talking attack out of NOWHERE! While returning all my missed calls...they began...one after another...
I think I fed him too much.
The smells were mortifying!!!
Oh my dear Lord, what in your planet died and crawled up his rear end??
I rolled the windows down and there's nothing like enjoying a big woof of skunk versus the smell of smashed ass...
One after another, they still came. Window roll-down number 3 and I was ready to hurl, but no mercy was spared upon me.
Finally, after window roll-down number 17, we rolled into Dallas City Limits. Oh...the moment I rolled past that line right after returning from Iraq was nothing compared to this time! Knowing that I was only 20 minutes from my destination, versus 3 1/2 hours exhilerated me.
This all, somehow seemed to make sense to me in some weird political way...
Essentially, I wanted something from Joel...so I fed him all day expecting to collect on it at the end. Meanwhile, Joel wasn't too pleased with all my timing of everything and how I took control of the remote and was the driving force of the vehicle. So he began to try to give me shit...literally and figuratively. And so his attacks on me began...Mercilessly. Though all my smell sensors had been killed from the atomic blasts, I ultimately won the battle...I got what I wanted out of the deal with Joel...he loaded and unloaded my van and provided me with company for the day through all my endevours. I had fulfilled my end of the bargain and so had he.
Yet at the end of the day...Joel got gas. And so did I...at 2 cents cheaper per gallon than I had gotten in the morning.
How does this all tie back to my experience in Iraq?
You do the math.
The move(s) today were long and draining. I was playing phone tag most of the day with my best friend Laura, her mom in Tennessee, my ex Matt, my friend Joel down the street, and my friend Jamie in College Station. Joel volunteered to help me all day, but the initial plan and strategically timed agenda got thrown off by a simple mistake made on my part...I packed up my paper with all the information I had written on it about the storage facility, Laura's parents' code to get into it, and all that good jazz...oh, and my phone was chewed up by my dog...to add to the issue.
One SIMPLE mistake...MANY complications that followed.
Complication
#1 Can't get ahold of Laura because she's out in the wilderness on a camping trip
#2 Can't get ahold of her mom because they are at church
#3 Joel is ready to go, and sits out waiting for me because I'm rummaging through my garbage searching for that rolodex I had just thrown out yesterday (before my dog chewed my phone)
#4 Can't get ahold of her boyfriend because I don't have his number
#5 Keep getting calls from unknown numbers (all numbers are unknown to me at this point because phone has nothing stored in it)
#6 Find old SIM card and put it in another phone to get the stored old numbers (yes...Complication because old numbers are...well...OLD)
#7 Get ahold of Laura's boyfriend, get ahold of Laura (who's with her boyfriend)...Complication because I must now start more phone tag before getting the information I needed
#8 Get call from Laura's mom, get information...Need to get van at Enterprise
#9 Enterprise doesn't recognize me as 25...that would be because I'm 24. Yes, pay larger fee to be young.
#10 Get van, get crap out of storage place, head out to College Station...already cost me 2 meals at this point (deal was to feed Joel for his help all day)
#11 Dude...how much does a man eat!?
#12 Gas prices on the rise and I'm driving a tank
#13 "Man and remote control" syndrome...I have me a "radio nazi" for the ride...YAY!
#14 The wheels on the van go round and round...
#15 Who in the hell brainstormed the brilliant idea to BOX UP a mattress and box-spring set??
#16 Arrive and get a 3rd meal for Joel
#17 Make the exchange of goods (sexy hair-do gone with the first bead of sweat that falls down my head...also gone...my wonderful fruity fragrance)
#18 Head out...finally Jamie calls and we catch one another on my way out of Bryan, TX
#19 Joel farted around with my ipod and now it's stuck on Dave Matthews...not a bad thing to get stuck on, by the way...Nonetheless...Still a problem
#20 feed Joel again
#21 begin returning all missed calls from the time we arrived til time we left (totally 12 calls) meanwhile...more sweat beads rolling down forehead as I was hoping not to be calling back obsessive, clingy dates from last week's cyber escapades
which leads me to
#22...
Ever been ambushed? I'm talking attack out of NOWHERE! While returning all my missed calls...they began...one after another...
I think I fed him too much.
The smells were mortifying!!!
Oh my dear Lord, what in your planet died and crawled up his rear end??
I rolled the windows down and there's nothing like enjoying a big woof of skunk versus the smell of smashed ass...
One after another, they still came. Window roll-down number 3 and I was ready to hurl, but no mercy was spared upon me.
Finally, after window roll-down number 17, we rolled into Dallas City Limits. Oh...the moment I rolled past that line right after returning from Iraq was nothing compared to this time! Knowing that I was only 20 minutes from my destination, versus 3 1/2 hours exhilerated me.
This all, somehow seemed to make sense to me in some weird political way...
Essentially, I wanted something from Joel...so I fed him all day expecting to collect on it at the end. Meanwhile, Joel wasn't too pleased with all my timing of everything and how I took control of the remote and was the driving force of the vehicle. So he began to try to give me shit...literally and figuratively. And so his attacks on me began...Mercilessly. Though all my smell sensors had been killed from the atomic blasts, I ultimately won the battle...I got what I wanted out of the deal with Joel...he loaded and unloaded my van and provided me with company for the day through all my endevours. I had fulfilled my end of the bargain and so had he.
Yet at the end of the day...Joel got gas. And so did I...at 2 cents cheaper per gallon than I had gotten in the morning.
How does this all tie back to my experience in Iraq?
You do the math.
What Can You Do?
