Scary Facials

Okay, this is week 3 and my facial issues have been driving me crazy. I haven't been getting out much because of this horrible experience with a facial I had 3 weeks ago. My face broke out worst than it ever had before. I'm talking blisters, pimples, peeling...the whole nine-yards!
It's left me no choice but to be like a hermit for these last 3 weeks. Only a few choice friends have seen me like this...and a few complete strangers I have met from online or just at random.
This medicated cream stuff has my face looking like plastic at night. This is the strangest thing I've ever undergone for the sake of beauty. I'm thinking of getting waxed and pedicured next week. I've also been undergoing mouth reconstruction in order to take on caps to make my smile perfect. This is going to be a long, painful and drawn-out process that requires a lot of time and decation. I cannot turn back once I begin, and I've already begun.
Hmmm...I guess I've been really focusing on how I look a lot more this year. I have never looked bad. Never thought that I'm not attractive...don't have issues about how my body looks either. So why the sudden urge to look pristine? I guess it's because I'm working on everything else...things on the inside...why not also my appearance? I've been wanting to do these things for a while, but of course, I didn't have the money or the time before (for my appearance of course). The changes on the inside I've had the time, just not the patience or the desire to change until now. I know that no one is perfect or will ever be, but there's plenty that anyone person can find within themselves on any given day of their lives that they could and should change. Sadly, most people don't care and don't change. I don't think I'm any better for making this a focus of mine, but I do believe that it sets me apart. I don't know if this is why I've had a strange phenomenon going on where every lesbian I have met lately in attempt to make some lesbian friends has wanted to "get with" me, or what...I am having a hard time with this. Is it a full moon, perhaps??? Do I need to focus on how I'm coming off to people and maybe tone down my out-going personality? What's the deal???...I will have to work this one out.
Anyways, school started back up this week and it's obvious I'm not going to get out much during the weeks. Although, I do have more free time than I ever had before...since I don't have a job for the first time since I was 14. I'm really tempted to go back to work. I miss it. I can't stand not having a job. The only complication with that is how I'm still undergoing the mouth reconstruction and it's going to take about 10 more months to complete it all. I don't want to have explain what's going on in my mouth to employers as I'm undergoing these changes.
I'll have to give it some more thought and then decide on this job thing.
I'm sure I can find an employer that's not going to mind, though. I think that perhaps my fear is that I need to start looking for a job that is going to set me up in the future, rather than just meet my current needs. I need something that's going to be challenging, professional, and worth my time.

The most politically incorrect blog post ever

Lost in the undertow of the tidal wave of news coming out of the inland sea that used to be New Orleans is the story of the 800 Iraqi Shiites who died today in a stampede — that’s the word they’re using; stampede, as in livestock — on a bridge over the Tigris.
Look, I’ve got as much sympathy for those Iraqis as anybody else. I really do. To lose a loved one or friend in such a senseless way is horrible.
But seriously … what does it say about a group of people that they would literally trample each other to death and push each other off of a bridge?
There are plenty of incidents in the historical record of crowds panicking and trampling people to death. It happened in a Chicago nightclub in February 2003, and 21 people died. So this is definitely not something that’s related to race or ethnicity or religion. But it happens sufficiently rarely that it’s clearly not a normal part of the human condition. It’s not true that any time you get a hundred people in the same place and somebody farts, there’s gonna be a death toll.
So what the hell? What conditions are necessary to create an event like this? Clearly not just any randomly selected crowd is going to be susceptible to the phenomenon. It takes the right combination of factors. But what are those factors? Does the make-up of the crowd have anything to do with it? Is this something that’s far more likely to happen when the crowd is composed of poorly educated people, or does the education of the participants have no bearing on the likelihood of an event like the one we saw today?
I think these are questions that are worth asking. Worth throwing time and effort at to try to solve? No, probably not; we need a cure for diabetes first, among about a thousand other things. But I think failing to acknowledge that these are valid questions is kind of dishonest.
And by the way, to all you idiots out there who are blaming this on George W. Bush: Cut it out. Your ideological brothers in arms are doing a much better job of blaming Bush for the hurricane. Next to them, you people look like rank amateurs.

