Okay...So I realized in these last few days that I definitely am just looking for a person to be comfortable with; to have a good time with...but NOT A CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP!!! Ahhh! People that move too fast and expect too much too soon FREAK ME THE HELL OUT!
It's like this...I HAVE A LIFE! I don't need someone to wrap my life around...I want someone to be A PART of it, but JUST THAT.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
One Nighter
Ever run into a one-night-stand??? She came up to me and I was not prepared. Goodness, I forgot how hot she was! Fun, sweet, intelligent, and H-O-T! Why didn't I call her??? Was I holding out for something better??? Am I CRAZY! Okay, so not much conversation was exchanged, but we did rekindle something. So, I'm gonna call her this week.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Vacation on my mind
I can't wait until next month! I finally get a vacation...and I mean, a REAL vacation. I won't have school for 2 weeks, I still don't work, and I won't have to worry about Army stuff except for ONE day! This is exciting stuff to me.
I have been in a great mood these last couple of days. I don't know what hit me, but I hope it stays for a long while. I guess it's because I finally feel so free to be myself.
Anyway, back to my vacation...I'm going tubing. I've wanted to do this for the last 3 years and haven't been able to. So, this is going to be a blast! We'll be tubing down the Guadalupe River, throwing back some beers and kicking it in a cabin. Gosh, I can't wait!
I have been in a great mood these last couple of days. I don't know what hit me, but I hope it stays for a long while. I guess it's because I finally feel so free to be myself.
Anyway, back to my vacation...I'm going tubing. I've wanted to do this for the last 3 years and haven't been able to. So, this is going to be a blast! We'll be tubing down the Guadalupe River, throwing back some beers and kicking it in a cabin. Gosh, I can't wait!
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Dynamics
I have yet to give this website to anyone besides my aunt Christine. I haven't really let anyone else know the full dynamics of who I am.--Perhaps a little in fear that people will judge me. Or maybe just because I don't want to be fully exposed to that level of vulnerability just yet.
I don't know which is the greater influence, but I do know that I really want to be free to be myself.
No longer do I want to feel the shame. I don't want to have to explain how it can be, that I am how I am and yet I am still a Christian. I am no different a person today than I was 2 years ago, before I let anyone know my deepest secret. The only difference is that I'm no longer living a lie. I no longer hide from the truth; although I may avoid sometimes, if possible.
I may not know who all I can trust with my secrets, with my fears, with my hopes, with my past...but I do know that I am tired of living afraid of these things. I am tired and I am being made ill not having an avenue to share these things.
The truth is, I am very frightened. I am scared that I am too inexperienced to be taken seriously.
To have to invest my time in someone new just terrifies me. It takes so much for me to grow into a comfort level with new people, and even more to want to know them closely. There have been only a handfull of people in my life that I have ever wanted to know well. I feel so numb.
I don't know which is the greater influence, but I do know that I really want to be free to be myself.
No longer do I want to feel the shame. I don't want to have to explain how it can be, that I am how I am and yet I am still a Christian. I am no different a person today than I was 2 years ago, before I let anyone know my deepest secret. The only difference is that I'm no longer living a lie. I no longer hide from the truth; although I may avoid sometimes, if possible.
I may not know who all I can trust with my secrets, with my fears, with my hopes, with my past...but I do know that I am tired of living afraid of these things. I am tired and I am being made ill not having an avenue to share these things.
The truth is, I am very frightened. I am scared that I am too inexperienced to be taken seriously.
To have to invest my time in someone new just terrifies me. It takes so much for me to grow into a comfort level with new people, and even more to want to know them closely. There have been only a handfull of people in my life that I have ever wanted to know well. I feel so numb.
Wake Up America
Our society values competition and individuals being successful on their own, but these values differ from the gender roles established for women. Women today are ensnared by today’s idea of what ideal physical attractiveness is and by our culture’s idea of gender roles.
American culture stresses a certain mold for women’s roles in society. Women are expected by our culture to be giving, emotional, unstable, weak, and talkative about their problems. Women are seen as dependent on and inferior to men; as ignorant about cars, money-matters, and politics. They are also seen as neurotic, emotional, irrational, and weak characters needing protection. They are considered unfeminine or even bad if they are ambitious, demanding, and tough. Women are expected to follow their man and give their lives to their children. Our culture still teaches women that they need to attract a man to depend on. And although the women-are-inferior attitude is muted and concealed, the old-fashioned sex role expectations are still subtly there.