What do you do when you lend out your most sentimental belonging to someone you trust, believing all the while that they are going to take care of it....and you get it back torn to pieces, and it smells like cat urine and B.O.?
My plans for this couch were to keep it forever. This couch meant a lot to me, not because of it's monetary value; although it was worth more than I would ever spend on a single piece of furniture. Rather, it meant a lot to me because my last memory of my grandmother was us sitting on that couch on Thanksgiving (a week before she died). I didn't get to say good-bye to her. In a sense, this was a piece of my history that I wanted to keep with me, to keep her close to me always.
I'm not as sentimental about the rest of my furniture...I could do without furniture, actually. The couch isn't even my style, but I love it dearly for the prize memory it holds within its putrid, mangled frame.
Here I am, though...just arrived at home to finally take a look at it. It's completely unsalvageable. I could change the upholstery, but it wouldn't get rid of the cat urine smell. I could treat it for the smell, but then it would loose it's sterdiness and be unstable for seating. My father commanded me to get rid of it tomorrow.
I'll have to take it apart because I will have no one to help me carry it down a flight of stairs. I have no other choice. I'll have to take a crow-bar to it and get it into 3 or 4 pieces in order to fit it into my car and take it to a dumpster.
This is deeply saddening me.
My plans for this couch were to keep it forever. This couch meant a lot to me, not because of it's monetary value; although it was worth more than I would ever spend on a single piece of furniture. Rather, it meant a lot to me because my last memory of my grandmother was us sitting on that couch on Thanksgiving (a week before she died). I didn't get to say good-bye to her. In a sense, this was a piece of my history that I wanted to keep with me, to keep her close to me always.
I'm not as sentimental about the rest of my furniture...I could do without furniture, actually. The couch isn't even my style, but I love it dearly for the prize memory it holds within its putrid, mangled frame.
Here I am, though...just arrived at home to finally take a look at it. It's completely unsalvageable. I could change the upholstery, but it wouldn't get rid of the cat urine smell. I could treat it for the smell, but then it would loose it's sterdiness and be unstable for seating. My father commanded me to get rid of it tomorrow.
I'll have to take it apart because I will have no one to help me carry it down a flight of stairs. I have no other choice. I'll have to take a crow-bar to it and get it into 3 or 4 pieces in order to fit it into my car and take it to a dumpster.
This is deeply saddening me.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Texas Constitution campaign for November's Amendment Proposal
"When we lose the right to be different, we lose the right to be free." Charles Evans Hughes
Texans United is part of the statewide No Nonsense in November campaign that has mobilized in Collin County and surounding counties to educate the public about proposed Constitutional Amendment No. 2. The amendment will seek to write discrimination into the Texas Constituion by definining marriage between a man and woman, as well as prohibiting the recognition of civil unions, domestic partnerships, etc.It will be the first time that the Texas Constitution (Texas Bill of Rights) would be amended to remove rights from individuals in Texas.You can find out more information by visiting the Texans United website at http://www.texansunited.com/. Please think about getting involved, and lending your support to our efforts.
All members and supporters of the GLBT communities need to mobilize to vote against this amendment.
If you are interested in pledging against this amendment, please visit: http://www.ccgla.org/ as well. There will be a pride parade also on September 18th.
Texans United is part of the statewide No Nonsense in November campaign that has mobilized in Collin County and surounding counties to educate the public about proposed Constitutional Amendment No. 2. The amendment will seek to write discrimination into the Texas Constituion by definining marriage between a man and woman, as well as prohibiting the recognition of civil unions, domestic partnerships, etc.It will be the first time that the Texas Constitution (Texas Bill of Rights) would be amended to remove rights from individuals in Texas.You can find out more information by visiting the Texans United website at http://www.texansunited.com/. Please think about getting involved, and lending your support to our efforts.
All members and supporters of the GLBT communities need to mobilize to vote against this amendment.
If you are interested in pledging against this amendment, please visit: http://www.ccgla.org/ as well. There will be a pride parade also on September 18th.
True Confessions
Most people have dirty little secrets that they have never shared and plan on never sharing with anyone else. I'm not talking about secrets that your friends have that you guys keep on each other, but your own secrets...the deep and dark kind.
Well, I'm going to expose mine tonight.For starters, I've been keeping a hit-list since I was in the sixth grade. This isn't a list of people I have any intention of actually "hitting" or killing, for that matter. But this is a list of people some day, if I go to my high school reunion and they aren't present, I will look up and see where life has really taken them. This is a list of people I thought were either seriously nasty and mean, or I thought would end up having a REAL hit-list of their own. On this list, I also seperately kept names of people I thought were really nice, but weren't ever given a chance socially.
Today, I spent my morning going through old paintings I created, old photographs and old journals I kept. That's when I came across the list.
The list begins with my first serious crush...Jeff. I was obsessed. He sat by me because our last names were so close in the alphabet. He played soccer and was "popular" with the "cool" kids...the group I never got into because all the kids thought I was hispanic...which is about the equivalence of being black here in Plano. Of course, I'm NOT hispanic, or black...but what does that matter anyway.
Junior high was a challenging time for me. This was a time, I'd say I truly learned what I'm made of and yet denied all that I came to know as true. I was a straight-A student, honor society, athletic and good at all the sports I was involved in. I was a team-player, a nice girl, a fun, yet deep, and a friend to all, though not popular.
Oh well. I think that the fact I wasn't popular growing up always bugged me. I kept so many aspects of who I truly am hidden and locked up inside because I worried too much about what others thought. It took me going to war and being the only woman in my platoon to overcome that mentality.
