Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness...and Lost? Chances

Current mood: calm

I believe love is a commitment we make despite our other inclinations. Until recently I never even imagined I could possibly, in the absence of threats to life and limb, want to make such a commitment anytime soon. I've mentioned before that I thought it would happen when and if I "FELL in love"… but most assuredly, I have to get there first! I don't know if I really believe in love at first sight, but maybe I do believe that there is a supernatural connection that is experienced that draws two people together; and I believe in intuition and sensing that the two of you have a connection beyond sensible explanation. I believe that the first time that your eyes lock is a definitive moment. If you look closely, in most individuals you will encounter a "wall". It is a rare occurrence that the first time you look into someone's eyes you are able to look all the way to a soul, and in a sense, feel as if you are sure you WILL know this individual.

Love, to me, however, can mostly be summed up in the following synopsis: One day after you've known each other for a while and gone through the first level of growth and developmental changes required of a new relationship, and successfully made it through to the next stage despite the challenges, or pauses, simply because you want to - by virtue of your desire to make it through; you realize your life has been changed, your dreams, and you because of the presence of that individual. Your life would be left with a huge void if they should part from it...and you're overwhelmed with this huge catharsis and perhaps an anxiety that you've never experienced before when you realize you cannot live without them; because your life is not just yours alone anymore. I haven't gotten to this next level, but I believe that's what happens.

I believe that perhaps it all begins with the feeling of a rope around your heart squeezing tightly. You fight it at first because you've never been this vulnerable and lacked this much power over a situation. Then, you realize it's not you that holds the other end of that rope; you seem to have transferred title of it. It's as if something or someone else took over you, but you let them do so fully and willingly. You are no longer who you once were, but definitely better. You cannot go back to being the same person because you have found yourself becoming the person you were meant to be. Something about that individual being present, or sometimes even removing themselves from your life is making you move, motivating you to change your old behaviors, inspiring you to become and live out your true potential. They hold the key, and your job now becomes to find the right doors to open.

I can't say how the rest goes…I've never experienced the rest. Maybe I just haven't been the right partner, maybe I just haven't worked hard enough to make it through the first level, maybe it just wasn't the right time, or maybe time for just a short while seemed rushed and I was afraid…? I've listened to my gut and known from the beginning that the people I've been with in the past haven't been the ones with whom I've wanted to make it to the other side…But I know I can...I know I desire nothing more. That's why I believe there's something to be said for waiting. -Sometimes people come into your life for a specific reason, and when that purpose has been accomplished, they leave. But what about the one's that don't leave...or the ones that come back??? It's good to spend some time at trying to discover why someone is in your life and what lesson(s) they bring/take with them.

Never before in the history of me have I been so present in my actions, my words and my thoughts. Despite the whirlwind in my mind, I've managed to keep my wits about me after "falling" into the abyss of what happens when you move before you're ready to, or before you're sure you want to. What is just is and can only bloom (or not) if you let nature take its course. Sure, one has to feed and water a thing to make it grow…but doesn't nature take care of that too? Sometimes a thing is not meant to grow and nature sees fit to let it die. At the same time, time has shown us that pruning a vine can lengthen its life and increase it's fruitfulness. I think this is true also about paying attention to when things and people and places need some extra care and attention to thrive lest desperation and rash decisions lead us all down a path of destruction.

