Another day, another dollar....

Well...another dollar SPENT! Hey, well, I hope I get that job at Washington Mutual. I turned down a job the other day for Marketing Coordinator at my friend's firm making $37K a year because I would have had to drop a class. I VOWED that I would never drop another class for a job again...so here I am sticking to my guns!

Which brings me to...

WHY the sudden urge to go back to work, to get a condo...etc.??? Well, for one thing...this has been the longest period of my life since I started working that I have NOT worked and that I have NOT lived on my own. I guess I haven't been feeling like my life is MY life! I'm thinking this makes PERFECT sense.
At the same time...I know what I want...and that is I want to be independent, and right now, although I'm not dependent financially on them, I AM living with my parents. This does NOT make me FEEL independent. Urrrk... I'm feeling unsettled! I also FEEL grown up...yep, I thought I would never feel this way, but I can tell that I do!
It's not that I'm snobby, or judgemental (*although I have caught myself being somewhat a little of both lately), but I just KNOW what I want. I KNOW where I want my life to go...but I'm not sitting here planning EVERY step out. I AM, however, making the necessary steps to get myself there...
And this brings me to why I am NOT connecting with so many new people I'm meeting...esp. other lesbians. It seems to me that the majority of lesbians seem to allow their girlfriends to drag them down...their lives become wrapped around each other and their goals go by the wayside...they literally do "move in" within the first few dates...NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR (*thus why I know for SURE that I am no longer interested in someone). I think you have to have some security and stability of your own.
Knowing that I expect that from my girlfriend, I am working on this within myself. I want to make sure I am independent and stable and secure. I don't FEEL like any of these because of my OUTSIDE environment (*ie. living at my parents crazy house of *drama*...with Stephanie saying every week that she's moving back and then she never does...my parents' stupid arguments which they always resolve, but someone I get caught in the middle of everytime... and somehow me having ONE couch in their house is causing all their problems????). Haha.
Then there's my incredible competitive drive. I don't have to feel like I am BETTER than anyone, but if I'm with someone, I at least like to feel like I'm not a leech or that I am contributing equally...which means I also don't like to be leeched on, though I like to make someone feel *special and I like it when they make me feel *special.
Okay...this all makes me sound like I'm focusing TOO much on the monetary aspects of life and relationships...
Not at all. I just think that I'm frustrated with it all because of someone's recent leeching and my recent aberation from my normal "level-minded", " cool and collected", "I'm not going to let myself get dragged down by anyone else" self. I'm angry that I let myself be such a *lesbian* (ie. let emotions get their way with my me).

Enough with Lesbian **Drama** Already!

I just had the most fun job interview I have ever had tonight! It was at Washington Mutual on Lovers and Inwood...funny because that's where I have been looking at getting a condo.
Anyway, after the interview, I was headed back home when a girl that I had met earlier this month called and asked if I wanted to meet up at Sue's. While still feeling so good about the interview, I agreed. I thought I could have a Pelligrino to celebrate (ha ha...I TRULY was a good girl tonight). Anywho...
I get there and it's obvious this girl has already thrown a few back (and I don't mean Pelligrino's...mind you)...let's back-track a little bit and let me explain who this girl is...
A girl I met about a month ago at Sue Ellen's...she's from Australia, is a really nice girl, but I had NO chemistry with or attraction to her. She asked me the night we met what I thought about her...I thought it was odd to have someone ask that...I pretty much rely on vibes and expressions to pick up if someone likes me or not...and if they do, they normally make it clearly known (she made it more than clearly known)...and I too make it clearly known by how flirty I am with them...and if I REALLY like them...I make it known by how *nervous* I act around them...*cough*cough*cough*.
However, I drew no line...I gave her no signal. I was never flirty with her, though I was polite. I was my normal self; and I didn't throw any mixed signals out there. I told her I thought she was nice and that maybe we could get to know one another as friends, but that I don't think we have a love connection, if that's what she meant by her question.---I know, it seems really harsh, but I like to take a more direct approach when it comes to these things...or at least, I've been trying to. I have learned a tough lesson (with still several obsessive women calling me insessantly) that unless you tell a lesbian you DO NOT like her, it seems to me that she will assume that you do; or that eventually you will; or that she stands some chance...someday!
So as I was ready to leave (mind you, I try to leave Sue's as early as I can usually). I prefer to go to S4 most of the time because I find myself feeling a lot more comfortable around the gay boys....This is probably due to the fact that everytime I waltz into Sue's, I have been hit on or touched in some compromising way by at least one woman that I have no connection with (or connection to).
I admitt, although I say I am not out at Sue's looking to meet SOMEONE, but rather, I am at Sue's looking to meet PEOPLE...I can think of no other place where if I meet someone I want to hook up with, I am 95% certain that they actually swing for my team. So, I am stuck in this paradoxical nightmare.
Anyway...Back to my night tonight...
So I told her after one Pelligrino at Sue's that I wanted to go over to RoundUp to sing...so we head over there. After I sing, she tells me that my song was "absolutely breathtakingly sexy"

ME: ..."WOOOOOHHHHH....HOLD UP!... [Urrrkkk!..Screech!...Music stops playing.......okay, well maybe it didn't stop, but it did in my head]
"I TOLD you that I'm not interested in you that way, right?"

