Couple more

Thursday, March 22, 2007 Finding my Niche People talk about being successful or not being successful, but the concept of success is very ambiguous. There is no need to pursue other people's ideas of success. ~ Ichiro Suzuki Ichiro's statement is a perfect summation of both my silence and my struggle- what makes me successful, and am I? Have I really determined what that means to me, particularly with work? Sometime back, I descended into a downward spiral of worrying. Professional worrying, as in: "I hate my job." "I don't hate it, so much." "I hate this company. GRRRR." "It's pretty good here." "%$#@! I hate this company!" "I'm a loser whiner punk-ass bitch who doesn't know how good she's got it." I'm not really able to discuss in detail all the events that led to me somewhat rectifying the spiral, but they amount to a few key events: -Me feeling like an ass -Losing a key relationship in my life -Being told by my friends to take a breath and DEAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LIKE AN ADULT -Totally screwing up an opportunity to interview for a really cool job in another part of the country Internalize, internalize, internalize. I've been so internalized I might as well have been deaf and mute for real, because that's about how I felt. Communication and clear decision-making have not been my forte during this period. I will have to take a mental health day or something, with bossly permission, and ponder my stress. In the meantime, I have found a path through to a state of semi-sanity. With an even keel restored, I'm finally feeling like I might blog again. Lucky you. I think. I hope. I haven't resolved the questions that led me to my loathing the daily grind, such as "What do I really want to be when I grow up?" "Am I living an authentic life, or is my line of work just perpetuating a materialistic and empty way of being?" And similar thoughts. So we'll see. On the specific and much more narrow subject of writting, I lost my Muse in the stress. I tried to escape from all the pressure and stress I've been under by cuddling up with -------. I guess I was a bit smothering in the process. I smothered my Muse away. Never thought this could happen to me. I have ALWAYS been the one that feels smothered first! WTF? Who is this woman that I've been lately??? And where did my cool, keen, collected self go????!!!! It feels like this entire semester of school, and most of this year has been "playing catch up" with my obligations. I don't think it's hard to realize why. Let me spell it out: A-R-M-Y! I have had one Army obligation after another this year. And with the added responsibility of being a SGT now, I am only loosing more and more sleep as I "reach maturity". What can I do? Stick it out at my job for a while, make good money and then take an extended vacation for a couple semesters until I catch up from having gone part time twice now. Quit now and live on my investments? Sell everything, move to Tahiti? J/k. Actually, it wasn't until this week that I think I'm finally getting the hang at work. I can see myself doing very well where I'm at. I know I can hit numbers. I just have to have more time to focus on work and less on the outside world while I'm there! 11:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Relating I look around and see my friends, family and co-workers dealing with the ups and downs, the headaches but most of all the heartaches. All of this for the one thing that we search for, the one thing we want and the first thing we so easily dispose of when life isn't perfect…A relationship. Relationships have become like every other piece of electronic equipment today, they aren't built like they used to and they quickly become disposable or outdated. No one works on what's broken anymore because it's far too easy to just throw the whole thing away and get something new. Maybe it's because relationships today aren't really built on true love or trust—the basic foundations required to have a good healthy relationship. What I find to be all too common is that one party is more interested in the relationship than the other. The under-interested member agrees to a relationship for selfish reasons; to keep someone where another wants or needs them until something else comes along. People start and end relationships too quickly. Why? I believe fear motivates people. Women are led by their emotions, they become easily vulnerable allowing themselves at their weakest point to believe or not care why another person wants to be with them. People want so badly to believe they are worthy of another's love so whether they believe the person or not (or whether the feeling is mutual or not), they often decide to stick around hoping for it to show up. Both parties see something in the other person that they themselves do not have but want to possess. Regardless of whether it is for physical, emotional or mental reasons it comes down to just one thing, selfishness; doing whatever benefits them with little regard for the other. It is this fear that drives them to use whatever means necessary to keep the person. Sometimes waiting is too high a risk. If you are a good person, you stick around longer to spare feelings (but which plays into their game), or at least pause long enough to convince yourself that this could be real and actually work. So you spend your days hoping and waiting for those feelings to develop, either in yourself or the other person. Through your own desire to feel needed or wanted you eventually talk yourself into staying around. At first you are showered with affection and attention, life is perfect but as the days go by you realize something just doesn't feel right and you don't know why. Finally you find out what made you feel that way, because somehow you could sense the warning signs, even though everything was going so well. You convinced yourself into believing or wanting to believe something that wasn't real. Today people have become like cabbage patch dolls when they first came out. In the beginning people fought for them, doing or saying whatever it took to get them. Grabbing ahold of them tightly so no one would take them away because for now its something they just had to have and others wanted. Having gone to great lengths to acquire it, they take it home, play with it for a short while, grow bored with it and realize that maybe they didnt want it after all. Then with little thought, push it aside as they bring home the next new gadget to play with, and the cycle continues. Which now brings me to trust. Why can't we just be honest with each other? I am not saying I'm perfect and that I have never omitted or lied about something. At some point in your life you realize what it will take to make a relationship work. What you want, what you need and what you will or will not put up with. Most of all you learn love and relationships are built on trust and hard work and that it takes two people wanting the same thing to make it work. To love is to trust and to trust is to love and often