Dynamics

I have yet to give this website to anyone besides my aunt Christine. I haven't really let anyone else know the full dynamics of who I am.--Perhaps a little in fear that people will judge me. Or maybe just because I don't want to be fully exposed to that level of vulnerability just yet.
I don't know which is the greater influence, but I do know that I really want to be free to be myself.
No longer do I want to feel the shame. I don't want to have to explain how it can be, that I am how I am and yet I am still a Christian. I am no different a person today than I was 2 years ago, before I let anyone know my deepest secret. The only difference is that I'm no longer living a lie. I no longer hide from the truth; although I may avoid sometimes, if possible.
I may not know who all I can trust with my secrets, with my fears, with my hopes, with my past...but I do know that I am tired of living afraid of these things. I am tired and I am being made ill not having an avenue to share these things.
The truth is, I am very frightened. I am scared that I am too inexperienced to be taken seriously.
To have to invest my time in someone new just terrifies me. It takes so much for me to grow into a comfort level with new people, and even more to want to know them closely. There have been only a handfull of people in my life that I have ever wanted to know well. I feel so numb.