Next on my list was in junior high, this girl Lauren. We were friends, but it wasn't widely known. She was popular, a cheerleader; everyone liked her. She was the only popular kid that didn't care about what the other popular kids thought about the other kids. She's the one that back then asked me if I was a lesbian, and told me that it didn't matter either way to her, I would still be her friend. I told her I wasn't. I was still young and clueless. She helped me realize that some people in this world are real followers of Christ.
Then there's Natalie. I actually ran into her a year ago at the gym when I was home for 2 weeks from Iraq. I got to find out that she's in law school down at UT. She was another nice girl. Actually, she was the only popular girl that was in the gifted program (which I was also in). She took me seriously. She was about the only person that took me seriously; largely my fault because I denied being "gifted" and acted like a moron to cover it up. And when my parents beat the living crap out of me when I was in 2nd grade and I had to lie to the school so I wouldn't go into foster care...she stood by me...realized I wasn't a liar and knew why I had to lie while no one else did. I hope she goes into pro bono work.
Then there's Connie. She was "the fat girl". That's what everyone called her. She was a kid that lived in my neighborhood and rode my bus. She had no friends...none until me. Connie hated me at first. I didn't like her either, but I mean...she HATED me. She used to poke fun at me everyday on the bus. I was always nice and all the kids always liked me, thought I was nice. But Connie hated me for some reason. Looking back, I think it was because it was easy for her to take anger out on me that she did. I was always such a push-over...until one day. Connie was making fun of me insessently this one day for no apparent reason. I couldn't take it anymore and when she turned around to poke fun at me again, I punched her in the nose. It imediately started gushing blood...I mean REALLY gushing blood. The whole bus began applauding me and making fun of her for having picked on me so much. I felt really bad and gave her napkins and ice from my lunch box. And then I did something I would have never expected...I got off the bus at her stop with her, and walked her home. Then I spent that afternoon getting to know her and her family. I apologized profusely and left that night having a new friend.
She moved in high school and we didn't keep in touch. I wonder what became of her.
to be continued...
Well, I'm going to expose mine tonight.
Today, I spent my morning going through old paintings I created, old photographs and old journals I kept. That's when I came across the list.
The list begins with my first serious crush...Jeff. I was obsessed. He sat by me because our last names were so close in the alphabet. He played soccer and was "popular" with the "cool" kids...the group I never got into because all the kids thought I was hispanic...which is about the equivalence of being black here in Plano. Of course, I'm NOT hispanic, or black...but what does that matter anyway.
Junior high was a challenging time for me. This was a time, I'd say I truly learned what I'm made of and yet denied all that I came to know as true. I was a straight-A student, honor society, athletic and good at all the sports I was involved in. I was a team-player, a nice girl, a fun, yet deep, and a friend to all, though not popular.
Oh well. I think that the fact I wasn't popular growing up always bugged me. I kept so many aspects of who I truly am hidden and locked up inside because I worried too much about what others thought. It took me going to war and being the only woman in my platoon to overcome that mentality.
Next on my list was in junior high, this girl Lauren. We were friends, but it wasn't widely known. She was popular, a cheerleader; everyone liked her. She was the only popular kid that didn't care about what the other popular kids thought about the other kids. She's the one that back then asked me if I was a lesbian, and told me that it didn't matter either way to her, I would still be her friend. I told her I wasn't. I was still young and clueless. She helped me realize that some people in this world are real followers of Christ.
Then there's Natalie. I actually ran into her a year ago at the gym when I was home for 2 weeks from Iraq. I got to find out that she's in law school down at UT. She was another nice girl. Actually, she was the only popular girl that was in the gifted program (which I was also in). She took me seriously. She was about the only person that took me seriously; largely my fault because I denied being "gifted" and acted like a moron to cover it up. And when my parents beat the living crap out of me when I was in 2nd grade and I had to lie to the school so I wouldn't go into foster care...she stood by me...realized I wasn't a liar and knew why I had to lie while no one else did. I hope she goes into pro bono work.
Then there's Connie. She was "the fat girl". That's what everyone called her. She was a kid that lived in my neighborhood and rode my bus. She had no friends...none until me. Connie hated me at first. I didn't like her either, but I mean...she HATED me. She used to poke fun at me everyday on the bus. I was always nice and all the kids always liked me, thought I was nice. But Connie hated me for some reason. Looking back, I think it was because it was easy for her to take anger out on me that she did. I was always such a push-over...until one day. Connie was making fun of me insessently this one day for no apparent reason. I couldn't take it anymore and when she turned around to poke fun at me again, I punched her in the nose. It imediately started gushing blood...I mean REALLY gushing blood. The whole bus began applauding me and making fun of her for having picked on me so much. I felt really bad and gave her napkins and ice from my lunch box. And then I did something I would have never expected...I got off the bus at her stop with her, and walked her home. Then I spent that afternoon getting to know her and her family. I apologized profusely and left that night having a new friend.
She moved in high school and we didn't keep in touch. I wonder what became of her.
to be continued...
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The S.H.A.P.E. of My Life
Service to humanity:
Although most people would expect me to write down that my biggest service to humanity was my time spent in Iraq for the Army, I believe that my biggest service has always been to my community, my family, and friends. Too many people loose out on making lasting impacts on the people in their daily lives while they go chasing after bigger windmills.