Couple more

Thursday, March 22, 2007 Finding my Niche People talk about being successful or not being successful, but the concept of success is very ambiguous. There is no need to pursue other people's ideas of success. ~ Ichiro Suzuki Ichiro's statement is a perfect summation of both my silence and my struggle- what makes me successful, and am I? Have I really determined what that means to me, particularly with work? Sometime back, I descended into a downward spiral of worrying. Professional worrying, as in: "I hate my job." "I don't hate it, so much." "I hate this company. GRRRR." "It's pretty good here." "%$#@! I hate this company!" "I'm a loser whiner punk-ass bitch who doesn't know how good she's got it." I'm not really able to discuss in detail all the events that led to me somewhat rectifying the spiral, but they amount to a few key events: -Me feeling like an ass -Losing a key relationship in my life -Being told by my friends to take a breath and DEAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LIKE AN ADULT -Totally screwing up an opportunity to interview for a really cool job in another part of the country Internalize, internalize, internalize. I've been so internalized I might as well have been deaf and mute for real, because that's about how I felt. Communication and clear decision-making have not been my forte during this period. I will have to take a mental health day or something, with bossly permission, and ponder my stress. In the meantime, I have found a path through to a state of semi-sanity. With an even keel restored, I'm finally feeling like I might blog again. Lucky you. I think. I hope. I haven't resolved the questions that led me to my loathing the daily grind, such as "What do I really want to be when I grow up?" "Am I living an authentic life, or is my line of work just perpetuating a materialistic and empty way of being?" And similar thoughts. So we'll see. On the specific and much more narrow subject of writting, I lost my Muse in the stress. I tried to escape from all the pressure and stress I've been under by cuddling up with -------. I guess I was a bit smothering in the process. I smothered my Muse away. Never thought this could happen to me. I have ALWAYS been the one that feels smothered first! WTF? Who is this woman that I've been lately??? And where did my cool, keen, collected self go????!!!! It feels like this entire semester of school, and most of this year has been "playing catch up" with my obligations. I don't think it's hard to realize why. Let me spell it out: A-R-M-Y! I have had one Army obligation after another this year. And with the added responsibility of being a SGT now, I am only loosing more and more sleep as I "reach maturity". What can I do? Stick it out at my job for a while, make good money and then take an extended vacation for a couple semesters until I catch up from having gone part time twice now. Quit now and live on my investments? Sell everything, move to Tahiti? J/k. Actually, it wasn't until this week that I think I'm finally getting the hang at work. I can see myself doing very well where I'm at. I know I can hit numbers. I just have to have more time to focus on work and less on the outside world while I'm there! 11:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Relating I look around and see my friends, family and co-workers dealing with the ups and downs, the headaches but most of all the heartaches. All of this for the one thing that we search for, the one thing we want and the first thing we so easily dispose of when life isn't perfect…A relationship. Relationships have become like every other piece of electronic equipment today, they aren't built like they used to and they quickly become disposable or outdated. No one works on what's broken anymore because it's far too easy to just throw the whole thing away and get something new. Maybe it's because relationships today aren't really built on true love or trust—the basic foundations required to have a good healthy relationship. What I find to be all too common is that one party is more interested in the relationship than the other. The under-interested member agrees to a relationship for selfish reasons; to keep someone where another wants or needs them until something else comes along. People start and end relationships too quickly. Why? I believe fear motivates people. Women are led by their emotions, they become easily vulnerable allowing themselves at their weakest point to believe or not care why another person wants to be with them. People want so badly to believe they are worthy of another's love so whether they believe the person or not (or whether the feeling is mutual or not), they often decide to stick around hoping for it to show up. Both parties see something in the other person that they themselves do not have but want to possess. Regardless of whether it is for physical, emotional or mental reasons it comes down to just one thing, selfishness; doing whatever benefits them with little regard for the other. It is this fear that drives them to use whatever means necessary to keep the person. Sometimes waiting is too high a risk. If you are a good person, you stick around longer to spare feelings (but which plays into their game), or at least pause long enough to convince yourself that this could be real and actually work. So you spend your days hoping and waiting for those feelings to develop, either in yourself or the other person. Through your own desire to feel needed or wanted you eventually talk yourself into staying around. At first you are showered with affection and attention, life is perfect but as the days go by you realize something just doesn't feel right and you don't know why. Finally you find out what made you feel that way, because somehow you could sense the warning signs, even though everything was going so well. You convinced yourself into believing or wanting to believe something that wasn't real. Today people have become like cabbage patch dolls when they first came out. In the beginning people fought for them, doing or saying whatever it took to get them. Grabbing ahold of them tightly so no one would take them away because for now its something they just had to have and others wanted. Having gone to great lengths to acquire it, they take it home, play with it for a short while, grow bored with it and realize that maybe they didnt want it after all. Then with little thought, push it aside as they bring home the next new gadget to play with, and the cycle continues. Which now brings me to trust. Why can't we just be honest with each other? I am not saying I'm perfect and that I have never omitted or lied about something. At some point in your life you realize what it will take to make a relationship work. What you want, what you need and what you will or will not put up with. Most of all you learn love and relationships are built on trust and hard work and that it takes two people wanting the same thing to make it work. To love is to trust and to trust is to love and often neither comes easy. This is even harder if one or both of you have had your trust broken in the past. No one is perfect, everyone has baggage and no one likes drama. The reality is we are all human, we make mistakes, and we all have baggage. The answer is to admit, accept and learn from our mistakes. Continuing to make the same mistakes will keep you on that merry-go-round of failed relationships. Learn that compromise works better than getting your way, or ending a good and trusting relationship for such a miniscule thing. Learn to pack your baggage away for good and learn to be patient, supportive and help the other as they pack theirs. The final thing is know that it's never too late to learn new things, especially from one another. A good relationship should be based on friendship; one that you can talk about and share anything. I speak from experience and my mistakes…and believe me I have had plenty of both! I've had relationships come and go like the seasons, up and down and on again off again. So much that after awhile I've gotten used to the ups and downs and it's become familiar. Just when it can't get worse...the spinning stops and the madness ends. You meet someone else and find yourself in another relationship. This one is not like the others, no fighting, no issues totally unfamiliar territory. You stand there in bewilderment. You don't know if what you had was normal or what you have is abnormal. So you just go with the flow keeping your wits about you. But just when you begin letting your guard down, it happens and once again, it ends. Now this only makes matters worse because your views about relationships become even more bitterly clouded. You think, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. You stand there scratching your head trying to figure it out and all you can do is reflect on the new lesson you just learned and all those from the past. You rebuild that hard protective wall around you, but perhaps a little slower this time. Still, you are just waiting for the next storm to come. You learn that people will tell you anything to get inside your head and heart. You learn that you don't have to ask questions to know what a person is thinking or feeling. God created a window into the soul of person through their eyes. For the truth, for passion, for a glimpse of who and what a person is all about…look into their eyes, behind those crystal balls lie all the answers. If they can't look you in the eyes, they usually have something to hide, something they do not want you or anyone else to see.—Could be a lie, guilt, shame, or even the truth. Could be that they themselves don't feel their own worth and that who they are on the inside isn't good enough for them or anyone else. Some relationships start out good but because of various reasons they fail. Whether it's because of laziness and the failure to work on issues. The worst thing to see is the passion in a relationship burn out like a candle. You meet, fall for each other and every time you look into your lovers eyes you see the feeling is mutual. As you stare deep into those eyes you see them filled with this brilliant light, the kind that pierces your soul to the core and makes you weak at the knees. Then one day you look deep into those same eyes hoping to find that same spark you once saw only to stare into a blocked door... and this is when you realize that what you had has been discarded. The challenge in keeping a relationship together is for both parties to learn how to keep and maintain that light inside burning for each other. If trust really exists in the relationship, some things are worth fighting for and you should do whatever it takes to keep it. Well let me get off my soapbox, I've rambled long enough. I will admit just typing this has helped me. Every now and then I just need a new jolt to realize that life's too short to spend wasting needless energy dwelling on the past. Although, I do try to move forward taking as much as I can from the lessons of the past. I can rest in peace every night after relationships are over because I can honestly say that the old saying is true...what goes around does eventually come back around and Karma is the biggest, baddest bitch you will ever meet. So if one day I wake up to find myself in the middle of the same games…I won't allow the wool to be pulled over my eyes so easily. I will make an extra effort to keep ahead of the reindeer games and be smarter. ;) 8:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 Special Places for a Special Someone Current mood: curious I set out last night to write about my secret place. Something about that gave me such anxiety. Over the course of the evening, I thought about why that was so. It's strange to me how something so seemingly simple turned all sorts of complexities in my head and caused me such torment. This year, thus far, I have been learning the most about my heart, my passions, and my direction in life. Most of the growth I've experienced, I could largely credit to me finally comming to terms and acceptance of my past. No...I do not have "a past" or "a record". That is not at all what I mean. After much thought, this morning I awoke with this realization... All my life, I have built up these stories, or these ideas of what my "one true romance" would be like. I have even refused (todate) to go to certain places, with people that I have dated in the past (because when I was young I promised myself I would save them for that "special person"). Some of these places I have never been to. I've wanted to save my first experience to be shared with that person. Others, I have been to many times, but I have never shared the symbolism behind them. Still others, I have been to many times and have many memories I long to share with that one person. Perhaps last night, as I lay down to sleep, I thought for a moment that saving places for someone I was not with yet was silly. I thought that I had built these places up too much. However, this morning I am awakened to a new enlightenment. It has never been about these places, but about the person. I guess I just never felt like it was "right" with anyone through this point in my life. These "places" and ideas that I have saved for the right person, are more symbolic than an actual feeling of them being diffinitive. I'm sure I could go with anyone to these places, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they are the person I will spend the rest of my life with. But, the way people go through significant others, especially in this day and time...one absolutely has to save something for when they have found that one right person to share their lives with. Some parts of self, afterall, are still very sacred...especially of the spiritual nature. As for me, I have always associated my spiritual life with symbols from the places I have visited, and the places I have lived. So, I guess I still don't find it so silly that I have special places saved. 7:04 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Three in One