neither comes easy. This is even harder if one or both of you have had your trust broken in the past. No one is perfect, everyone has baggage and no one likes drama. The reality is we are all human, we make mistakes, and we all have baggage. The answer is to admit, accept and learn from our mistakes. Continuing to make the same mistakes will keep you on that merry-go-round of failed relationships. Learn that compromise works better than getting your way, or ending a good and trusting relationship for such a miniscule thing. Learn to pack your baggage away for good and learn to be patient, supportive and help the other as they pack theirs. The final thing is know that it's never too late to learn new things, especially from one another. A good relationship should be based on friendship; one that you can talk about and share anything. I speak from experience and my mistakes…and believe me I have had plenty of both! I've had relationships come and go like the seasons, up and down and on again off again. So much that after awhile I've gotten used to the ups and downs and it's become familiar. Just when it can't get worse...the spinning stops and the madness ends. You meet someone else and find yourself in another relationship. This one is not like the others, no fighting, no issues totally unfamiliar territory. You stand there in bewilderment. You don't know if what you had was normal or what you have is abnormal. So you just go with the flow keeping your wits about you. But just when you begin letting your guard down, it happens and once again, it ends. Now this only makes matters worse because your views about relationships become even more bitterly clouded. You think, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. You stand there scratching your head trying to figure it out and all you can do is reflect on the new lesson you just learned and all those from the past. You rebuild that hard protective wall around you, but perhaps a little slower this time. Still, you are just waiting for the next storm to come. You learn that people will tell you anything to get inside your head and heart. You learn that you don't have to ask questions to know what a person is thinking or feeling. God created a window into the soul of person through their eyes. For the truth, for passion, for a glimpse of who and what a person is all about…look into their eyes, behind those crystal balls lie all the answers. If they can't look you in the eyes, they usually have something to hide, something they do not want you or anyone else to see.—Could be a lie, guilt, shame, or even the truth. Could be that they themselves don't feel their own worth and that who they are on the inside isn't good enough for them or anyone else. Some relationships start out good but because of various reasons they fail. Whether it's because of laziness and the failure to work on issues. The worst thing to see is the passion in a relationship burn out like a candle. You meet, fall for each other and every time you look into your lovers eyes you see the feeling is mutual. As you stare deep into those eyes you see them filled with this brilliant light, the kind that pierces your soul to the core and makes you weak at the knees. Then one day you look deep into those same eyes hoping to find that same spark you once saw only to stare into a blocked door... and this is when you realize that what you had has been discarded. The challenge in keeping a relationship together is for both parties to learn how to keep and maintain that light inside burning for each other. If trust really exists in the relationship, some things are worth fighting for and you should do whatever it takes to keep it. Well let me get off my soapbox, I've rambled long enough. I will admit just typing this has helped me. Every now and then I just need a new jolt to realize that life's too short to spend wasting needless energy dwelling on the past. Although, I do try to move forward taking as much as I can from the lessons of the past. I can rest in peace every night after relationships are over because I can honestly say that the old saying is true...what goes around does eventually come back around and Karma is the biggest, baddest bitch you will ever meet. So if one day I wake up to find myself in the middle of the same games…I won't allow the wool to be pulled over my eyes so easily. I will make an extra effort to keep ahead of the reindeer games and be smarter. ;) 8:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 Special Places for a Special Someone Current mood: curious I set out last night to write about my secret place. Something about that gave me such anxiety. Over the course of the evening, I thought about why that was so. It's strange to me how something so seemingly simple turned all sorts of complexities in my head and caused me such torment. This year, thus far, I have been learning the most about my heart, my passions, and my direction in life. Most of the growth I've experienced, I could largely credit to me finally comming to terms and acceptance of my past. No...I do not have "a past" or "a record". That is not at all what I mean. After much thought, this morning I awoke with this realization... All my life, I have built up these stories, or these ideas of what my "one true romance" would be like. I have even refused (todate) to go to certain places, with people that I have dated in the past (because when I was young I promised myself I would save them for that "special person"). Some of these places I have never been to. I've wanted to save my first experience to be shared with that person. Others, I have been to many times, but I have never shared the symbolism behind them. Still others, I have been to many times and have many memories I long to share with that one person. Perhaps last night, as I lay down to sleep, I thought for a moment that saving places for someone I was not with yet was silly. I thought that I had built these places up too much. However, this morning I am awakened to a new enlightenment. It has never been about these places, but about the person. I guess I just never felt like it was "right" with anyone through this point in my life. These "places" and ideas that I have saved for the right person, are more symbolic than an actual feeling of them being diffinitive. I'm sure I could go with anyone to these places, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they are the person I will spend the rest of my life with. But, the way people go through significant others, especially in this day and time...one absolutely has to save something for when they have found that one right person to share their lives with. Some parts of self, afterall, are still very sacred...especially of the spiritual nature. As for me, I have always associated my spiritual life with symbols from the places I have visited, and the places I have lived. So, I guess I still don't find it so silly that I have special places saved. 7:04 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Three in One