Politically Incorrect

Today I am being quite ornery. This would probably be because I’m on the rag. Yes, I don’t care who I offend today, I feel like talking about this thing that makes me a grown-ass woman.
Imagine if men had periods. First of all, that would be pretty fucking gross. The two things that discust me the most are penises and periods…To put the two together would make men the epitamy of gross.
I remember some pretty insane conversations that my best friend and I have shared over the years. We discuss our dreams with one another quite often. Well, one night, Laura had an exceptionally strange dream. She drempt she had a penis and that she had to pee but had an erection that wouldn’t go down, so she couldn’t.
I asked her if she woke up feeling gross. (This back then was a very strange question for me to ask…given that I wasn’t out yet.) She answered that it did. She was glad to high heaven that she doesn’t have an extremity with a mind of its own. So am I…glad she doesn’t have one and glad that I don’t have one.
I guess that means that I’m satisfied having to have a period every month, then too. At least I don’t have to wake up with a five o’clock shadow and a one-eyed monster staring at me every morning!
In exchange for a monthly drag…I have a beautiful set of tits that I can play with and a clit. Not to mention a killer ass and awesome abs. Damn, I love the woman figure and I love being a woman.

---

Rags up!

Atomic Blast

I learned SO many things during my time in Iraq. Still, more correlations between what I learned there and how it applies to my life now keep coming to me.
The move(s) today were long and draining. I was playing phone tag most of the day with my best friend Laura, her mom in Tennessee, my ex Matt, my friend Joel down the street, and my friend Jamie in College Station. Joel volunteered to help me all day, but the initial plan and strategically timed agenda got thrown off by a simple mistake made on my part...I packed up my paper with all the information I had written on it about the storage facility, Laura's parents' code to get into it, and all that good jazz...oh, and my phone was chewed up by my dog...to add to the issue.
One SIMPLE mistake...MANY complications that followed.
Complication
#1 Can't get ahold of Laura because she's out in the wilderness on a camping trip
#2 Can't get ahold of her mom because they are at church
#3 Joel is ready to go, and sits out waiting for me because I'm rummaging through my garbage searching for that rolodex I had just thrown out yesterday (before my dog chewed my phone)
#4 Can't get ahold of her boyfriend because I don't have his number
#5 Keep getting calls from unknown numbers (all numbers are unknown to me at this point because phone has nothing stored in it)
#6 Find old SIM card and put it in another phone to get the stored old numbers (yes...Complication because old numbers are...well...OLD)
#7 Get ahold of Laura's boyfriend, get ahold of Laura (who's with her boyfriend)...Complication because I must now start more phone tag before getting the information I needed
#8 Get call from Laura's mom, get information...Need to get van at Enterprise
#9 Enterprise doesn't recognize me as 25...that would be because I'm 24. Yes, pay larger fee to be young.
#10 Get van, get crap out of storage place, head out to College Station...already cost me 2 meals at this point (deal was to feed Joel for his help all day)
#11 Dude...how much does a man eat!?
#12 Gas prices on the rise and I'm driving a tank
#13 "Man and remote control" syndrome...I have me a "radio nazi" for the ride...YAY!
#14 The wheels on the van go round and round...
#15 Who in the hell brainstormed the brilliant idea to BOX UP a mattress and box-spring set??
#16 Arrive and get a 3rd meal for Joel
#17 Make the exchange of goods (sexy hair-do gone with the first bead of sweat that falls down my head...also gone...my wonderful fruity fragrance)
#18 Head out...finally Jamie calls and we catch one another on my way out of Bryan, TX
#19 Joel farted around with my ipod and now it's stuck on Dave Matthews...not a bad thing to get stuck on, by the way...Nonetheless...Still a problem
#20 feed Joel again
#21 begin returning all missed calls from the time we arrived til time we left (totally 12 calls) meanwhile...more sweat beads rolling down forehead as I was hoping not to be calling back obsessive, clingy dates from last week's cyber escapades
which leads me to
#22...
Ever been ambushed? I'm talking attack out of NOWHERE! While returning all my missed calls...they began...one after another...
I think I fed him too much.
The smells were mortifying!!!
Oh my dear Lord, what in your planet died and crawled up his rear end??
I rolled the windows down and there's nothing like enjoying a big woof of skunk versus the smell of smashed ass...
One after another, they still came. Window roll-down number 3 and I was ready to hurl, but no mercy was spared upon me.
Finally, after window roll-down number 17, we rolled into Dallas City Limits. Oh...the moment I rolled past that line right after returning from Iraq was nothing compared to this time! Knowing that I was only 20 minutes from my destination, versus 3 1/2 hours exhilerated me.
This all, somehow seemed to make sense to me in some weird political way...
Essentially, I wanted something from Joel...so I fed him all day expecting to collect on it at the end. Meanwhile, Joel wasn't too pleased with all my timing of everything and how I took control of the remote and was the driving force of the vehicle. So he began to try to give me shit...literally and figuratively. And so his attacks on me began...Mercilessly. Though all my smell sensors had been killed from the atomic blasts, I ultimately won the battle...I got what I wanted out of the deal with Joel...he loaded and unloaded my van and provided me with company for the day through all my endevours. I had fulfilled my end of the bargain and so had he.
Yet at the end of the day...Joel got gas. And so did I...at 2 cents cheaper per gallon than I had gotten in the morning.
How does this all tie back to my experience in Iraq?
You do the math.