Hopes for the future:
My big hope for the future is that I find a lasting love. I have been so cautious in the past in my relationships that I have truly missed out on love. I believe now that I realized this, I have climbed mountains and just need to find someone I want to share life with. Another hope for the future I have is to be content with where I am and what I have, always have a goal I'm striving to reach, and to make lasting impacts on people that cross my path...you know...the kind of impacts that change attitudes, outlooks, and therefore lives.
Abilities for contribution:
In this area I am truly blessed. I have so many abilities...academic, literary, social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and creative. And if I haven't yet...I learn how.
Among my most "needed" or "desired" abilities are my carpentry, masonry, and creative skills. Also, my mechanical inclination, my artistic talent, and my power of written word.
Passions in life:
Relationships, faith, education, fitness and health, and management of my monetary goods.
Experiences that were shaping:
Moving from Brazil to the US. Visiting my father in the Middle East when he worked there. Joining the Army and its training. Going to Iraq with the Army. Making friends with troubled or difficult to relate with people. Being the only woman amongst 36 men for a year and a half.
Making mistakes in my high school days. Moving out on my own. Going back to school after having gone to Iraq.
Although most people would expect me to write down that my biggest service to humanity was my time spent in Iraq for the Army, I believe that my biggest service has always been to my community, my family, and friends. Too many people loose out on making lasting impacts on the people in their daily lives while they go chasing after bigger windmills.
Hopes for the future:
My big hope for the future is that I find a lasting love. I have been so cautious in the past in my relationships that I have truly missed out on love. I believe now that I realized this, I have climbed mountains and just need to find someone I want to share life with. Another hope for the future I have is to be content with where I am and what I have, always have a goal I'm striving to reach, and to make lasting impacts on people that cross my path...you know...the kind of impacts that change attitudes, outlooks, and therefore lives.
Abilities for contribution:
In this area I am truly blessed. I have so many abilities...academic, literary, social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and creative. And if I haven't yet...I learn how.
Among my most "needed" or "desired" abilities are my carpentry, masonry, and creative skills. Also, my mechanical inclination, my artistic talent, and my power of written word.
Passions in life:
Relationships, faith, education, fitness and health, and management of my monetary goods.
Experiences that were shaping:
Moving from Brazil to the US. Visiting my father in the Middle East when he worked there. Joining the Army and its training. Going to Iraq with the Army. Making friends with troubled or difficult to relate with people. Being the only woman amongst 36 men for a year and a half.
Making mistakes in my high school days. Moving out on my own. Going back to school after having gone to Iraq.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
The Battle of The Teams
A friend of mine and I were recently discussing the girls we've dated. She and I both are lesbians. I, however, am newly out and she is an old veteran by comparison.
My comming out was long over-due when it finally came...and apart from the disappointment, most of my family already had suspected or pin-pointed me as being a lesbian already anyway. Their reasoning was that I was never a "very girlie girl". But what kept them seemingly in the dark about it all was that I wasn't butch either.
My friend said that I must just be "a player for The Lavendar Team". You see, in the "Lesbian World", there are two main teams...The Pink Team and The Blue Team. Do I really need to explain the differences??? Okay, very well...
Members of The Pink Team are what people would refer to as being "lipstick lesbians". They are the girls you would never in your wildest (well, maybe your wildest) fantasy imagine as being gay. They wear lipstick (thus, the title), carry purses, march around in Monolo's, wear fancy designer clothing from big department stores like Saks and Nordstroms...and get lots of attention from the male population, but come to bare the label of "bitches". There are a couple of reasons for this, but mainly: They don't put out. They are the beautiful, seductive and more feminine type (which means they are complicated and emotional).
Then there are the members of The Blue Team. These are your neighborhood manly women...You know them as "Dykes"...The kind that wear the pants (literally because they wouldn't be caught dead in a skirt or a dress), the baseball cap crew, the polo shirt crowd, the big ole t-shirt wearing, honky-tonk (or more classy tie and suit) mob. They usually sport short boyish hair-dos. They carry themselves in wider stances, broader steps and sit in unlady-like manners. They only drink long-neck bottle beers directly from the bottle, order their whiskey straight or on-the-rocks, and never ever wear their hair down long unless it's underneath a cap or hat. They are into sports, cars, and exploit women they find attractive. They either workout insessently and have manly muscles, or don't work out at all and load on the weight in their wastes to cover having big jugs...obviously this doesn't cover all their aspects, but works out steriotypically.
But as for me, my friends, I am neither a member of The Pink Team nor of The Blue Team. I like to think that I lean more towards The Pink Team, but the reality is that I have never quite fit in on either team. I love fashion, I love makeup, I am complicated, emotional, (been told I am) beautiful, get lots of attention from males (have the label of bitch), and sport a nice dress or skirt often enough that I don't feel nor look awkward in them. HOWEVER...I drink my beers from long-neck bottles, order hard shots from time to time, wear baseball caps and polo shirts, cut my hair short (but not boyish) in the summer time, wear pants, wear big unfashionable t-shirts, go without makeup to school often, sit unlady-like at times (only when I'm not wearing skirts or dresses, though), I am sporty, love cars, workout often (or did and started doing so again recently), have had biceps at some points in time that shamed some men, and I have been known to exploit women that I find attractive every now and then.
Some people would say that I am "confussed" about my "orientation" and this is why I don't fit into any particular team...if you don't fit into a team, you are "undecided" and obviously confussed.--Let me get this straight (I used the word "straight" here so I am obviously "confussed" again)...according to the straight people's bible of gayness, I am "confussed" because I haven't picked a team to play for? I didn't realize I MUST pick one, or I would have chosen one.--As if I have been ever so disorriented and unsure about what and who I am.