A New Day in Spring Current mood: artistic Spring comes when the earth, coaxed by lengthening days and warmer temperatures, begins to awaken from her winter slumber. She stretches open to receive the rain that gives drink to flower buds and seedlings. She takes a deep breath, and on her exhale the leaves on trees unfurl like tiny flags. Rebirth and repopulation fill the void of winter with flurry and fury as what appeared to be gone forever comes into being once again. Even though it happens this way every year, I stand in awe, as I too am reborn. This is when I fall in love, again, speak without thinking, say yes to things I would normally refuse. It becomes more difficult to say no when the whole world around me appears to be an astounding affirmation of the resilience, richness, and plain, perfect beauty of life. I find myself feeling several years younger and lighter without changing a thing. I feel the urge to cleanse my body with a new pattern of eating, exercise, and freshness. I clear my closet of old clothes or cut my hair to express a new facet of who I am, and who I might become. Springtime inspires me to believe that, along with the earth, we too might change, release the past, and give birth to new ideas, new relationships, and new perspectives. 6:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Compromise Current mood: restless DON'T YOU WISH THAT IN GRADE SCHOOL, YOU HAD BEEN SPOON-FED SOME MORE REALISTIC QUOTES; THAT WOULD HAVE PREPARED YOU FOR ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENT IN LIFE!? LOL oh...and my favorite: Don't worry...I'm not going crazy, and I'm not bitter. I am just sarcastic. It's good to be able to just laugh at life's disappoinments sometimes. 4:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

When things just fall into place and your reflect and smile :) Current mood: chipper This blog was initially written as a response to someone else's blog. It has been altered to fit my current thoughts and feelings on the same subject matter. Life is about growth, which is wonderful, though not always easy. Indeed, many of life's lessons can be painful or difficult. Yet, such challenges are often the ones that present the most opportunity for personal growth. Initiations for growth come in many forms...the best form being people that come into your life. It's taken me a long time to be able to view each person in my life as a challenge and as an opportunity to learn and grow, though. Those disruptions in life have never been easy, but I have always looked back and found them as having been necessary. The challenges have seemed unbearable at times: like a job I didn't want to spend another day at, a broken heart that felt as if it would never heal, a long and painful illness...I've experienced many more than just those. But then, there were the challenges that were just as scary because of being called to step up to the plate in ways that I thought I was not yet ready for: like overcoming my fears in order to realize a lifelong dream, leaving behind a situation or people in my life that I have outgrown, moving across the world and fighting in a war I did not agree with, or compromising my ways for a partner. At such times as these, it felt as if the world was testing me and that life was asking more of me than I thought I could give. I felt uncomfortable, frightened, and unsure of what to do. Letting go of old safety measures, shifting old patterns of behavior, and stepping into the abyss of the unknown have been the toughest things I have had to face. Yet always when I have risen to the occasion, I have ended up better off for having made that journey. I inevitably became more compassionate to the challenges of others and wiser in the ways of the world. My faith in my family, my close friends, loved ones, and in God has grown over the last few years because, ultimately, I haven't been able to help but realize how much I have been supported and taken care of at all times! I can't always tell what I need to learn, and I can't always tell why a certain person is in my life. But it has been guaranteed that there is always SOMETHING that I need to learn. There's a lesson there that I haven't grasped, and life is giving me every opportunity to get it right. The next relationship I will be in will be different from the ones I've had in the past.—What I mean by that is I seem to be wanting something better than I've had…something for the long-haul. Given the expectations of what I'm wanting, of course I am not going to be satisfied with anything less! I don't always know what it is that makes me "tick". I don't always know what gives me that feeling of excitement, awe, amazement and curiosity in a person. But I do know that I could have sat down and written the exact same words above on any given day within the last several months. I feel the exact same way still. I have fallen for the same kind of people, and had the same kind of people fall for me (I returned no feelings towards, or there was something off about the reciprocity).—Most of them have have all had a lot to offer, and many I'm sure would have done everything in the world to "make me happy," but I would have never allowed for that. In my case, I have had many things that I have had to prove to myself that I am capable of. I have always been highly goal-oriented, and very independent.—So, naturally I have wanted to conquer all my dreams. My first thought is that I have fallen for these types that have not reciprocated because deep down I knew that things were never going to go anywhere…therefore I would never have to alter my dreams or ambitions for them…I would never have to compromise myself! I have been picky too. I realize now that although it's good to be picky, at the same time, one should consider the options they have, and the people in their life. And think hard about what is more important...that they embody the exact idea one has in their head of a "love-story" or that together they can share a happy and fulfilled life? I say this and go back to my statement before about not having to compromise myself... The absense of compromises is the death of all relationships. At the same time, the presense of compromises is the growth of all relationships. Other relationships have taken precedence in my life BEFORE a romantic relationship has been able to be my priority. --That being my family…and there has always been enough to be worked on there to keep me plenty occupied. I have always felt like your family relationships need to be healthy and welcoming enough to successfully accept a new non-blood related member. When you marry someone, you not only marry them, but their family as well. In the past, I never felt like my family life was warm enough to welcome a life-partner into…and I know that's one of the biggest reasons why none of my relationships have ever reached their true potential.—Although most of the people I have been with have embodied many of the qualities that I still look for in a life-long relationship. The fuel to the growth of my relationship with my parents was not some magical story...it was a long-term committment I made to sacrifice and make compromises. I forgave, what they never asked forgiveness for...and in turn, they made changes. Nothing would have ever gotten better, though, without one party making the decision to sacrifice and compromise. We are all the same people; just better at compromising. About the "feeling ready"…I have come to conclude that NO…you can never truly be "ready" for that right person. If you were "ready," then you wouldn't need anyone. People come into your life to make you grow into a better person! I still have many lessons to learn, and many things to change about myself. This ig going to be a continuing and life-long process. Although so many things still need to be changed, I know what I am NOT lacking is potential, passion, and desire to do so. I think those things count for most growth in life. Without the desire to do so, one can never experience actual life-altering growth. So, am I "looking" for that "right" person? No. Am I open for the "right" person…absolutely! And am I the person I want to be? Yes. I am. Yet, there's always room for change and growth! 8:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sunday, March 25, 2007 Moving Breaking up may be the sensible route to go for a number of reasons, but nevertheless unless completely amicable and acceptable to both parties, a breakup represents the ending of a romance and the failure of a partnership, and is bound to have an emotional impact on one or both partners. Regardless of the circumstances of the breakup or the conditions that led up to it, the clear basis for any breakup is the idea that the breakup is a loss. This is why a person going through a breakup experiences many of the same stages and feelings of someone dealing with a death of a close one. A breakup IS a "death". It's the "death" of a romance. Here are the Four Stages of Change of a Breakup Stage 1: "Shock and Disbelief" begins as soon as the idea of a separation is introduced and sinks in. It involves four major tasks and issues to be worked through. Facing reality Self esteem and inadequacy Telling others Seaking support Stage 2: "Initial Adjustment" involves the ability of people to actively adapt to this new phase of their lives. The primary goal of this stage is adaptation and mustering the personal resources needed to manage the many emotional and practical changes faced by people during this phase and tasks include: Functioning and responsibility Practical reality Focusing on self Managing emotions Stage 3: "Active Re-organization" centers around how people live their lives and cope with the tasks of being suddenly single. Major tasks to be dealt with and worked through include: Managing life style and practical affairs Re-defining relationships Reconstructing personal values and beliefs Restructuring routines Stage 4: "Life Re-formation" represents the final steps. During this stage people deal with the emotional issues and life choices involved as they move on with their lives. Constructing relationships New interests Personal responsibility Accepting your new life 1:23 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