What Can You Do?

What do you do when you lend out your most sentimental belonging to someone you trust, believing all the while that they are going to take care of it....and you get it back torn to pieces, and it smells like cat urine and B.O.?
My plans for this couch were to keep it forever. This couch meant a lot to me, not because of it's monetary value; although it was worth more than I would ever spend on a single piece of furniture. Rather, it meant a lot to me because my last memory of my grandmother was us sitting on that couch on Thanksgiving (a week before she died). I didn't get to say good-bye to her. In a sense, this was a piece of my history that I wanted to keep with me, to keep her close to me always.
I'm not as sentimental about the rest of my furniture...I could do without furniture, actually. The couch isn't even my style, but I love it dearly for the prize memory it holds within its putrid, mangled frame.
Here I am, though...just arrived at home to finally take a look at it. It's completely unsalvageable. I could change the upholstery, but it wouldn't get rid of the cat urine smell. I could treat it for the smell, but then it would loose it's sterdiness and be unstable for seating. My father commanded me to get rid of it tomorrow.
I'll have to take it apart because I will have no one to help me carry it down a flight of stairs. I have no other choice. I'll have to take a crow-bar to it and get it into 3 or 4 pieces in order to fit it into my car and take it to a dumpster.
This is deeply saddening me.

Texas Constitution campaign for November's Amendment Proposal

"When we lose the right to be different, we lose the right to be free." Charles Evans Hughes

Texans United is part of the statewide No Nonsense in November campaign that has mobilized in Collin County and surounding counties to educate the public about proposed Constitutional Amendment No. 2. The amendment will seek to write discrimination into the Texas Constituion by definining marriage between a man and woman, as well as prohibiting the recognition of civil unions, domestic partnerships, etc.It will be the first time that the Texas Constitution (Texas Bill of Rights) would be amended to remove rights from individuals in Texas.You can find out more information by visiting the Texans United website at http://www.texansunited.com/. Please think about getting involved, and lending your support to our efforts.
All members and supporters of the GLBT communities need to mobilize to vote against this amendment.
If you are interested in pledging against this amendment, please visit: http://www.ccgla.org/ as well. There will be a pride parade also on September 18th.