That, dear people, has not been the case. I did think for quite some time that I acted in ways I wasn't, and did things I didn't like; and a large part of that was that I buckled to peer pressures. I believe this is just a natural part of growing up and maturing. However, I was always independent and chose to act the ways I did...whether influenced into them or not. I have been my own person all along, and am no different now...even if I don't "fit in" a particular team.
But having spoken to my friend, I have no problem being decided on The Lavendar Team. This is a team for all the lesbians out there whos families are in denial about them being certain they are gay due to their complexity. This is a team for those of us who like to leave lipgloss/lipstick marks on our long-neck beer bottles, or who do our hair nice and sexy and let it all down on our polo shirt, or who work on our cars but keep our nails manacured, or who workout and lift more than men but have sexy womenly figures, or who are as dirty-minded and perverted as the next guy, or who wear Monolos with our jeans, or who like to read the Sports section of the paper in the same day we read Fashion Magazine looking for the latest fashion trends. This is the team for us ladies that go against the grain, and who don't settle for the "status quo". Us ladies that invent our own agendas, and who are too complex to read our next moves. This is for us ladies that don't mind being on either "top" or "bottom"; depending on what we want each time. This team is for us women who always seem to get asked to be involved counselors for our straight men and women friends in relationships because we understand both sides.
So here we are...another mold has been created.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Faith
I actually wrote this 174 days ago, but it has new meaning to me today and I thought I'd post it on this blog. I originally published it on Bebo.com. | |||
FAITH: *Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. *Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters. *The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will. *A set of principles or beliefs. The single most important thing I have learned...Faith. This, to my surprise, was the one piece of the equation that was missing. True, I had been a Christian...believed in God, believed in the Word. Great, but I never lived out in faith. I must say, that the first thing that I found out about myself during this time has been that my biggest hindrance was that I did not "feel" ready for anything. SO many people wait around thinking they will have some particular feeling that lets them know what they are supposed to do or when they are supposed to do it. But I finally thought: How can you know what it feels like to do something you have not done? So I learned that to live a full life, you have to learn to do things by faith and not by feeling. This does not come as a natural thing to me. I am so driven by my emotions and by my feelings...and I have so many of them. While I've been over here, in Iraq, I have realized so much about what faith means to an individual. I didn't realize before how many things we put our faith in everyday. I put my faith in my left and right feet...that they will not trip one another when I walk. I put my faith in my eyes, that they are not deceiving me when I look around. I put my faith in my tongue, every time I open my mouth, that it expresses what my mind has been thinking. I put my faith in my alarm clock, that it will wake me up at the hour I set it to wake me. I put my faith in the water that I brush my teeth with, that it did not come from the porta-pottie pond water and that it's not going to grow algae on my teeth or hair on my chest. But when did I ever put faith in myself??? Never. That was step number one. So, once I learned how to have faith in myself, I learned how to have faith in others and in God. It didn't come easy, but God showed me over the last 545 days or more how to trust that He knows what He's doing in my life...a very difficult lesson for me to have learned, but I finally feel like I have. I have no idea what lies ahead in these next few weeks as I head back home, but I have *FAITH* that God has it all planned out and under His control. This leaves my mind and myself a lot more available to helping others around me and to enjoy the time left with all my new friends. I actually will miss this experience for all it was worth to my growth and development. God Bless! See you soon!!! | |||
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Sunday, August 14, 2005
Social Boundaries
I have gone on several dates here recently that have left me thinking about the dynamics of meeting people in general. It has all left me wondering...Have I been made calloused and cynical or is this the "social norm"? Now, I am not be the worlds most "normal" person. But who wants that title? I most certainly don't like fitting into any particular mold too well. "Normal," to me, implies that I'm satisfied with the mundane, the status quo, and mediocrity.
Although I normally run from normality, I still expect certain normalities to be apparent in people I just met. Maybe this is just something that I have invented, but being it that these days hardly any idea formed is really of the original nature, I highly doubt it. But I believe that there do exist certain widely accepted "social boundaries" for dating, as well as for friendships.
I have found here recently that too many people over-step those boundaries with little, or no regard for their actions; myself included in this group.
So what are these boundaries, you might ask; so as to avoid the public and private humiliation that is accompanied by making such moves?
For starters, in the dating world...there are certain things that one can do in order to not come off as being "desperate." These are very simple, yet so often disregarded. On a recent date, the girl (I'll call her "Amber" to protect her identity) came off as too aggressive. Amber seemed to be coming on to me too strong and WAY too soon. PEOPLE!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! The first date is typically a time to act DISINTERESTED. It is an interview, a try-out, it's the point where you mark your tablet and compare your date to your standards. This is a time that you test out how much "chat chemistry" you have with them, how much physical attraction you have, but NOT when you decided if you want a relationship with them!!! A RELATIONSHIP (at least of the healthy kind, anyway) is something that DEVELOPES...it's not something that can be forced. With time, and a good deal of energy, you earn and give trust and learn to accept the other person's pro's with their con's, and how they interact with your own. You set new standards and new boundaries as time goes on; as your relating with this other person begins to change you into a better and more mature person. Change (of the maturing kind) is a good tail sign that your relating to that other person is worth your time.