Her: [trying to kiss me]
ME: [pulling way far back and falling off the stool]...(thank God they are tall and force me to be practically standing anyway)
Her: "What's wrong?"
ME: "You have had a few too many there...Let's go back to Sue's and I'm going to have another Pelligrino then call it a night."
Her: "Why?"
ME: [Walking away and out of RoundUp and forcing her to follow by me not responding or waiting around for her to ask anymore frustrating questions.]
My mood is killed at this point...I mean, I was in a REALLY great mood tonight. I felt like the floodgates had openned and this drab/cloud was lifted...then BAM!...She drops this BOMB on me! I go ahead and brush my shoulders off anyhow...
Now...Back to my good mood at Sue Ellen's...
Her: [having another rum&coke] "So you really just want to be friends? You don't want to get with me? What is it about me that turns you off?"
ME: [and my Pelligrino] "It's not really like that...It's more like I don't have a type...I have a list. And I'm not looking for someone to fit it perfectly, but I am really picky. It's nothing against you and who you are...you're nice. But I'm not looking for anything superficial and I find all these first meetings with people to be only about superficiality. You don't know me, and yet here you are practically throwing yourself onto me. Now, granted, it could be the alcohol giving you false signals or liquid courage that you would otherwise not have. But regardless, I did make it clear to you the first night we met that I was not interested in anymore than a friendship with you, did I not?"
Her: "Yeah, but I have always gotten that in the past and that was just cuz that person was shy. I have never had a girl I met not throwing herself at me."
ME: "I don't follow...So what you're trying to tell me is that women will say they just want to be friends when in fact that is just a ploy or tactic to get you more interested so that next time they can throw themselves on you and you can have sex?"
Her: "Well......" long pause "Yeah"
ME: [urk] [wtf!] [am I really a lesbian?] [why yes, yes I am...and NO, NO I still don't want to get with her] "Okay...ummm...that's messed up! Just take me at my word...If I say I want to be friends...I MEAN: I just want to be friends. TRUST ME, if I want to get with you, I would make it really known...I would probably say..."I am interested in you" or "I kinda like you" or hint at it in a more indirect way, but still quite obvious"

...like blog entries that explain where I'm comming from and ***hint hint***
http://autarchic.blogspot.com/2005/08/social-boundaries.html
*cough *cough
If anything, one thing I HAVE learned about myself is that...I AM a lesbian that CAN accept friendship. I have found that more valuable and rewarding than torturing myself over something that isn't meant to be.

When i say i'm looking for friends, that's really what i'm looking for. seriously...it's not code for "one night stand," "special friend" or "friend with benefits."

I have had such a hard time lately just meeting people that are interested in getting to know me as just friends. I admit, I am also looking for that “special someone” but I don’t believe in making moves too soon. I want to get to know someone well, or at least enough to know I really have an interest in who they are, not just what they look like or the kind of “vibe” or “feeling” I get when I’m around them. I think this is an important thing to me that I’m going to have to stand by.

In conclusion...I left that girl at Sue's told her to call me tomorrow when she's sober...and tipped the bartender to watch her and call her a cab if she didn't sober up before she left. I have an early doctor's appointment to wake up for...I'm finally going to get explained all that good stuff about being a diabetic and how to control it and all...YAY! I don't have to be clueless anymore! Haha. Somehow I think I may need more than just a class on being diabetic...How about a class on being a lesbian and how to manage, minimize and deal with drama...??? =o)

Houston

These are my most recent pictures. They are from a week ago when Joel and I went to visit Laura (my best friend) in Houston.

Nerves

Lately I've been nerve-wrecked for no apparent reason. It's all in my head.
A certain person comes to mind. Bad encounter after bad encounter after worse encounter after worst!
It's not a mystery to me why I feel uncomfortable...I guess I'm feeling like perhaps I was not as kind or as sensitive to her feelings and somehow I'm getting a little paranoid that this Karma is going to quickly find its way back to me...
What IS a mystery to me is howcome my normal, intellectual self doesn't over-ride it this non-sense. I am new to this paradox.
I don't know...this is all just random analyzing. I don't think I'm going anywhere with this entry other than to say that I think that I need to stop being so cynical and start being the kind and compassionate Nicole that I once knew myself to be. Fuck that I allowed myself one time to be a door-mat to someone...I can't just become this cold-hearted snake of a bitch to everyone because of ONE person!

Sue Ellen's

All the confidence that I DO possess, all the aspects of who I am that I have to offer, and all my ambitions for making something worthwhile of my life seem null there. Mindless chatter and talk about she said and she said seem to linger amid the crowd of many faces. And I'm TERRIBLE with names! Most talk I've sat in on involves names of people I haven't or just met.
Although Sue's isn't my favorite place in this town, I do find it to be the ONLY place to go that I am DEFINITE to meet other lesbians at. This is frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I think there are a LOT of nice people there, but I have a hard time following.
I am not looking to meet someone there, I'm looking to meet people. I want to make a couple of friends and acquaintances...people to call up on the weekends and meet up with when I want to be in the gayborhood.