True Confessions

Most people have dirty little secrets that they have never shared and plan on never sharing with anyone else. I'm not talking about secrets that your friends have that you guys keep on each other, but your own secrets...the deep and dark kind.
Well, I'm going to expose mine tonight. For starters, I've been keeping a hit-list since I was in the sixth grade. This isn't a list of people I have any intention of actually "hitting" or killing, for that matter. But this is a list of people some day, if I go to my high school reunion and they aren't present, I will look up and see where life has really taken them. This is a list of people I thought were either seriously nasty and mean, or I thought would end up having a REAL hit-list of their own. On this list, I also seperately kept names of people I thought were really nice, but weren't ever given a chance socially.
Today, I spent my morning going through old paintings I created, old photographs and old journals I kept. That's when I came across the list.
The list begins with my first serious crush...Jeff. I was obsessed. He sat by me because our last names were so close in the alphabet. He played soccer and was "popular" with the "cool" kids...the group I never got into because all the kids thought I was hispanic...which is about the equivalence of being black here in Plano. Of course, I'm NOT hispanic, or black...but what does that matter anyway.
Junior high was a challenging time for me. This was a time, I'd say I truly learned what I'm made of and yet denied all that I came to know as true. I was a straight-A student, honor society, athletic and good at all the sports I was involved in. I was a team-player, a nice girl, a fun, yet deep, and a friend to all, though not popular.
Oh well. I think that the fact I wasn't popular growing up always bugged me. I kept so many aspects of who I truly am hidden and locked up inside because I worried too much about what others thought. It took me going to war and being the only woman in my platoon to overcome that mentality.
Next on my list was in junior high, this girl Lauren. We were friends, but it wasn't widely known. She was popular, a cheerleader; everyone liked her. She was the only popular kid that didn't care about what the other popular kids thought about the other kids. She's the one that back then asked me if I was a lesbian, and told me that it didn't matter either way to her, I would still be her friend. I told her I wasn't. I was still young and clueless. She helped me realize that some people in this world are real followers of Christ.
Then there's Natalie. I actually ran into her a year ago at the gym when I was home for 2 weeks from Iraq. I got to find out that she's in law school down at UT. She was another nice girl. Actually, she was the only popular girl that was in the gifted program (which I was also in). She took me seriously. She was about the only person that took me seriously; largely my fault because I denied being "gifted" and acted like a moron to cover it up. And when my parents beat the living crap out of me when I was in 2nd grade and I had to lie to the school so I wouldn't go into foster care...she stood by me...realized I wasn't a liar and knew why I had to lie while no one else did. I hope she goes into pro bono work.
Then there's Connie. She was "the fat girl". That's what everyone called her. She was a kid that lived in my neighborhood and rode my bus. She had no friends...none until me. Connie hated me at first. I didn't like her either, but I mean...she HATED me. She used to poke fun at me everyday on the bus. I was always nice and all the kids always liked me, thought I was nice. But Connie hated me for some reason. Looking back, I think it was because it was easy for her to take anger out on me that she did. I was always such a push-over...until one day. Connie was making fun of me insessently this one day for no apparent reason. I couldn't take it anymore and when she turned around to poke fun at me again, I punched her in the nose. It imediately started gushing blood...I mean REALLY gushing blood. The whole bus began applauding me and making fun of her for having picked on me so much. I felt really bad and gave her napkins and ice from my lunch box. And then I did something I would have never expected...I got off the bus at her stop with her, and walked her home. Then I spent that afternoon getting to know her and her family. I apologized profusely and left that night having a new friend.
She moved in high school and we didn't keep in touch. I wonder what became of her.


to be continued...

The S.H.A.P.E. of My Life

Service to humanity:
Although most people would expect me to write down that my biggest service to humanity was my time spent in Iraq for the Army, I believe that my biggest service has always been to my community, my family, and friends. Too many people loose out on making lasting impacts on the people in their daily lives while they go chasing after bigger windmills.

Hopes for the future:
My big hope for the future is that I find a lasting love. I have been so cautious in the past in my relationships that I have truly missed out on love. I believe now that I realized this, I have climbed mountains and just need to find someone I want to share life with. Another hope for the future I have is to be content with where I am and what I have, always have a goal I'm striving to reach, and to make lasting impacts on people that cross my path...you know...the kind of impacts that change attitudes, outlooks, and therefore lives.

Abilities for contribution:
In this area I am truly blessed. I have so many abilities...academic, literary, social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and creative. And if I haven't yet...I learn how.
Among my most "needed" or "desired" abilities are my carpentry, masonry, and creative skills. Also, my mechanical inclination, my artistic talent, and my power of written word.

Passions in life:
Relationships, faith, education, fitness and health, and management of my monetary goods.

Experiences that were shaping:
Moving from Brazil to the US. Visiting my father in the Middle East when he worked there. Joining the Army and its training. Going to Iraq with the Army. Making friends with troubled or difficult to relate with people. Being the only woman amongst 36 men for a year and a half.
Making mistakes in my high school days. Moving out on my own. Going back to school after having gone to Iraq.

Nerd Status

The Battle of The Teams

A friend of mine and I were recently discussing the girls we've dated. She and I both are lesbians. I, however, am newly out and she is an old veteran by comparison.

My comming out was long over-due when it finally came...and apart from the disappointment, most of my family already had suspected or pin-pointed me as being a lesbian already anyway. Their reasoning was that I was never a "very girlie girl". But what kept them seemingly in the dark about it all was that I wasn't butch either.

My friend said that I must just be "a player for The Lavendar Team". You see, in the "Lesbian World", there are two main teams...The Pink Team and The Blue Team. Do I really need to explain the differences??? Okay, very well...

Members of The Pink Team are what people would refer to as being "lipstick lesbians". They are the girls you would never in your wildest (well, maybe your wildest) fantasy imagine as being gay. They wear lipstick (thus, the title), carry purses, march around in Monolo's, wear fancy designer clothing from big department stores like Saks and Nordstroms...and get lots of attention from the male population, but come to bare the label of "bitches". There are a couple of reasons for this, but mainly: They don't put out. They are the beautiful, seductive and more feminine type (which means they are complicated and emotional).