True Self

Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of "self." The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light-pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.

At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others' approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.

Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.

Priorities and Decisions

I'm finding it difficult right now to set my priorities in order. My life is a Catch 22...I am in the Army (and have no way out for the next 3+ years). I also am in school, and have about 2+ years left on a 5 year degree. I also work full-time. I have bills to pay, obligations to meet, and dreams to achieve. I can't back out of any of these things except for school. So, what do I do? Do I slow it down? Take 3+ years instead to finish? Man, this makes me feel like such a failure. But am I really? I mean, I have afforded all my expenses, and school without aquiring any real debt. Is that a real achievement? Should I feel proud of this matter or should I attempt to finish college like the rest of the American public and take out student loans? This is tough for me. I was raised on the principle that you do not use money that you do not have to make purchases. I had no understanding of this until I ruined my credit at an early age, and spent the last 7 years recovering from that. Now my credit is decent, and I have also been able to aquire wealth. I worked so hard to get here. Should I really risk everything for a piece of paper that says I'm capable of what I set my mind to? Have I not already proven that? Who is this paper really for? For myself? For my parents? For society? For whatever reason, it IS important to ME. I think, though, I may have a different perspective than before on it. The degree doesn't define me. I don't have to get it to prove anything to anyone. I just want it so that I can say, "I had a dream, and I achieved it!" But I've had many dreams already that I have achieved. Should then I focus on the RIGHT NOW more than the THEN?
Reason for this pondering is the conversation I had with my stepmom this afternoon. I got approved for a hefty mortgage, and also for a luxury apartment. As of right now, I live with my parents and have done so comfortably until about the last half a year. I feel cramped. I need space to have more organization, and to spread my wings and fly. I have so many hobbies and interests that I find myself unable to do due to space constraints. I would like to have my own place to have an art studio so that I can paint more. I want to be able to write in peace without the TV on next door to my bedroom and me having no say in its volume. I want to come home and be able to cook gourmet meals like I once did for 4 years before leaving for 2 years. I want to be able to decorate more than a 10' by 10' room. I want my own furniture again. I want my own little yard (or patio/balcony) to sit in. I want to be able to walk around naked and barefoot whenever I feel like it. I want to have complete access to my own fridge in the middle of the night when I have a craving. I want to have room to use my weights more frequently. I want to be able to have company over, and entertain rather than have to go out to mingle with friends. I want to have conversations in the complete privacy of my OWN 4 walls. I want to have a mess for a day and not hear about it from anyone. I want to have a clean place because I have enough room to properly organize all my clothes and belongings. I want to be able to do a load of laundry without having to add someone else's clothes to mine, to then have to separate it again when the load is finished. I want to be able to have my own pet, if and when I choose to have one. I want to be able to invite my significant other over to relax with me. I want to have my own television (eventhough I will hardly ever watch it), I just want to have the control of the remote control.
My stepmom said that she is concerned I will not finish college soon enough, and that her concern about that stems from her wanting me to "begin my life". I thought about this all afternoon and evening. Am I not alive??? I feel like I need my autonomy. I have a good life, and I don't believe that the begining is when I finish college. I believe I'm already living it. If anything, I am going to be "starting over" again when I move into my own place.
Now for the tough part...Rent or Own???

A response

KRISTIN'S BLOG: 23 February 2007 17:43hrs, Friday

The other day a wise friend (my Yoda) told me that they heard a song that reminded them of "you and your many women" (song posted at the bottom)...so I gave it a lil look/listen and here is what I am thinking......

Why is it that when I find someone that I am totally into and that I can really see something progressing with...they are unattainable, unavailable, complicated, not ready, etc....

But then I will go out and meet all of these other girls that I just don't feel 'it' with. Some of these girls would be perfect for me....I know they would do everything in their power to sweep me off of my feet and give me the world. Why then is what they offer not as appealing to me? I find little things to pick apart, small reasons not to like them.

Could it be my heart protecting its self by only 'falling' for people it can't happen with, am I for some reason still 'not ready' to meet that one person? Or is there more than one 'right person'?

