Anyway, after the interview, I was headed back home when a girl that I had met earlier this month called and asked if I wanted to meet up at Sue's. While still feeling so good about the interview, I agreed. I thought I could have a Pelligrino to celebrate (ha ha...I TRULY was a good girl tonight). Anywho...
I get there and it's obvious this girl has already thrown a few back (and I don't mean Pelligrino's...mind you)...let's back-track a little bit and let me explain who this girl is...
A girl I met about a month ago at Sue Ellen's...she's from Australia, is a really nice girl, but I had NO chemistry with or attraction to her. She asked me the night we met what I thought about her...I thought it was odd to have someone ask that...I pretty much rely on vibes and expressions to pick up if someone likes me or not...and if they do, they normally make it clearly known (she made it more than clearly known)...and I too make it clearly known by how flirty I am with them...and if I REALLY like them...I make it known by how *nervous* I act around them...*cough*cough*cough*.
However, I drew no line...I gave her no signal. I was never flirty with her, though I was polite. I was my normal self; and I didn't throw any mixed signals out there. I told her I thought she was nice and that maybe we could get to know one another as friends, but that I don't think we have a love connection, if that's what she meant by her question.---I know, it seems really harsh, but I like to take a more direct approach when it comes to these things...or at least, I've been trying to. I have learned a tough lesson (with still several obsessive women calling me insessantly) that unless you tell a lesbian you DO NOT like her, it seems to me that she will assume that you do; or that eventually you will; or that she stands some chance...someday!
So as I was ready to leave (mind you, I try to leave Sue's as early as I can usually). I prefer to go to S4 most of the time because I find myself feeling a lot more comfortable around the gay boys....This is probably due to the fact that everytime I waltz into Sue's, I have been hit on or touched in some compromising way by at least one woman that I have no connection with (or connection to).
I admitt, although I say I am not out at Sue's looking to meet SOMEONE, but rather, I am at Sue's looking to meet PEOPLE...I can think of no other place where if I meet someone I want to hook up with, I am 95% certain that they actually swing for my team. So, I am stuck in this paradoxical nightmare.
Anyway...Back to my night tonight...
So I told her after one Pelligrino at Sue's that I wanted to go over to RoundUp to sing...so we head over there. After I sing, she tells me that my song was "absolutely breathtakingly sexy"
ME: ..."WOOOOOHHHHH....HOLD UP!... [Urrrkkk!..Screech!...Music stops playing.......okay, well maybe it didn't stop, but it did in my head]
"I TOLD you that I'm not interested in you that way, right?"
Her: [trying to kiss me]
ME: [pulling way far back and falling off the stool]...(thank God they are tall and force me to be practically standing anyway)
Her: "What's wrong?"
ME: "You have had a few too many there...Let's go back to Sue's and I'm going to have another Pelligrino then call it a night."
Her: "Why?"
ME: [Walking away and out of RoundUp and forcing her to follow by me not responding or waiting around for her to ask anymore frustrating questions.]
My mood is killed at this point...I mean, I was in a REALLY great mood tonight. I felt like the floodgates had openned and this drab/cloud was lifted...then BAM!...She drops this BOMB on me! I go ahead and brush my shoulders off anyhow...
Now...Back to my good mood at Sue Ellen's...
Her: [having another rum&coke] "So you really just want to be friends? You don't want to get with me? What is it about me that turns you off?"
ME: [and my Pelligrino] "It's not really like that...It's more like I don't have a type...I have a list. And I'm not looking for someone to fit it perfectly, but I am really picky. It's nothing against you and who you are...you're nice. But I'm not looking for anything superficial and I find all these first meetings with people to be only about superficiality. You don't know me, and yet here you are practically throwing yourself onto me. Now, granted, it could be the alcohol giving you false signals or liquid courage that you would otherwise not have. But regardless, I did make it clear to you the first night we met that I was not interested in anymore than a friendship with you, did I not?"
Her: "Yeah, but I have always gotten that in the past and that was just cuz that person was shy. I have never had a girl I met not throwing herself at me."
ME: "I don't follow...So what you're trying to tell me is that women will say they just want to be friends when in fact that is just a ploy or tactic to get you more interested so that next time they can throw themselves on you and you can have sex?"
Her: "Well......" long pause "Yeah"
ME: [urk] [wtf!] [am I really a lesbian?] [why yes, yes I am...and NO, NO I still don't want to get with her] "Okay...ummm...that's messed up! Just take me at my word...If I say I want to be friends...I MEAN: I just want to be friends. TRUST ME, if I want to get with you, I would make it really known...I would probably say..."I am interested in you" or "I kinda like you" or hint at it in a more indirect way, but still quite obvious"
...like blog entries that explain where I'm comming from and ***hint hint***
http://autarchic.blogspot.com/2005/08/social-boundaries.html
*cough *cough
If anything, one thing I HAVE learned about myself is that...I AM a lesbian that CAN accept friendship. I have found that more valuable and rewarding than torturing myself over something that isn't meant to be.
When i say i'm looking for friends, that's really what i'm looking for. seriously...it's not code for "one night stand," "special friend" or "friend with benefits."
I have had such a hard time lately just meeting people that are interested in getting to know me as just friends. I admit, I am also looking for that “special someone” but I don’t believe in making moves too soon. I want to get to know someone well, or at least enough to know I really have an interest in who they are, not just what they look like or the kind of “vibe” or “feeling” I get when I’m around them. I think this is an important thing to me that I’m going to have to stand by.
In conclusion...I left that girl at Sue's told her to call me tomorrow when she's sober...and tipped the bartender to watch her and call her a cab if she didn't sober up before she left. I have an early doctor's appointment to wake up for...I'm finally going to get explained all that good stuff about being a diabetic and how to control it and all...YAY! I don't have to be clueless anymore! Haha. Somehow I think I may need more than just a class on being diabetic...How about a class on being a lesbian and how to manage, minimize and deal with drama...??? =o)
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