Then there are the members of The Blue Team. These are your neighborhood manly women...You know them as "Dykes"...The kind that wear the pants (literally because they wouldn't be caught dead in a skirt or a dress), the baseball cap crew, the polo shirt crowd, the big ole t-shirt wearing, honky-tonk (or more classy tie and suit) mob. They usually sport short boyish hair-dos. They carry themselves in wider stances, broader steps and sit in unlady-like manners. They only drink long-neck bottle beers directly from the bottle, order their whiskey straight or on-the-rocks, and never ever wear their hair down long unless it's underneath a cap or hat. They are into sports, cars, and exploit women they find attractive. They either workout insessently and have manly muscles, or don't work out at all and load on the weight in their wastes to cover having big jugs...obviously this doesn't cover all their aspects, but works out steriotypically.

But as for me, my friends, I am neither a member of The Pink Team nor of The Blue Team. I like to think that I lean more towards The Pink Team, but the reality is that I have never quite fit in on either team. I love fashion, I love makeup, I am complicated, emotional, (been told I am) beautiful, get lots of attention from males (have the label of bitch), and sport a nice dress or skirt often enough that I don't feel nor look awkward in them. HOWEVER...I drink my beers from long-neck bottles, order hard shots from time to time, wear baseball caps and polo shirts, cut my hair short (but not boyish) in the summer time, wear pants, wear big unfashionable t-shirts, go without makeup to school often, sit unlady-like at times (only when I'm not wearing skirts or dresses, though), I am sporty, love cars, workout often (or did and started doing so again recently), have had biceps at some points in time that shamed some men, and I have been known to exploit women that I find attractive every now and then.

Some people would say that I am "confussed" about my "orientation" and this is why I don't fit into any particular team...if you don't fit into a team, you are "undecided" and obviously confussed.--Let me get this straight (I used the word "straight" here so I am obviously "confussed" again)...according to the straight people's bible of gayness, I am "confussed" because I haven't picked a team to play for? I didn't realize I MUST pick one, or I would have chosen one.--As if I have been ever so disorriented and unsure about what and who I am.

That, dear people, has not been the case. I did think for quite some time that I acted in ways I wasn't, and did things I didn't like; and a large part of that was that I buckled to peer pressures. I believe this is just a natural part of growing up and maturing. However, I was always independent and chose to act the ways I did...whether influenced into them or not. I have been my own person all along, and am no different now...even if I don't "fit in" a particular team.

But having spoken to my friend, I have no problem being decided on The Lavendar Team. This is a team for all the lesbians out there whos families are in denial about them being certain they are gay due to their complexity. This is a team for those of us who like to leave lipgloss/lipstick marks on our long-neck beer bottles, or who do our hair nice and sexy and let it all down on our polo shirt, or who work on our cars but keep our nails manacured, or who workout and lift more than men but have sexy womenly figures, or who are as dirty-minded and perverted as the next guy, or who wear Monolos with our jeans, or who like to read the Sports section of the paper in the same day we read Fashion Magazine looking for the latest fashion trends. This is the team for us ladies that go against the grain, and who don't settle for the "status quo". Us ladies that invent our own agendas, and who are too complex to read our next moves. This is for us ladies that don't mind being on either "top" or "bottom"; depending on what we want each time. This team is for us women who always seem to get asked to be involved counselors for our straight men and women friends in relationships because we understand both sides.

So here we are...another mold has been created.