A New Day in Spring Current mood: artistic Spring comes when the earth, coaxed by lengthening days and warmer temperatures, begins to awaken from her winter slumber. She stretches open to receive the rain that gives drink to flower buds and seedlings. She takes a deep breath, and on her exhale the leaves on trees unfurl like tiny flags. Rebirth and repopulation fill the void of winter with flurry and fury as what appeared to be gone forever comes into being once again. Even though it happens this way every year, I stand in awe, as I too am reborn. This is when I fall in love, again, speak without thinking, say yes to things I would normally refuse. It becomes more difficult to say no when the whole world around me appears to be an astounding affirmation of the resilience, richness, and plain, perfect beauty of life. I find myself feeling several years younger and lighter without changing a thing. I feel the urge to cleanse my body with a new pattern of eating, exercise, and freshness. I clear my closet of old clothes or cut my hair to express a new facet of who I am, and who I might become. Springtime inspires me to believe that, along with the earth, we too might change, release the past, and give birth to new ideas, new relationships, and new perspectives. 6:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Compromise Current mood: restless DON'T YOU WISH THAT IN GRADE SCHOOL, YOU HAD BEEN SPOON-FED SOME MORE REALISTIC QUOTES; THAT WOULD HAVE PREPARED YOU FOR ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENT IN LIFE!? LOL oh...and my favorite: Don't worry...I'm not going crazy, and I'm not bitter. I am just sarcastic. It's good to be able to just laugh at life's disappoinments sometimes. 4:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