But back to the first few dates...and avoiding coming off as desperate. Don't push your date into a "conversation corner". If they are uncomfortable in talking about a certain topic, be curtious and avoid it...change the subject. Remember that when someone doesn't want to talk about something, it's usually something you don't have a right to know yet anyway. Remember...you have to EARN trust...and that takes time. Next, you should avoid laying down hints that they are certain to "score" with you that same night. No one wants to date a tramp long-term...not even a tramp. But hey...if all you're looking for is one to a few good nights of sex...that's all you'll get out of being too physically aggressive the first few dates. Oh...and if you get lucky this way...remember that means the other person is desperate! Then there are the endearing remarks that you should avoid giving to or calling the other person by....like "sugar", "baby", "honey", "pookie", "sweetie"...well, sweetie isn't so awful, "honey-bunny", etc...after just a few dates. Don't give a person too much too soon, or they will run with it...and I mean run away LITERALLY. If you feel like you hit it off well with someone right off the bat...it's best to call them "turd" or "dork"...poke some fun about something they did that was cute but somewhat embarrassing if you're going to call them anything.
Alrighty, and before you head off to date people...make sure you have your standards straight...so you won't compromise them. Also, GET A LIFE! Yes, develop into the person you want to be, and make your life into YOUR life! Another big turn-off is when you know the person you're dating is trying to just mold into whatever you're looking for that they are not, or they automatically start integrating their whole life to revolve around yours. So, if you set standards for the person you want to be with...work on being that person yourself. In the end, not only will you end up with the kind of person on your list, but you will also be that kind of person on their list. Wouldn't you want to actually satisfy someone else's list?
Oh, and don't make a comprehensive list...no one is perfect, and if you're looking for perfection...you're just going to be headed for a long line of disappointment.
With all that said...
Here's My list of standards (not a comprehensive list):
1. Has faith on a deeper level that they won't compromise for ME and is very compassionate and charismatic
2. Likes me as I am, but encourages me or inspires me in some way into a better person than I already am, and I do the same for them
3. Has good conversational skills...someone who can express their thoughts and feelings to me freely and likes to talk about a variety of topics and can keep up with my gabbing...but starts off slow and doesn't open up too much too soon.
4. Is self-confident but not arrogant or ignorant about it, and can accept criticism and compliments as well as deliver them with sincerity and compassion. Someone with whom I can make it through a disagreement, argument, misunderstanding, and/or fight and our connection become stronger from it instead of fall apart.
5. Has a good sense of humor...wide-range sense of humor...sometimes dry, sometimes slap-stick, sometimes cynical, sometimes dirty...not afraid to tell me my joke sucks and laugh about that...or to laugh about their joke sucking
6. Likes to have fun, but also knows when to be serious
7. Independent, self-made, hard-working, but also hard-loving (not hard to love, but loves hard) 8. Doesn't have to get drunk, get high, or get laid just to have a good time
9. Knows how to be and is a good friend...to their friends, and to me
10. Has goals and works to achieve them...even if they change their mind on what their goals actually are
11. Isn't perfect and doesn't believe that they are either
12. Puts at least some effort into how they look to look good for themselves as well as for me, but is not so concerned about what others think
13. Is highly attractive to me (usually personality plays largely on how I see a person), and is highly attracted to me (who I AM, not just how I look)
**and some extras that I'd like but not everyone can fit all of the above and still have all of the following:
X) Likes a wide range of music and arts, likes to dance
Y) and has some rhythm (this is a huge turn-on for me)
Z) Likes sports, being active, and trying new things (I really want to find someone that likes to explore the not-so-boring side of life with me, and even try some challenging things that neither of us has ever done before)
-Co-brainstormed by Marian
Although I normally run from normality, I still expect certain normalities to be apparent in people I just met. Maybe this is just something that I have invented, but being it that these days hardly any idea formed is really of the original nature, I highly doubt it. But I believe that there do exist certain widely accepted "social boundaries" for dating, as well as for friendships.
I have found here recently that too many people over-step those boundaries with little, or no regard for their actions; myself included in this group.
So what are these boundaries, you might ask; so as to avoid the public and private humiliation that is accompanied by making such moves?
For starters, in the dating world...there are certain things that one can do in order to not come off as being "desperate." These are very simple, yet so often disregarded. On a recent date, the girl (I'll call her "Amber" to protect her identity) came off as too aggressive. Amber seemed to be coming on to me too strong and WAY too soon. PEOPLE!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! The first date is typically a time to act DISINTERESTED. It is an interview, a try-out, it's the point where you mark your tablet and compare your date to your standards. This is a time that you test out how much "chat chemistry" you have with them, how much physical attraction you have, but NOT when you decided if you want a relationship with them!!! A RELATIONSHIP (at least of the healthy kind, anyway) is something that DEVELOPES...it's not something that can be forced. With time, and a good deal of energy, you earn and give trust and learn to accept the other person's pro's with their con's, and how they interact with your own. You set new standards and new boundaries as time goes on; as your relating with this other person begins to change you into a better and more mature person. Change (of the maturing kind) is a good tail sign that your relating to that other person is worth your time.
But back to the first few dates...and avoiding coming off as desperate. Don't push your date into a "conversation corner". If they are uncomfortable in talking about a certain topic, be curtious and avoid it...change the subject. Remember that when someone doesn't want to talk about something, it's usually something you don't have a right to know yet anyway. Remember...you have to EARN trust...and that takes time. Next, you should avoid laying down hints that they are certain to "score" with you that same night. No one wants to date a tramp long-term...not even a tramp. But hey...if all you're looking for is one to a few good nights of sex...that's all you'll get out of being too physically aggressive the first few dates. Oh...and if you get lucky this way...remember that means the other person is desperate! Then there are the endearing remarks that you should avoid giving to or calling the other person by....like "sugar", "baby", "honey", "pookie", "sweetie"...well, sweetie isn't so awful, "honey-bunny", etc...after just a few dates. Don't give a person too much too soon, or they will run with it...and I mean run away LITERALLY. If you feel like you hit it off well with someone right off the bat...it's best to call them "turd" or "dork"...poke some fun about something they did that was cute but somewhat embarrassing if you're going to call them anything.