Faith

	I actually wrote this 174 days ago, but it has new meaning to me today and I thought I'd post it on this blog. I originally published it on Bebo.com.
	FAITH: *Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. *Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters. *The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will. *A set of principles or beliefs. The single most important thing I have learned...Faith. This, to my surprise, was the one piece of the equation that was missing. True, I had been a Christian...believed in God, believed in the Word. Great, but I never lived out in faith. I must say, that the first thing that I found out about myself during this time has been that my biggest hindrance was that I did not "feel" ready for anything. SO many people wait around thinking they will have some particular feeling that lets them know what they are supposed to do or when they are supposed to do it. But I finally thought: How can you know what it feels like to do something you have not done? So I learned that to live a full life, you have to learn to do things by faith and not by feeling. This does not come as a natural thing to me. I am so driven by my emotions and by my feelings...and I have so many of them. While I've been over here, in Iraq, I have realized so much about what faith means to an individual. I didn't realize before how many things we put our faith in everyday. I put my faith in my left and right feet...that they will not trip one another when I walk. I put my faith in my eyes, that they are not deceiving me when I look around. I put my faith in my tongue, every time I open my mouth, that it expresses what my mind has been thinking. I put my faith in my alarm clock, that it will wake me up at the hour I set it to wake me. I put my faith in the water that I brush my teeth with, that it did not come from the porta-pottie pond water and that it's not going to grow algae on my teeth or hair on my chest. But when did I ever put faith in myself??? Never. That was step number one. So, once I learned how to have faith in myself, I learned how to have faith in others and in God. It didn't come easy, but God showed me over the last 545 days or more how to trust that He knows what He's doing in my life...a very difficult lesson for me to have learned, but I finally feel like I have. I have no idea what lies ahead in these next few weeks as I head back home, but I have *FAITH* that God has it all planned out and under His control. This leaves my mind and myself a lot more available to helping others around me and to enjoy the time left with all my new friends. I actually will miss this experience for all it was worth to my growth and development. God Bless! See you soon!!!

Social Boundaries

I have gone on several dates here recently that have left me thinking about the dynamics of meeting people in general. It has all left me wondering...Have I been made calloused and cynical or is this the "social norm"? Now, I am not be the worlds most "normal" person. But who wants that title? I most certainly don't like fitting into any particular mold too well. "Normal," to me, implies that I'm satisfied with the mundane, the status quo, and mediocrity.
Although I normally run from normality, I still expect certain normalities to be apparent in people I just met. Maybe this is just something that I have invented, but being it that these days hardly any idea formed is really of the original nature, I highly doubt it. But I believe that there do exist certain widely accepted "social boundaries" for dating, as well as for friendships.
I have found here recently that too many people over-step those boundaries with little, or no regard for their actions; myself included in this group.
So what are these boundaries, you might ask; so as to avoid the public and private humiliation that is accompanied by making such moves?
For starters, in the dating world...there are certain things that one can do in order to not come off as being "desperate." These are very simple, yet so often disregarded. On a recent date, the girl (I'll call her "Amber" to protect her identity) came off as too aggressive. Amber seemed to be coming on to me too strong and WAY too soon. PEOPLE!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! The first date is typically a time to act DISINTERESTED. It is an interview, a try-out, it's the point where you mark your tablet and compare your date to your standards. This is a time that you test out how much "chat chemistry" you have with them, how much physical attraction you have, but NOT when you decided if you want a relationship with them!!! A RELATIONSHIP (at least of the healthy kind, anyway) is something that DEVELOPES...it's not something that can be forced. With time, and a good deal of energy, you earn and give trust and learn to accept the other person's pro's with their con's, and how they interact with your own. You set new standards and new boundaries as time goes on; as your relating with this other person begins to change you into a better and more mature person. Change (of the maturing kind) is a good tail sign that your relating to that other person is worth your time.
But back to the first few dates...and avoiding coming off as desperate. Don't push your date into a "conversation corner". If they are uncomfortable in talking about a certain topic, be curtious and avoid it...change the subject. Remember that when someone doesn't want to talk about something, it's usually something you don't have a right to know yet anyway. Remember...you have to EARN trust...and that takes time. Next, you should avoid laying down hints that they are certain to "score" with you that same night. No one wants to date a tramp long-term...not even a tramp. But hey...if all you're looking for is one to a few good nights of sex...that's all you'll get out of being too physically aggressive the first few dates. Oh...and if you get lucky this way...remember that means the other person is desperate! Then there are the endearing remarks that you should avoid giving to or calling the other person by....like "sugar", "baby", "honey", "pookie", "sweetie"...well, sweetie isn't so awful, "honey-bunny", etc...after just a few dates. Don't give a person too much too soon, or they will run with it...and I mean run away LITERALLY. If you feel like you hit it off well with someone right off the bat...it's best to call them "turd" or "dork"...poke some fun about something they did that was cute but somewhat embarrassing if you're going to call them anything.
Alrighty, and before you head off to date people...make sure you have your standards straight...so you won't compromise them. Also, GET A LIFE! Yes, develop into the person you want to be, and make your life into YOUR life! Another big turn-off is when you know the person you're dating is trying to just mold into whatever you're looking for that they are not, or they automatically start integrating their whole life to revolve around yours. So, if you set standards for the person you want to be with...work on being that person yourself. In the end, not only will you end up with the kind of person on your list, but you will also be that kind of person on their list. Wouldn't you want to actually satisfy someone else's list?
Oh, and don't make a comprehensive list...no one is perfect, and if you're looking for perfection...you're just going to be headed for a long line of disappointment.