But who is to say when you are ready? Are you ever really ready? If you feel ready for something, (I have decided) that you are probably the furthest thing from ready. Being 'ready' in some ways means you aren't close to ready. Otherwise, why would everyone say it's when you stop being 'ready' or looking that you meet that special person?

Or could this all be because I am too picky about who I 'crush' over? Is there a such thing as being too picky? I mean really, I think that just means that you know what you want. …right?

What is really funny to me is that a lot of people have told me recently that I am hard to capture for a date or that I am hard to reel in. ….Then, there are the select few times where I really have liked someone and felt something...then from them I have heard that I am 'too intense'.... really? Seriously? What is this?

Cumulatively, I think everyone has crazy mixed up views on what love is and how it should go. On what dating really means how soul mate searching should end. We are all looking for that perfect story with that perfect person. Sometimes I wonder if the people who find happiness really just alter their standards and compromise themselves to find EITHER the perfect person OR the perfect story/life with someone. I mean does ANY couple EVER really have it all? Is that perfect vision of happiness even feasible anymore?

I guess the only way to find out is to alter and subordinate my standards on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. This however is not something I am willing to do anytime soon. I would rather continue staring naively into the future and searching for that person that encompasses all of the things I look for while also captivating my heart with every movement. Call me crazy, but I am not willing to give up hope that somewhere out there someone is thinking these same things and waiting to find me. I will continue to have faith in love. Perhaps this is why I enjoy teaching... I watch the children with their obscured vision of what life holds in store for them and their false sense of realism... and sometimes, if only for a moment, I can see the world through the blind eyes of a child... where you really can do an be anything you set your mind to. Where dreams come true and all you have to do is want something badly enough. Once you grow up you realize, that while this is partly true, there are also a lot of obstacles and trials one must face throughout the journey before one ever catches a glimpse of the destination they have set out upon.

So, I am deeply sorry if anyone has ever felt this way…. Because there have been a few times in my life where I have felt this too…

"Leave The Pieces"

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

[Chorus]

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go

My RESPONSE:

Life is about growth, which is wonderful, though not always easy. Indeed, many of life's lessons can be painful or difficult. Yet, such challenges are often the ones that present the most opportunity for personal growth. Initiations for growth come in many forms...the best form being people that come into your life. It's taken me a long time to be able to view each challenge in life as an opportunity to learn and grow, though. While these disruptions in life have never been easy, I later look back and always find them as having been necessary. The challenges have seemed unbearable at times: a job I don't want to spend another day at, a broken heart that feels as if it will never heal, a long and painful illness...I've experienced many more than just those. But then, there are the challenges that can be just as scary because of being called to step up to the plate in ways that I thought I was not yet ready for: overcoming my fears in order to realize a lifelong dream, leaving behind a situation or people in my life that I have outgrown, moving across the world, or compromising my ways for a partner.
At such times as these, it probably feels as if the world is testing you and that life is asking more of you than you think you can give. You might feel uncomfortable, frightened, and unsure of what to do. Letting go of old safety measures, shifting old patterns of behavior, and stepping into the abyss of the unknown are the toughest things I have had to face. But when I have risen to the occasion in the past, I ended up better off for having made that journey. I inevitably became more compassionate to the challenges of others and wiser in the ways of the world. My faith in my family, my close friends, loved ones, and in God has grown over the last few years because, ultimately, I can't help but realize how much I have been supported and taken care of at all times!

I can’t tell you what you need to learn, and I can’t tell you why “so and so” is in your life, but I can guarantee that there is SOMETHING that you need to learn. There’s a lesson there that you haven’t grasped, and life is giving you every opportunity to get it right. The next relationship you will be in will be different from the ones you’ve had in the past.—I know you’re thinking, “DUH!” What I mean by that is you seem to be looking for something better than you’ve had…something for the long-haul. Given the expectations of what you’re looking for, of course you are not going to be satisfied with anything less!

I don’t know what it is that makes you “tick”. I don’t know what gives you that feeling of excitement, awe, amazement and curiosity in a person. But I do know about myself. I know that I could have sat down and written the exact same words you just wrote above on any given day within the last 3 months. I feel the exact same way. I too have fallen for the same kind of girls, and had girls fall for me that I returned no feelings towards as well.—They too had a lot to offer, and I’m sure would have done everything in the world to “make me happy,” but I would have never allowed for that. In my case, there have been many things that I had yet to prove to myself I was capable of. I am highly goal-oriented, and very independent.—So, naturally I want to conquer all my dreams. My first thought is that I have fallen for types that have not reciprocated because deep down I knew that things were never going to go anywhere…therefore I would never have to alter my dreams or ambitions for them…I would never have to compromise myself!

About being "picky"...It's good to be picky. At the same time, you should consider the options you have, and the people in your life. Think hard about what is more important...that they embody the exact idea you have in your head of a "love-story" or that together you can share a happy and fulfilled life together? I say this and go back to my statement before about not having to compromise myself...

The absense of compromises is the death of all relationships. At the same time, the presense of compromises is the growth of all relationships.

Other relationships have taken precedence in my life BEFORE a romantic relationship could be my priority; my family…and there has always been enough to be worked on there to keep me plenty occupied. I have always felt like your family relationships need to be healthy and welcoming enough to successfully accept a new non-blood related member. When you marry someone, you not only marry them, but their family as well. In the past, I never felt like my family life was warm enough to welcome a life-partner into…and I know that’s why none of my relationships ever reached their true potential.—Although most of them embodied many qualities that I still look for in a life-long relationship. The fuel to the growth of my relationship with my parents was not some magical story...it was a long-term committment I made to sacrifice and make compromises. I forgave, what they never asked forgiveness for...and in turn, they made changes and compromises. Nothing would have ever gotten better, though, without one party making the decision to sacrifice and compromise. We are all the same people; just better at compromising.

About the “feeling ready”…I have come to conclude that NO…you can never truly be “ready” for that right person. If you were “ready,” then you wouldn’t need anyone. People come into your life to make you grow into a better person! I have many lessons to learn, and many things to change. But what I am NOT lacking is potential, passion, and desire. I think those things count for most all growth in my life. So, am I “looking” for that “right” person? No. Am I open for the “right” person…absolutely!