Alrighty, and before you head off to date people...make sure you have your standards straight...so you won't compromise them. Also, GET A LIFE! Yes, develop into the person you want to be, and make your life into YOUR life! Another big turn-off is when you know the person you're dating is trying to just mold into whatever you're looking for that they are not, or they automatically start integrating their whole life to revolve around yours. So, if you set standards for the person you want to be with...work on being that person yourself. In the end, not only will you end up with the kind of person on your list, but you will also be that kind of person on their list. Wouldn't you want to actually satisfy someone else's list?
Oh, and don't make a comprehensive list...no one is perfect, and if you're looking for perfection...you're just going to be headed for a long line of disappointment.
With all that said...
Here's My list of standards (not a comprehensive list):
1. Has faith on a deeper level that they won't compromise for ME and is very compassionate and charismatic
2. Likes me as I am, but encourages me or inspires me in some way into a better person than I already am, and I do the same for them
3. Has good conversational skills...someone who can express their thoughts and feelings to me freely and likes to talk about a variety of topics and can keep up with my gabbing...but starts off slow and doesn't open up too much too soon.
4. Is self-confident but not arrogant or ignorant about it, and can accept criticism and compliments as well as deliver them with sincerity and compassion. Someone with whom I can make it through a disagreement, argument, misunderstanding, and/or fight and our connection become stronger from it instead of fall apart.
5. Has a good sense of humor...wide-range sense of humor...sometimes dry, sometimes slap-stick, sometimes cynical, sometimes dirty...not afraid to tell me my joke sucks and laugh about that...or to laugh about their joke sucking
6. Likes to have fun, but also knows when to be serious
7. Independent, self-made, hard-working, but also hard-loving (not hard to love, but loves hard) 8. Doesn't have to get drunk, get high, or get laid just to have a good time
9. Knows how to be and is a good friend...to their friends, and to me
10. Has goals and works to achieve them...even if they change their mind on what their goals actually are
11. Isn't perfect and doesn't believe that they are either
12. Puts at least some effort into how they look to look good for themselves as well as for me, but is not so concerned about what others think
13. Is highly attractive to me (usually personality plays largely on how I see a person), and is highly attracted to me (who I AM, not just how I look)
**and some extras that I'd like but not everyone can fit all of the above and still have all of the following:
X) Likes a wide range of music and arts, likes to dance
Y) and has some rhythm (this is a huge turn-on for me)
Z) Likes sports, being active, and trying new things (I really want to find someone that likes to explore the not-so-boring side of life with me, and even try some challenging things that neither of us has ever done before)
-Co-brainstormed by Marian
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Sex-change???
I've gone on a couple more dates this week...in the midst of packing and moving...not the best time to go on dates, but hey! I'm out for an adventure.
And adventure I have...well....endured.
I went out with this girl the other night, we'll call her "sex-change Bobbie". She had a boyish name and the most awkward physique I've ever seen on a woman. Actually, I was almost certain that SHE was going to be a HE when we talked on the phone. Her voice was just not convincingly feminine enough for me.<<
I don't know what I was looking for when I went out with Bobbie. She clearly wasn't my type; neither her personality nor her physical traits matched what I'm normally attracted to. However, I think that I made some pretty weird assumptions during our time out.
I went and picked "Bobbie" up from her place around 7:30 the other night. I ended up taking her to this coffee shop right next to the dollar movie theatre. There's this drink there that I just know I'm not going to be able to have ever again, so while I'm in the early stages of my newly diagnosed diabetes, I thought I'd go take advantage of being ignorant to the disease right now. We arrived there around 8pm and left about 9pm. That was the single shortest date I've ever had. Normally, either myself, or the other person would strain to make the date last long enough to have real solid reasons not to call the other person and schedule a second date. But this time, I got tired. I couldn't get myself to talk to myself for any longer than an hour. Afterall...I had been talking to myself all day packing. And Laura had called me earlier and we always talk too long; as most best friends do...
Anyway, in the short time that I spent at Java with "Bobbie", I made a pretty wild assumption...I REALLY think Bobbie was once a guy...yes...thus the name "sex-change Bobbie." Her voice fluctuated way too high and low at strange times. She was abnormally tall for a woman...6', although plump. Her boobs seemed a little off. I couldn't pin-point it...not that I was staring at her chest the whole night (I'm really not shallow like that).
The truth about my outing with "Bobbie", though, is that I couldn't find a way to connect to her...not a single one! I spent the whole hour talking up a storm...trying to make up for the many awkward pauses in conversation. "Bobbie" just sat there.
So, what would a man, who had a sex-change to be a woman want to do with a woman? Would that make him straight? Or a lesbian? Or was she just trying badly to meet someone to be friends with?
Am I strange to think that she was a man? I wish I had taken a picture. These are the types of situations you get yourself in and can never prove, and always wonder about afterwards.
And adventure I have...well....endured.
I went out with this girl the other night, we'll call her "sex-change Bobbie". She had a boyish name and the most awkward physique I've ever seen on a woman. Actually, I was almost certain that SHE was going to be a HE when we talked on the phone. Her voice was just not convincingly feminine enough for me.<<
I don't know what I was looking for when I went out with Bobbie. She clearly wasn't my type; neither her personality nor her physical traits matched what I'm normally attracted to. However, I think that I made some pretty weird assumptions during our time out.