When things just fall into place and your reflect and smile :) Current mood: chipper This blog was initially written as a response to someone else's blog. It has been altered to fit my current thoughts and feelings on the same subject matter. Life is about growth, which is wonderful, though not always easy. Indeed, many of life's lessons can be painful or difficult. Yet, such challenges are often the ones that present the most opportunity for personal growth. Initiations for growth come in many forms...the best form being people that come into your life. It's taken me a long time to be able to view each person in my life as a challenge and as an opportunity to learn and grow, though. Those disruptions in life have never been easy, but I have always looked back and found them as having been necessary. The challenges have seemed unbearable at times: like a job I didn't want to spend another day at, a broken heart that felt as if it would never heal, a long and painful illness...I've experienced many more than just those. But then, there were the challenges that were just as scary because of being called to step up to the plate in ways that I thought I was not yet ready for: like overcoming my fears in order to realize a lifelong dream, leaving behind a situation or people in my life that I have outgrown, moving across the world and fighting in a war I did not agree with, or compromising my ways for a partner. At such times as these, it felt as if the world was testing me and that life was asking more of me than I thought I could give. I felt uncomfortable, frightened, and unsure of what to do. Letting go of old safety measures, shifting old patterns of behavior, and stepping into the abyss of the unknown have been the toughest things I have had to face. Yet always when I have risen to the occasion, I have ended up better off for having made that journey. I inevitably became more compassionate to the challenges of others and wiser in the ways of the world. My faith in my family, my close friends, loved ones, and in God has grown over the last few years because, ultimately, I haven't been able to help but realize how much I have been supported and taken care of at all times! I can't always tell what I need to learn, and I can't always tell why a certain person is in my life. But it has been guaranteed that there is always SOMETHING that I need to learn. There's a lesson there that I haven't grasped, and life is giving me every opportunity to get it right. The next relationship I will be in will be different from the ones I've had in the past.—What I mean by that is I seem to be wanting something better than I've had…something for the long-haul. Given the expectations of what I'm wanting, of course I am not going to be satisfied with anything less! I don't always know what it is that makes me "tick". I don't always know what gives me that feeling of excitement, awe, amazement and curiosity in a person. But I do know that I could have sat down and written the exact same words above on any given day within the last several months. I feel the exact same way still. I have fallen for the same kind of people, and had the same kind of people fall for me (I returned no feelings towards, or there was something off about the reciprocity).—Most of them have have all had a lot to offer, and many I'm sure would have done everything in the world to "make me happy," but I would have never allowed for that. In my case, I have had many things that I have had to prove to myself that I am capable of. I have always been highly goal-oriented, and very independent.—So, naturally I have wanted to conquer all my dreams. My first thought is that I have fallen for these types that have not reciprocated because deep down I knew that things were never going to go anywhere…therefore I would never have to alter my dreams or ambitions for them…I would never have to compromise myself! I have been picky too. I realize now that although it's good to be picky, at the same time, one should consider the options they have, and the people in their life. And think hard about what is more important...that they embody the exact idea one has in their head of a "love-story" or that together they can share a happy and fulfilled life? I say this and go back to my statement before about not having to compromise myself... The absense of compromises is the death of all relationships. At the same time, the presense of compromises is the growth of all relationships. Other relationships have taken precedence in my life BEFORE a romantic relationship has been able to be my priority. --That being my family…and there has always been enough to be worked on there to keep me plenty occupied. I have always felt like your family relationships need to be healthy and welcoming enough to successfully accept a new non-blood related member. When you marry someone, you not only marry them, but their family as well. In the past, I never felt like my family life was warm enough to welcome a life-partner into…and I know that's one of the biggest reasons why none of my relationships have ever reached their true potential.—Although most of the people I have been with have embodied many of the qualities that I still look for in a life-long relationship. The fuel to the growth of my relationship with my parents was not some magical story...it was a long-term committment I made to sacrifice and make compromises. I forgave, what they never asked forgiveness for...and in turn, they made changes. Nothing would have ever gotten better, though, without one party making the decision to sacrifice and compromise. We are all the same people; just better at compromising. About the "feeling ready"…I have come to conclude that NO…you can never truly be "ready" for that right person. If you were "ready," then you wouldn't need anyone. People come into your life to make you grow into a better person! I still have many lessons to learn, and many things to change about myself. This ig going to be a continuing and life-long process. Although so many things still need to be changed, I know what I am NOT lacking is potential, passion, and desire to do so. I think those things count for most growth in life. Without the desire to do so, one can never experience actual life-altering growth. So, am I "looking" for that "right" person? No. Am I open for the "right" person…absolutely! And am I the person I want to be? Yes. I am. Yet, there's always room for change and growth! 8:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sunday, March 25, 2007 Moving Breaking up may be the sensible route to go for a number of reasons, but nevertheless unless completely amicable and acceptable to both parties, a breakup represents the ending of a romance and the failure of a partnership, and is bound to have an emotional impact on one or both partners. Regardless of the circumstances of the breakup or the conditions that led up to it, the clear basis for any breakup is the idea that the breakup is a loss. This is why a person going through a breakup experiences many of the same stages and feelings of someone dealing with a death of a close one. A breakup IS a "death". It's the "death" of a romance. Here are the Four Stages of Change of a Breakup Stage 1: "Shock and Disbelief" begins as soon as the idea of a separation is introduced and sinks in. It involves four major tasks and issues to be worked through. Facing reality Self esteem and inadequacy Telling others Seaking support Stage 2: "Initial Adjustment" involves the ability of people to actively adapt to this new phase of their lives. The primary goal of this stage is adaptation and mustering the personal resources needed to manage the many emotional and practical changes faced by people during this phase and tasks include: Functioning and responsibility Practical reality Focusing on self Managing emotions Stage 3: "Active Re-organization" centers around how people live their lives and cope with the tasks of being suddenly single. Major tasks to be dealt with and worked through include: Managing life style and practical affairs Re-defining relationships Reconstructing personal values and beliefs Restructuring routines Stage 4: "Life Re-formation" represents the final steps. During this stage people deal with the emotional issues and life choices involved as they move on with their lives. Constructing relationships New interests Personal responsibility Accepting your new life 1:23 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