Hope this made sense. :)

Written in The Lesbian Lifestyle

Goodbye

I am now saying goodbye to all those times I laid my head on your shoulder, those times you held me protectively in your arms, to the first times with you, those times I got lost in your kisses, your touch, your hands, your mouth, those times I felt one with you, to see you smile, to feel you beside me as I wrap you in my arms to protect you from all your fears and worries, to hear you speak, to hear your stories, your trials, your sorrows, your triumphs, to all the breathtakingly wonderful things you have done for me, to all the things I have done for you, to be touched, to be needed, to be loved, to understand and be understood, to accept and be accepted, to the time I believed all the things you said, to hold on to the promises you once told me you would always keep, to being vulnerable, to surrendering, to trusting wholeheartedly, to the time I gave my heart and soul in your care, to be conquered willingly, to the time when my world revolved around you, to the nights I never gave in, to the times when I was blind to see that many have changed, the nights you left me alone, the time you betrayed me, when you threw away all that we had, all that I am, all that I could give, the time you made my world crumble, crushed my soul, shattered all that I held dear, trampled on my dreams, the time you unceasingly became so unreasonably honest not minding much how I truly felt, to all the blows I had to take, to all the strikes I had to endure, to all the anguish I had to keep, to all the smiles I had to put on, to the slow death that was happening in me, to all the tears, the anger, the hatred, the shadows, the walls, to playing, to uncertainties, to fears, to hope and to wish.

All these I shall now leave at the door.
Here is to closure, here is to the end.
Goodbye.

by Dr. Christy Capen, and revised by me

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS... EVEN IF YOU ONLY HAVE TIME TO READ IT ONE PARAGRAPH AT A TIME. I HAVE ADDED MY OWN COMMENTARY IN BOLD CAPS BELOW. YOU SHOULD FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AS WELL. I HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEONE!

-CHRISTY

In our Judeo-Christian society, the documents collectively known as the Bible serve as the primary guide on most issues. It is interesting that many Christians take literally the references to homosexual acts, while interpreting other text with great flexibility. One person reported listening to a nationally-known woman speak in her campaign against homosexuality. She spent quite a bit of time quoting impressively from Leviticus. The listener accepted much of what the speaker said until he realized that, by Levitical standards, the crusader herself had broken many biblical laws she spoke in church (1 Corinthians 14:34), she taught men (1 Timothy 2:12), she was wearing a dress made of cotton and polyester (Deuteronomy 22:11), and others of which he was probably unaware.

What does the Bible really say about homosexuality? Actually, very little. Most significantly, Jesus said nothing at all. Considering the relatively small amount of attention the Bible pays to the subject, we must ask ourselves why this is such a volatile issue. Other subjects about which the scriptures say a great deal (e.g. judgment, pride, hypocrisy) receive much less passionate attention. Before looking at specific passages, it is important to note that everyone understands the scriptures based on, and through, the light of what they have been taught. The Bible was not written in a cultural void, and many of its instructions and laws are simply classified as less relevant today (e.g. prohibition against eating pork).

Nowhere does the Bible actually address the idea of persons being lesbian or gay. The statements are, without exception, directed to certain homosexual acts. Early writers had no understanding of homosexuality as a psychosexual orientation. That truth is a relatively recent discovery. The biblical authors were referring to homosexual acts performed by persons they assumed were heterosexuals.

The Sodom Story
A chief text used to condemn homosexuality is the Sodom story (Genesis 19:1-29), often interpreted as showing God's abhorrence of homosexuality. In the story, two angels, in the form of men, are sent to the home of Lot in Sodom. While they are there, the men of the city both young and old, surrounded the house - everyone without exception and demanded that the visitors be brought out so that we might know them. (Genesis 19: 4-5) Lot begged the men to leave his guests alone and take his daughters instead. The men of the city became angry and stormed the door. As a result, they were all struck blind by the angels.

There are several problems with the traditional interpretation of this passage. Whether or not the intent of the men of Sodom was sexual, the inhospitality and injustice coming from the mob, and that generally characterized the community, were the sin of Sodom. (Ezekial 16:49-50, Isaiah 13:19, Jeremiah 49:18; 50:40) Jesus himself refers to the inhospitality of Sodom. (Luke 10:10-13) If the men were indeed homosexuals, then why would Lot offer them his daughters? What is threatened here is rape. The significant point, then, is that all rape is considered horrible by God. The story deserves another reading.

It should be noted that not all of the men of Sodom could have been homosexual or there would have been no need to destroy them. If they had all been homosexuals, they would have all died off leaving no heirs. Quite likely, they were a mixed group of evil men attempting to be abusive to people who were different. Ironically, lesbian and gay people are often the victim of that same sin.
Although the traditional interpretation of the Sodom story fails as an argument against homosexuality, there are several other Old Testament passages that do condemn homosexual acts. Again, it should be noted that these passages do not deal with same-sex orientation nor is there any reference to genital love between lesbian or gay persons.

THE SIN OF SODOM: HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS FOR WHICH THE BIBLE CONDEMS THE SODOMITES. PRIDE, EXCESS OF FOOD, BEING PROSPEROUS BUT REFUSING TO AIDE THE NEEDY, EXPOSING THEIR PRIVATE PARTS TO OTHERS, HATING FOREIGNERS, ASSAULTING THEIR NEIGHBORS WIFE, RAPING AND PILAGING THEIR NEIGHBORS LAND AND HOUSE. And MOST IMPORTANTLY THEY WERE IMPIOUS TO THE DIVINITY! WHEN ONE TALKS ABOUT THE SIN OF SODOM THIS IS WHAT IS MEANT. HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT MENTIONED HERE. RAPE IS THE ONLY SEXUAL ACT THAT CAN BE INTERPRETETED FROM THIS PASSAGE, AND AS STATED BY THE ABOVE AUTHOR IS WRONG WHETHER IT BE BETWEEN PEOPLE OF THE SAME GENDER OR NOT! THE NATURAL LOVE BETWEEN 2 BEINGS OF THE SAME GENDER IS NOT WHAT IS CONDEMED IN THIS PASSAGE.

