Truth, be it told

I never realized I had a problem. I thought I had faced my demons over 2 years ago, and that I had over-come my past. I thought that I had moved forward and progressed. I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. I did the work, I put in the time and effort, and I was smooth-sailing ahead. I THOUGHT all of this was true.
The truth is...Well, the truth is that the TRUTH fucking hurts! I didn't realize I was so scarred from my past. I didn't realize that my lack of relating to people in my life, my feeling of disconnection and my memory lapses all stemmed from what I endured growing up.
One of the people I'm dating now came over to my house last night for the first time. We are both very independent and enjoy our personal space. I'm enjoying every moment of getting to know the people I'm seeing, but I'm also finding it incredibly nerve-wracking. For the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I am finding myself truly and totally vulnerable. I have never been more excited or more horrified in my entire life. I have had many dates. I have had many sudo-relationships--the kind that you label as one out of pure convenience, but the both of you are truly never fully committed; so no real deep-down core feelings are experienced or broken.--Mutual INFATUATIONS is what I like to call them; some have been brief, some have lasted years at a time. Regardless of their length, the common factor between all of them is that no real connection was ever truly made.
For most of my adolescent, and adult life, I have not understood why this has been the case. Perhaps, I did not understand at all, until last night. The odd part about it all, was the missing piece of the puzzle to resolving this life-long dilema was my DOG!--Yes, my dog Bailey. She has been in my family now for going on 10 years. We got her as a grown puppy, but still under 1 year. This dog, has seen me through learning to drive, first boyfriends, to coming back from going to war. She is about a medium-sized dog; half lab, part hound mix. She has a great personality, although at times one can find it quite annoying. For the most part, though, she's a sweetheart and a soul-full creature. She's great. And the greatest part about her is that she is a guard-dog...true to the core. She's broken our front door window many times while scaring off potential intruders. This, I believe is the main reason why our house has remained unintruded upon in the 20 years we've lived in it. I know for a fact, that given the circumstances, this dog would lay down her life for me. She is a TRUE woman's best friend!
With all that said, I had forgotten what all this dog had seen through me growing up. I had forgotten that she witnessed all the abuses...every last one of them since she's been with our family. I forgot that she had on several occassions, forgon her meal for the day, and been put out of the house for having bitten or snapped at the abusers. I had forgotten...and that was my self-defense. From one day to the next, I would just forget the day before in order to move ahead and not loose my sanity or my drive to not be brought down. I had forgotten about all this, but perhaps it stuck with me more than I cared for it to. It spilled over into my relationships, or lack-there-of. I have not ever been able to trust another human entirely enough to have a meaningful relationship...and I've been saving my heart for what I believed to be just "the one" right person. The truth is...I have not had my heart to give...until perhaps this year.
We were leaving my house when she started kissing me in my entry way. Bailey starred intently and looked like she was getting ready to snap at my date. I realized then that she had never seen a person kiss me inside my house the entire time she's lived with us. Anytime she has seen someone come that close to me, has been times when they were hurting me. It was her natural instinct to want to protect me. We stopped, and I starred straight into Bailey's eyes...for the first time, I saw her little soul...and I could see the pain that she had absorbed throughout these many years. She had gone through pain too. And she openned my heart and mind to the reality of my lack of connection...Abuse...by those that are supposed to bring you up and care for you. How can one possibly know how to trust, if one cannot trust those that brought them up? The answer is FORGIVE and FORGET. I had forgotten...and so I THOUGHT, I had forgiven. Today, I finally let go of that crutch...because I realized that although my parents abused me, they also loved me very much. People are human, and they make mistakes. They can only make amends and ask for forgiveness. But it is entirely up to the person on the receiving end how the mistakes made against them will affect their life and for how long. Today, I say it's enough. I'm letting it go. I'm ready to experience true love, and I am strong enough to deal with the possible pain that may come with it.