I went and picked "Bobbie" up from her place around 7:30 the other night. I ended up taking her to this coffee shop right next to the dollar movie theatre. There's this drink there that I just know I'm not going to be able to have ever again, so while I'm in the early stages of my newly diagnosed diabetes, I thought I'd go take advantage of being ignorant to the disease right now. We arrived there around 8pm and left about 9pm. That was the single shortest date I've ever had. Normally, either myself, or the other person would strain to make the date last long enough to have real solid reasons not to call the other person and schedule a second date. But this time, I got tired. I couldn't get myself to talk to myself for any longer than an hour. Afterall...I had been talking to myself all day packing. And Laura had called me earlier and we always talk too long; as most best friends do...
Anyway, in the short time that I spent at Java with "Bobbie", I made a pretty wild assumption...I REALLY think Bobbie was once a guy...yes...thus the name "sex-change Bobbie." Her voice fluctuated way too high and low at strange times. She was abnormally tall for a woman...6', although plump. Her boobs seemed a little off. I couldn't pin-point it...not that I was staring at her chest the whole night (I'm really not shallow like that).
The truth about my outing with "Bobbie", though, is that I couldn't find a way to connect to her...not a single one! I spent the whole hour talking up a storm...trying to make up for the many awkward pauses in conversation. "Bobbie" just sat there.
So, what would a man, who had a sex-change to be a woman want to do with a woman? Would that make him straight? Or a lesbian? Or was she just trying badly to meet someone to be friends with?
Am I strange to think that she was a man? I wish I had taken a picture. These are the types of situations you get yourself in and can never prove, and always wonder about afterwards.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
In and out of the Closet
So I spent all day organizing my tiny little shit closet. What I REALLY felt like doing instead was rippping it out of the framing of the house! Well, I guess I just have to deal with it for now. Afterall...it IS free!
So anyways...I got a little obsessive over organizing it, and ended up at Walmart buying all matching hangers. Then I managed to organize everything by type and color. This was an all day fiasco. Wheeew. I'm almost done. I just have to wait out the storm that just hit and then I can go back to Walmart for some more hangers! Yay! I love organizing!<<
So anyways...I got a little obsessive over organizing it, and ended up at Walmart buying all matching hangers. Then I managed to organize everything by type and color. This was an all day fiasco. Wheeew. I'm almost done. I just have to wait out the storm that just hit and then I can go back to Walmart for some more hangers! Yay! I love organizing!<<
Saturday, August 06, 2005
I-O-U
I just spent over and hour and a half ranting and raving on the phone with my friend Marian. Oh, dear! I now methinks I either owe Marian an hour and a half of listening to her rant and rave or I owe her and hour and a half of wages for listening to mine. That could actually add up...if I really think about it. Concider the average cost of therapy: $75 p/h. Ouch...Marian...will you just accept an I-O-U??? ;)
Left
I know I have
A reason to breathe
Besides just when
You're standing
Beside me
But to catch that breath
And my second wind
I must run accross the flames
I must burn from within
My torch is my drive
My will to succeed
And as far as I know
That is all I need
Though the toxins of lust
Run course through my veins
This feeling inside
Is torched by my flames
The lust that we shared
Wasn't just in vain
And the feelings we shared
Are now nothing but shame
It's true that I left you
I left you behind
I left you naked
And bare
Erased from my mind
Never called either way
I'm sorry I did this
I'm such a jerk
I admitt
But I couldn't pull through
I just don't feel it
A reason to breathe
Besides just when
You're standing
Beside me
But to catch that breath
And my second wind
I must run accross the flames
I must burn from within
My torch is my drive
My will to succeed
And as far as I know
That is all I need
Though the toxins of lust
Run course through my veins
This feeling inside
Is torched by my flames
The lust that we shared
Wasn't just in vain
And the feelings we shared
Are now nothing but shame
It's true that I left you
I left you behind
I left you naked
And bare
Erased from my mind
Never called either way
I'm sorry I did this
I'm such a jerk
I admitt
But I couldn't pull through
I just don't feel it
Romance to me
All the same places
All the same faces
Going through the motions
Of everyday life
Stoich and numb
Thoughts a distraction
I'm a person of action
Taking all the ropes
By my very hands
Walking the fine lines
Walking the tight ropes
No net underneath
To walk with me
Is walking alone
If you make it through
Then you've made it on your own
And then I can handle
Letting you in
My only requirement
Is that you be open
And free
Be yourself
Don't worry
About what I think
I'll like you for who you are
If you're being true
Just don't play games
Don't try to romance me
Be real and be frank
Romance to me
Is not being fake
The roses, they wither
They dry and they fade
But based on a friendship
We can make it all the way
All the same faces
Going through the motions
Of everyday life
Stoich and numb
Thoughts a distraction
I'm a person of action
Taking all the ropes
By my very hands
Walking the fine lines
Walking the tight ropes
No net underneath
To walk with me
Is walking alone
If you make it through
Then you've made it on your own
And then I can handle
Letting you in
My only requirement
Is that you be open
And free
Be yourself
Don't worry
About what I think
I'll like you for who you are
If you're being true
Just don't play games
Don't try to romance me
Be real and be frank
Romance to me
Is not being fake
The roses, they wither
They dry and they fade
But based on a friendship
We can make it all the way
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