Homosexual Acts
Of thousands of Old Testament passages, only two make explicit reference to homosexual acts: Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:13. Both of these passages are a part of the Levitical holiness code, which is not kept by any Christian group. If it was enforced, almost every Christian would be excommunicated or executed. It has been logically argued that science and progress have made many of the Levitical laws irrelevant. For example, fundamentalist author Tim LaHaye states that, although Levitical laws prohibit intercourse during menstruation, medical authorities do not view it as harmful, and, therefore, it should not be viewed as sinful. He further explains, Those laws were given 3,500 years ago before showers and baths were convenient, before tampons, disinfectants and other improved means of sanitation had been invented. (The Act of Marriage, p.275) With that, LaHaye makes this law irrelevant and rightly so. Ironically, though, in his book, The Unhappy Gay, the Levitical laws are one of the chief cornerstones of his arguments. Much of the holiness code is now irrelevant for us as moral law. Thus, having children, which was of exceptional importance to the early Hebrews, is now made less relevant by overpopulation, just as the prohibition against eating pork and shellfish has been made irrelevant by refrigeration.

THIS PASSAGE IS AN EXCELLENT DEMONSTRATION ABOUT HOW MANY OF THE LAWS OF THE BIBLE ARE BASED HEAVILY ON CULTURE AND NECCESSITY. (IM NOT SAYING THERE IS NO MORAL OR ETHICAL VALUE IN THE BIBLE JUST THAT MANY OF THE SPECIFIC LAWS CLEARLY SERVED A PURPOSE BOUND TO THAT ERA/CULTURE.) DURING THIS TIME PERIOD CIVILIZATION WAS PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH SURVIVAL. UNLIKE THE PROBLEMS WE FACE TODAY, THEY FACED AN UNDERPOPULATION PROBLEM. THEREFORE, IT WAS OF UTMOST OF IMPORTANCE FOR THE FAMILY TO CONTINUE THEIR LEGACY BY MARRYING OFF THEIR YOUNG BOYS AND GIRLS AS EARLY AS THEY COULD. THIS ALLOWED THEM TO MAXIMIZE THE FERTILITY OF A COUPLE AND BEGIN REPRODUCING SHORTLY AFTER THE FEMALE BEGAN MENSES (AROUND AGE 12-13) UP UNTIL SHORTLY BEFORE SHE REACHED MENOPAUSE (AGES 35- 40. KEEP IN MIND THAT ALTHOUGH THE BIBLE STATES SOME PEOPLE WERE NEARLY 400 YRS OLD. THEIR LIFE SPAN WAS ABOUT HALF OF WHAT OUR IS NOW. TODAY'S WOMEN ENTER MENSES AROUND 50.) RELIGIOUS AND CULTURAL BELIEFS WERE CONSTRUCTED ON A BASIS OF THE CONTINUITY ON THEIR CIVILIZATION WHICH MEANT THEY HAD TO REPRODUCE. IN ADDITION, ANY KIND OF SEXUAL ACT (ORAL/FOREPLAY) WAS WRONG. SEXUAL ACTIVITY WAS ONLY TO REPRODUCE THIS IS WHY BIRTH CONTROL IS SO CONTROVESIAL FOR MANY CHRISTIANS, EVEN TODAY! HAVING INTERCOURSE WHILE ONE IS MENSTRUATING CLEARY THEN WOULD NOT RESULT IN OFFSPRING.

The Bible never addresses the issue of homosexual love, yet it does have several beautiful examples of same-sex love. David's love for Jonathan was said to exceed his love for women. (2 Samuel 1:26) Ruth's relationship with Naomi is an example of a deep, bonding love, and Ruths words of covenant to Naomi are often used in heterosexual wedding ceremonies. (Ruth 1:16-17) The Bible clearly values love between persons of the same sex.

Jesus' Attitude
In the New Testament there is no record of Jesus saying anything about homosexuality. This ought to strike us as very odd in light of the great threat to Christianity, family life and the American way that some would have us believe homosexuality is. Jesus saw injustice and religious hypocrisy as a far greater threat to the Realm of God.


Paul's References
Paul's statement in Romans 1:18-32 has been taken as the strongest New Testament rejection of homosexuality. He is concerned about the influence of the pagan culture on the Roman Christians. After giving a detailed description of a world that exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator, he continues, Therefore, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lusts for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men and received in themselves the due penalty of their perversion.

A complete reading of these passages, in their original context, clearly shows that what Paul was actually referring to was homosexual temple prostitution, which was performed by various cults (though far more cults used heterosexual prostitution). Again, Paul is not referring to same-sex love, and he clearly has no concept of persons for whom this lifestyle is natural.

Paul's other reference to homosexual acts in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 is similar to 1 Timothy 1:8-11. These two passages contain lists of persons to be excluded from the Realm of God. The interpretation of these passages depends on two Greek words that have always presented a problem for translators. In the King James Version, they are translated effeminate and abusers of themselves with mankind. In the Revised Standard Version, they were combined and rendered as homosexuals, however, these are not the Greek words for homosexual, so these translations reflects the scholars' bias. The New International Version illustrates the difference in these two words by translating them male prostitute and homosexual offenders. The Jerusalem Bible uses the terms catamites and sodomites. Catamites were youth kept especially for sexual purpose, who were usually paid large sums of money. Neither passage refers to persons of same-sex orientation but to people who used their sexuality for personal gain.

The Love of Christ
Jesus did a great deal to change many social customs and ideas. He elevated the position of women, and, ultimately, they were his best and most faithful disciples. He did this by example and by commandments that were absolutely inclusive of the rights of all people. Yet, in the name of the Christ whose love encompassed all, the Church has been the most homophobic of all institutions. This should not be surprising when we realize that the Church is still the largest institution which is primarily racially segregated.

The final, and central, message of the New Testament is that ALL persons are loved by God so much that God's Son was sent as a means of redemption from a disease by which we are all afflicted. The cure for this disease cannot be found in any set of actions. Neither homosexuality nor heterosexuality is redemptive. God's love through Christ was given to all people.