With all that said...
Here's My list of standards (not a comprehensive list):
1. Has faith on a deeper level that they won't compromise for ME and is very compassionate and charismatic
2. Likes me as I am, but encourages me or inspires me in some way into a better person than I already am, and I do the same for them
3. Has good conversational skills...someone who can express their thoughts and feelings to me freely and likes to talk about a variety of topics and can keep up with my gabbing...but starts off slow and doesn't open up too much too soon.
4. Is self-confident but not arrogant or ignorant about it, and can accept criticism and compliments as well as deliver them with sincerity and compassion. Someone with whom I can make it through a disagreement, argument, misunderstanding, and/or fight and our connection become stronger from it instead of fall apart.
5. Has a good sense of humor...wide-range sense of humor...sometimes dry, sometimes slap-stick, sometimes cynical, sometimes dirty...not afraid to tell me my joke sucks and laugh about that...or to laugh about their joke sucking
6. Likes to have fun, but also knows when to be serious
7. Independent, self-made, hard-working, but also hard-loving (not hard to love, but loves hard) 8. Doesn't have to get drunk, get high, or get laid just to have a good time
9. Knows how to be and is a good friend...to their friends, and to me
10. Has goals and works to achieve them...even if they change their mind on what their goals actually are
11. Isn't perfect and doesn't believe that they are either
12. Puts at least some effort into how they look to look good for themselves as well as for me, but is not so concerned about what others think
13. Is highly attractive to me (usually personality plays largely on how I see a person), and is highly attracted to me (who I AM, not just how I look)


**and some extras that I'd like but not everyone can fit all of the above and still have all of the following:
X) Likes a wide range of music and arts, likes to dance
Y) and has some rhythm (this is a huge turn-on for me)
Z) Likes sports, being active, and trying new things (I really want to find someone that likes to explore the not-so-boring side of life with me, and even try some challenging things that neither of us has ever done before)

-Co-brainstormed by Marian

Sex-change???

I've gone on a couple more dates this week...in the midst of packing and moving...not the best time to go on dates, but hey! I'm out for an adventure.
And adventure I have...well....endured.
I went out with this girl the other night, we'll call her "sex-change Bobbie". She had a boyish name and the most awkward physique I've ever seen on a woman. Actually, I was almost certain that SHE was going to be a HE when we talked on the phone. Her voice was just not convincingly feminine enough for me.<<
I don't know what I was looking for when I went out with Bobbie. She clearly wasn't my type; neither her personality nor her physical traits matched what I'm normally attracted to. However, I think that I made some pretty weird assumptions during our time out.
I went and picked "Bobbie" up from her place around 7:30 the other night. I ended up taking her to this coffee shop right next to the dollar movie theatre. There's this drink there that I just know I'm not going to be able to have ever again, so while I'm in the early stages of my newly diagnosed diabetes, I thought I'd go take advantage of being ignorant to the disease right now. We arrived there around 8pm and left about 9pm. That was the single shortest date I've ever had. Normally, either myself, or the other person would strain to make the date last long enough to have real solid reasons not to call the other person and schedule a second date. But this time, I got tired. I couldn't get myself to talk to myself for any longer than an hour. Afterall...I had been talking to myself all day packing. And Laura had called me earlier and we always talk too long; as most best friends do...
Anyway, in the short time that I spent at Java with "Bobbie", I made a pretty wild assumption...I REALLY think Bobbie was once a guy...yes...thus the name "sex-change Bobbie." Her voice fluctuated way too high and low at strange times. She was abnormally tall for a woman...6', although plump. Her boobs seemed a little off. I couldn't pin-point it...not that I was staring at her chest the whole night (I'm really not shallow like that).
The truth about my outing with "Bobbie", though, is that I couldn't find a way to connect to her...not a single one! I spent the whole hour talking up a storm...trying to make up for the many awkward pauses in conversation. "Bobbie" just sat there.
So, what would a man, who had a sex-change to be a woman want to do with a woman? Would that make him straight? Or a lesbian? Or was she just trying badly to meet someone to be friends with?
Am I strange to think that she was a man? I wish I had taken a picture. These are the types of situations you get yourself in and can never prove, and always wonder about afterwards.