True Self

Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of "self." The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light-pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.

At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others' approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.

Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.

Priorities and Decisions

I'm finding it difficult right now to set my priorities in order. My life is a Catch 22...I am in the Army (and have no way out for the next 3+ years). I also am in school, and have about 2+ years left on a 5 year degree. I also work full-time. I have bills to pay, obligations to meet, and dreams to achieve. I can't back out of any of these things except for school. So, what do I do? Do I slow it down? Take 3+ years instead to finish? Man, this makes me feel like such a failure. But am I really? I mean, I have afforded all my expenses, and school without aquiring any real debt. Is that a real achievement? Should I feel proud of this matter or should I attempt to finish college like the rest of the American public and take out student loans? This is tough for me. I was raised on the principle that you do not use money that you do not have to make purchases. I had no understanding of this until I ruined my credit at an early age, and spent the last 7 years recovering from that. Now my credit is decent, and I have also been able to aquire wealth. I worked so hard to get here. Should I really risk everything for a piece of paper that says I'm capable of what I set my mind to? Have I not already proven that? Who is this paper really for? For myself? For my parents? For society? For whatever reason, it IS important to ME. I think, though, I may have a different perspective than before on it. The degree doesn't define me. I don't have to get it to prove anything to anyone. I just want it so that I can say, "I had a dream, and I achieved it!" But I've had many dreams already that I have achieved. Should then I focus on the RIGHT NOW more than the THEN?
Reason for this pondering is the conversation I had with my stepmom this afternoon. I got approved for a hefty mortgage, and also for a luxury apartment. As of right now, I live with my parents and have done so comfortably until about the last half a year. I feel cramped. I need space to have more organization, and to spread my wings and fly. I have so many hobbies and interests that I find myself unable to do due to space constraints. I would like to have my own place to have an art studio so that I can paint more. I want to be able to write in peace without the TV on next door to my bedroom and me having no say in its volume. I want to come home and be able to cook gourmet meals like I once did for 4 years before leaving for 2 years. I want to be able to decorate more than a 10' by 10' room. I want my own furniture again. I want my own little yard (or patio/balcony) to sit in. I want to be able to walk around naked and barefoot whenever I feel like it. I want to have complete access to my own fridge in the middle of the night when I have a craving. I want to have room to use my weights more frequently. I want to be able to have company over, and entertain rather than have to go out to mingle with friends. I want to have conversations in the complete privacy of my OWN 4 walls. I want to have a mess for a day and not hear about it from anyone. I want to have a clean place because I have enough room to properly organize all my clothes and belongings. I want to be able to do a load of laundry without having to add someone else's clothes to mine, to then have to separate it again when the load is finished. I want to be able to have my own pet, if and when I choose to have one. I want to be able to invite my significant other over to relax with me. I want to have my own television (eventhough I will hardly ever watch it), I just want to have the control of the remote control.
My stepmom said that she is concerned I will not finish college soon enough, and that her concern about that stems from her wanting me to "begin my life". I thought about this all afternoon and evening. Am I not alive??? I feel like I need my autonomy. I have a good life, and I don't believe that the begining is when I finish college. I believe I'm already living it. If anything, I am going to be "starting over" again when I move into my own place.
Now for the tough part...Rent or Own???