Truth, be it told

I never realized I had a problem. I thought I had faced my demons over 2 years ago, and that I had over-come my past. I thought that I had moved forward and progressed. I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. I did the work, I put in the time and effort, and I was smooth-sailing ahead. I THOUGHT all of this was true.
The truth is...Well, the truth is that the TRUTH fucking hurts! I didn't realize I was so scarred from my past. I didn't realize that my lack of relating to people in my life, my feeling of disconnection and my memory lapses all stemmed from what I endured growing up.
One of the people I'm dating now came over to my house last night for the first time. We are both very independent and enjoy our personal space. I'm enjoying every moment of getting to know the people I'm seeing, but I'm also finding it incredibly nerve-wracking. For the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I am finding myself truly and totally vulnerable. I have never been more excited or more horrified in my entire life. I have had many dates. I have had many sudo-relationships--the kind that you label as one out of pure convenience, but the both of you are truly never fully committed; so no real deep-down core feelings are experienced or broken.--Mutual INFATUATIONS is what I like to call them; some have been brief, some have lasted years at a time. Regardless of their length, the common factor between all of them is that no real connection was ever truly made.
For most of my adolescent, and adult life, I have not understood why this has been the case. Perhaps, I did not understand at all, until last night. The odd part about it all, was the missing piece of the puzzle to resolving this life-long dilema was my DOG!--Yes, my dog Bailey. She has been in my family now for going on 10 years. We got her as a grown puppy, but still under 1 year. This dog, has seen me through learning to drive, first boyfriends, to coming back from going to war. She is about a medium-sized dog; half lab, part hound mix. She has a great personality, although at times one can find it quite annoying. For the most part, though, she's a sweetheart and a soul-full creature. She's great. And the greatest part about her is that she is a guard-dog...true to the core. She's broken our front door window many times while scaring off potential intruders. This, I believe is the main reason why our house has remained unintruded upon in the 20 years we've lived in it. I know for a fact, that given the circumstances, this dog would lay down her life for me. She is a TRUE woman's best friend!
With all that said, I had forgotten what all this dog had seen through me growing up. I had forgotten that she witnessed all the abuses...every last one of them since she's been with our family. I forgot that she had on several occassions, forgon her meal for the day, and been put out of the house for having bitten or snapped at the abusers. I had forgotten...and that was my self-defense. From one day to the next, I would just forget the day before in order to move ahead and not loose my sanity or my drive to not be brought down. I had forgotten about all this, but perhaps it stuck with me more than I cared for it to. It spilled over into my relationships, or lack-there-of. I have not ever been able to trust another human entirely enough to have a meaningful relationship...and I've been saving my heart for what I believed to be just "the one" right person. The truth is...I have not had my heart to give...until perhaps this year.
We were leaving my house when she started kissing me in my entry way. Bailey starred intently and looked like she was getting ready to snap at my date. I realized then that she had never seen a person kiss me inside my house the entire time she's lived with us. Anytime she has seen someone come that close to me, has been times when they were hurting me. It was her natural instinct to want to protect me. We stopped, and I starred straight into Bailey's eyes...for the first time, I saw her little soul...and I could see the pain that she had absorbed throughout these many years. She had gone through pain too. And she openned my heart and mind to the reality of my lack of connection...Abuse...by those that are supposed to bring you up and care for you. How can one possibly know how to trust, if one cannot trust those that brought them up? The answer is FORGIVE and FORGET. I had forgotten...and so I THOUGHT, I had forgiven. Today, I finally let go of that crutch...because I realized that although my parents abused me, they also loved me very much. People are human, and they make mistakes. They can only make amends and ask for forgiveness. But it is entirely up to the person on the receiving end how the mistakes made against them will affect their life and for how long. Today, I say it's enough. I'm letting it go. I'm ready to experience true love, and I am strong enough to deal with the possible pain that may come with it.

What Will Be Will Be, and Whatever Happens, Happens

I’ve always said, I don’t believe monogamy is natural; I believe it is a commitment we make despite our natural inclination, because of one reason or another. Until recently I never even imagined what could possibly make me, in the absence of threats to life and limb, want to make such a commitment. I’ve mentioned before that I thought it would happen when and if I fell in love… maybe, but most assuredly, I have to get there first. I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight, but maybe I believe you can have an intuition about someone when you meet - which can only be confirmed in the following synopsis: One day after you’ve been together for a while and gone through the first level of growth and developmental changes required of a new relationship, and successfully made it through to the next stage despite the challenges, simply because you want to - by virtue of your desire to be together. Maybe I haven’t had the right partner, maybe I haven’t been the right partner, maybe I haven’t worked hard enough to make it through the first level, maybe it wasn’t the right time… maybe…just, maybe I’ve listened to my gut and known from the beginning that the people I’ve been with in the past haven’t been the ones with whom I’ve wanted to make it to the other side…I look at my best friends' moms and dads and all they’ve been through in 20+ years, and I know it exists. There’s something to be said for waiting because sometimes people come in your life for a specific reason, and when that purpose has been accomplished the relationship is over. It’s good to spend some time at trying to discover why someone is in your life. Never before in the history of me have I been so present in my actions, words and thoughts. Despite the worldwind in my mind, I’ve managed to keep my wits about me and stroll slowly toward the L word rather than fall blindly into the abyss that is what happens when you move too quickly. I rather like taking my time and looking at what is and what isn’t rather than getting lost in what could be and missing something I need to see.What is just is and can only bloom (or not) if you let nature take its course. Sure you have to feed and water a thing to make it grow but doesn’t nature take care of that too? Sometimes a thing is not meant to grow and nature sees fit to let it die; maybe because it has served its purpose or maybe because it was not meant to be in the first place. It’s been a few days since I’ve spoken to my newest "friend," and while I have to admit I do miss seeing her- I am glad I haven’t. 1). it feeds the excitement 2) it gives us a chance to talk more without being distracted by physical things. and 3) it has allowed me to identify what I now know to have been a pattern. In previous new interests, it has always been difficult to tear myself away from the incredible high that comes with the first few days/weeks of newness. Have you ever noticed how sometimes when you are in a room with a specific group of people and having a great conversation and just feeling really good energy, someone leaves or someone new comes in and the energy totally changes and though you try, you can’t seem to get it back to how it was? Before I’ve been kinda reluctant to take a day or two off because because I’ve been afraid of a shift of feelings in myself or the other person. I’m now finding how necessary it is, to hanging on to perspective, and getting to know a person better. Without having your hands all over each other.
Perhaps in previous dating, myself and the other parties were all too eager for something to be there that wasn't. This is why now, I am okay with letting something truly develop out of it before I jump into it. What happens, happens. And I'm not going to try to make it happen, either. I believe when I've found the right person, things will just fall into place at their own time. I just have to have the patience to wait for it, and be more consciously aware of its presence when it has presented itself.