In and out of the Closet

So I spent all day organizing my tiny little shit closet. What I REALLY felt like doing instead was rippping it out of the framing of the house! Well, I guess I just have to deal with it for now. Afterall...it IS free!
So anyways...I got a little obsessive over organizing it, and ended up at Walmart buying all matching hangers. Then I managed to organize everything by type and color. This was an all day fiasco. Wheeew. I'm almost done. I just have to wait out the storm that just hit and then I can go back to Walmart for some more hangers! Yay! I love organizing!<<

I-O-U

I just spent over and hour and a half ranting and raving on the phone with my friend Marian. Oh, dear! I now methinks I either owe Marian an hour and a half of listening to her rant and rave or I owe her and hour and a half of wages for listening to mine. That could actually add up...if I really think about it. Concider the average cost of therapy: $75 p/h. Ouch...Marian...will you just accept an I-O-U??? ;)

Left

I know I have
A reason to breathe
Besides just when
You're standing
Beside me
But to catch that breath
And my second wind
I must run accross the flames
I must burn from within
My torch is my drive
My will to succeed
And as far as I know
That is all I need
Though the toxins of lust
Run course through my veins
This feeling inside
Is torched by my flames
The lust that we shared
Wasn't just in vain
And the feelings we shared
Are now nothing but shame

It's true that I left you
I left you behind
I left you naked
And bare
Erased from my mind
Never called either way
I'm sorry I did this
I'm such a jerk
I admitt
But I couldn't pull through
I just don't feel it

Romance to me

All the same places
All the same faces
Going through the motions
Of everyday life
Stoich and numb
Thoughts a distraction
I'm a person of action
Taking all the ropes
By my very hands
Walking the fine lines
Walking the tight ropes
No net underneath
To walk with me
Is walking alone
If you make it through
Then you've made it on your own
And then I can handle
Letting you in
My only requirement
Is that you be open
And free
Be yourself
Don't worry
About what I think
I'll like you for who you are
If you're being true
Just don't play games
Don't try to romance me
Be real and be frank
Romance to me
Is not being fake
The roses, they wither
They dry and they fade
But based on a friendship
We can make it all the way

A memo

Dear cocksuckers:
I’m so fucking sick and tired of this right now, I could vomit. I can handle email from people who are ignorant. I can handle email from people who are smug. But email from people who are both at the same time crawls right up my ass. So just fucking cut it out.
Yes, the Vice President of the United States — whom you will fucking refer to with the tiny sliver of respect basic human civility demands, you barn-raised buffoons — used to work for a company called Halliburton. Yes, when he left Halliburton he took what’s called “deferred compensation.” That means he gets checks in the mail from Halliburton every year.
But he is not on the Halliburton payroll. He is not an employee of Halliburton. He does not own any interest in Halliburton. He does not profit if Halliburton profits, and he does not stand to lose if Halliburton does poorly. In fact, his entire compensation package is ensured. If Halliburton goes tits-up tomorrow, the Vice President will get every cent he’s due and not one penny more.
If you want to be a superior son of a bitch, fine. Knock yourself out. But take the three fucking seconds necessary to learn even the most basic facts about what you’re talking about first. And if you want to be an ignorant motherfucker, nobody’s going to stop you. It is, to your never-ending amazement, still a free country. But at least have the basic humility to recognize that you don’t know shit, that you got all your information about the world from the Daily Kos, that you wouldn’t recognize a share of Halliburton common stock if I shoved it up your pucker, and that you’re easily the most worthless human being to ever walk the face of the Earth, you goat-smelling son of a whore.

Sincerely,
My boot up your ass!

Abnormal

Damn. Life's a bitch! So, I have officially been diagnosed with diabetes mellitus type II. Not surprising, although I'm still in denial. 3 months ago, the doctor only classified it as pre-diabetes, but now, 3 months later, it is certain that I have Type II Diabetes. Well, I guess that explains why I've felt like crap for the last 8 to 10 years of my life! And it's well developed too...according to my doctor, I have the equivalent health of someone who has just had a heart attack.>>>Total shock here! My cholestoral, 129, is normal for NORMAL people. However, it is really high for someone with type II.
So what the hell...? I'm also scheduled to talk to a therapist about all my sex crap. I recently have felt really permiscuous and unable to open up to a committed relationship. So, not wanting to deal with the emotional crap (or lack thereof), I am seeking counseling.

Patterns

So, I must have fallen for Jenny a little bit. She keeps comming up in my dreams, and I keep wondering what's so difficult about calling her up. Hmm...I see a pattern. I'm going to have to break this one!