Well...another dollar SPENT! Hey, well, I hope I get that job at Washington Mutual. I turned down a job the other day for Marketing Coordinator at my friend's firm making $37K a year because I would have had to drop a class. I VOWED that I would never drop another class for a job again...so here I am sticking to my guns!
Which brings me to...
WHY the sudden urge to go back to work, to get a condo...etc.??? Well, for one thing...this has been the longest period of my life since I started working that I have NOT worked and that I have NOT lived on my own. I guess I haven't been feeling like my life is MY life! I'm thinking this makes PERFECT sense.
At the same time...I know what I want...and that is I want to be independent, and right now, although I'm not dependent financially on them, I AM living with my parents. This does NOT make me FEEL independent. Urrrk... I'm feeling unsettled! I also FEEL grown up...yep, I thought I would never feel this way, but I can tell that I do!
It's not that I'm snobby, or judgemental (*although I have caught myself being somewhat a little of both lately), but I just KNOW what I want. I KNOW where I want my life to go...but I'm not sitting here planning EVERY step out. I AM, however, making the necessary steps to get myself there...
And this brings me to why I am NOT connecting with so many new people I'm meeting...esp. other lesbians. It seems to me that the majority of lesbians seem to allow their girlfriends to drag them down...their lives become wrapped around each other and their goals go by the wayside...they literally do "move in" within the first few dates...NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR (*thus why I know for SURE that I am no longer interested in someone). I think you have to have some security and stability of your own.
Knowing that I expect that from my girlfriend, I am working on this within myself. I want to make sure I am independent and stable and secure. I don't FEEL like any of these because of my OUTSIDE environment (*ie. living at my parents crazy house of *drama*...with Stephanie saying every week that she's moving back and then she never does...my parents' stupid arguments which they always resolve, but someone I get caught in the middle of everytime... and somehow me having ONE couch in their house is causing all their problems????). Haha.
Then there's my incredible competitive drive. I don't have to feel like I am BETTER than anyone, but if I'm with someone, I at least like to feel like I'm not a leech or that I am contributing equally...which means I also don't like to be leeched on, though I like to make someone feel *special and I like it when they make me feel *special.
Okay...this all makes me sound like I'm focusing TOO much on the monetary aspects of life and relationships...
Not at all. I just think that I'm frustrated with it all because of someone's recent leeching and my recent aberation from my normal "level-minded", " cool and collected", "I'm not going to let myself get dragged down by anyone else" self. I'm angry that I let myself be such a *lesbian* (ie. let emotions get their way with my me).
No comments:
Post a Comment