The Twisted Life

Today's horoscope:
Joint finances and any money matter closely related to loved ones can be potentially touchy topics. This means you may need to take a firm stance toward anyone (especially family members or old friends who have a habit of hitting you up for loans) who hasn't proved to be financially responsible in the past. While you might feel momentarily guilty for not helping them out, the amount of trouble you've saved for everyone more than makes up for it.



I recently helped Jade (my special Army buddy) out financially. This was in many respects a HUGE mistake. At the same time...I'm glad I did! It has helped me see just how incredibly selfish she can be and how much I have been blind-sighted in our relations. First of all, she called me all of 3 times in the last 2 weeks. 2 of those times were to ask for my help financially (which I rendered imediately) and once to respond to my request for her help (ie. use of her truck) which she took her sweet-ass time rendering. Then when I ran into her the other night at Sue Ellen's and I said, "Hi!" to her, she responded with the universal sign for: "Talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening!" and told me she would, "Be with you in a minute!" Haha. She never said hello and never came around to talking to me at any point in the evenning. These things have been bugging me for these last couple of days.

Pussy Finds Kitty

Writing this up on a Sunday morning, after yet another night at Sue Ellen's. I'm so pleased I could puke. I'm a little tired, but in a great mood. Not only did I meet some incredible, beautiful girls this weekend, but I also found a lost cat. So yeah, I told my friend that I found her and he retorted with the following quip:"Headline: Pussy Finds Kitty."
But yeah, one of the neighbors saw the posters I put up and gave me a call...which led to the reunion of owner and pet. The chick was pretty hot, too. It never stops with me. Sheesh.

Anyway, on that note, I'm poised to whip up a fresh topic:

I thought I knew a lot about communication skills. And, in most situations, I do. But, lately, I've been all thumbs.
I guess I'm interested in getting someone better, but I don't know anyone she knows well.

Mischaracterization

I was informed by a left-leaning acquaintance a little while ago that some woman someplace got arrested today for staging a protest without a permit. I opined that I could not care less. She excoriated me for my apathy, and bemoaned the apathy she sees everywhere she looks. “Sons and daughters are dying,” quoth she, “and nobody cares.”
She committed a common error in reasoning. She looked around, saw that nobody agreed with her, and declared that she was surrounded by apathy. She was wrong, of course. We care. We just don’t agree with her “stop the war, bring the troops home, surrender to al-Qaida” position.
Middle America is not apathetic, friends. We care very much. We just happen to support the war against Islamist terrorism. We happen to be in favor of it. And if the price of winning this war is that brave men and women have to give their lives that we may live free and unafraid, that’s a price we’re willing to pay.
I’ll say it again: Yes. I am willing to sit here and let others sacrifice themselves on the altar of freedom to secure the blessings of liberty for me and my posterity. I already sacrificed a year and a half of my life to defend the liberty and prosperity of others...Yes, I can live with myself. Yes, I have a clear conscience. I am not apathetic. I am enthusiastic. Yes, yes, yes.
I tried to explain this to her. I don’t think she got it. She just got angrier and angrier until she left.
Some people are like that, I guess.
Anybody who uses the phrase “useless” to describe the war on terror. Their nonsense. Sometimes people end up so far away from reality that they can’t even agree on the basic premises of life. Up is up, y’all. Down is down. Tyranny breeds extremism. Liberty creates prosperity, and prosperity leads to security. Laws of nature, you know? If you flat-earthers don’t like it, you guys can keep getting stoned and trying to relive the sixties. Just don’t act under the false impression that anybody, anywhere, is listening to a word you’re saying. Because seriously, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things.

Untouchable

I haven't written in a while. I thought I'd catch up because tomorrow I will be doing a ton of homework and fixing my computer (and probably my car again...making it a car-fixing marathon). Ha ha.
Anyway...
Life has been hectic. Ever been in-love with the impossible? I mean...loved everything that is not possible for you or anyone else to obtain? I think that I need to stop being such an idealist and start being more of a realist.

God of Youth

She experimented with society-life, the service, music, her faith—to which she intended to devote her life—and even with the love of men in which she did not believe. She meditated on the use to which she should devote that power of youth which is granted only once in a lifetime: that force which gives a woman the power of making herself, or even—as it seemed to her—of making the world, into anything she wishes: should it be to art, to science, to love of a woman, or to practical activities? It is true that some people are devoid of this impulse, and on entering life at once place their necks under the first yoke that offers itself and honestly labour under it for the rest of their lives???But she was too strongly conscious of the presence of that all-powerful God of Youth—of that capacity to be entirely transformed into an aspiration or idea—the capacity to wish and to do—to throw oneself headlong into a bottomless abyss without knowing why or wherefore.