Nevertheless, our culture continues to pressure us to conform to these gender roles and do what we are "supposed to do”; the cultural, family, and friends' expectations become internalized as our own self-expectations; guilt may result if we don't follow the prescribed roles. Notice how people react to a man who decides to stay home and take care of the kids. What is often over-looked by the majority is that these group differences can be overcome by individual efforts. For example, a woman can become very strong through exercise, very proficient in advanced math through classes, a superb combat soldier and marksman though training, and so on. Just like a man can learn to be a great mom, a wonderful conversationalist, an empathic listener, and a caring cooperator rather than a strong-willed competitor.Like the "Lose Weight Now!" plans printed in each issue of Glamour, or other fashion and beauty-tip magazines, our culture is teaching our women today to buy into a fantasy of standards of physical attractiveness. Meanwhile these standards are, in reality, impossible to achieve. Look at the cover of any magazine targeted towards the female market.—You’ll find Angelina Jolie, Goldie Hahn, Faith Hill, Cindy Crawford. They all send the same message to you: “Look like me!” They have, from what you can tell, perfect skin, perfectly slim figures, and perfect hair. However, the reality is that they are not perfect, and the closest they ever get to perfection is achieved only through heavy make-up, professional hair-dressing, heavy product use, and air-brushing their photographs to show no flaws.
From my experience, after months of working out 4 hours a day, 7 days a week, and achieving a toned figure, I found that you will still find cellulite and stretch-marks on a woman’s body. But America sells this image to women of all ages that they can achieve these figures seen on the front covers of magazines, and that theirs is the image of beauty. On a recent showing of Oprah, young girls were asked which they would rather be: attractive or intelligent? An amazing percentage said attractive. What counts in this culture is how attractive you are, especially if you are a woman. What makes a woman a "great catch"? What makes women sexy?—The American culture would say: A pretty face and a great body! Women are viewed as sexual objects for men; as trophies for them to own. Women’s roles are as wives and mothers; and in order to get a husband, they must be attractive. This is why women tend to compete on the basis of their looks. The problem with this view of women is that they are valued for their looks or charm or smallness, but not for their strength or brains. Women today have career ambitions, dreams of their own financial successes too, and have a great deal more to contribute to society besides just their pretty looks.
I'm tired of trying to look like or be like the way the rest of our society thinks I should. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming. I think we as a culture need to back off a little and value people's individualism more and focus less on a certain mold.--And I'm not just saying that for women, because I know that men these days are just as pressured about physical attractiveness as women.
American culture stresses a certain mold for women’s roles in society. Women are expected by our culture to be giving, emotional, unstable, weak, and talkative about their problems. Women are seen as dependent on and inferior to men; as ignorant about cars, money-matters, and politics. They are also seen as neurotic, emotional, irrational, and weak characters needing protection. They are considered unfeminine or even bad if they are ambitious, demanding, and tough. Women are expected to follow their man and give their lives to their children. Our culture still teaches women that they need to attract a man to depend on. And although the women-are-inferior attitude is muted and concealed, the old-fashioned sex role expectations are still subtly there.
Nevertheless, our culture continues to pressure us to conform to these gender roles and do what we are "supposed to do”; the cultural, family, and friends' expectations become internalized as our own self-expectations; guilt may result if we don't follow the prescribed roles. Notice how people react to a man who decides to stay home and take care of the kids. What is often over-looked by the majority is that these group differences can be overcome by individual efforts. For example, a woman can become very strong through exercise, very proficient in advanced math through classes, a superb combat soldier and marksman though training, and so on. Just like a man can learn to be a great mom, a wonderful conversationalist, an empathic listener, and a caring cooperator rather than a strong-willed competitor.Like the "Lose Weight Now!" plans printed in each issue of Glamour, or other fashion and beauty-tip magazines, our culture is teaching our women today to buy into a fantasy of standards of physical attractiveness. Meanwhile these standards are, in reality, impossible to achieve. Look at the cover of any magazine targeted towards the female market.—You’ll find Angelina Jolie, Goldie Hahn, Faith Hill, Cindy Crawford. They all send the same message to you: “Look like me!” They have, from what you can tell, perfect skin, perfectly slim figures, and perfect hair. However, the reality is that they are not perfect, and the closest they ever get to perfection is achieved only through heavy make-up, professional hair-dressing, heavy product use, and air-brushing their photographs to show no flaws.
From my experience, after months of working out 4 hours a day, 7 days a week, and achieving a toned figure, I found that you will still find cellulite and stretch-marks on a woman’s body. But America sells this image to women of all ages that they can achieve these figures seen on the front covers of magazines, and that theirs is the image of beauty. On a recent showing of Oprah, young girls were asked which they would rather be: attractive or intelligent? An amazing percentage said attractive. What counts in this culture is how attractive you are, especially if you are a woman. What makes a woman a "great catch"? What makes women sexy?—The American culture would say: A pretty face and a great body! Women are viewed as sexual objects for men; as trophies for them to own. Women’s roles are as wives and mothers; and in order to get a husband, they must be attractive. This is why women tend to compete on the basis of their looks. The problem with this view of women is that they are valued for their looks or charm or smallness, but not for their strength or brains. Women today have career ambitions, dreams of their own financial successes too, and have a great deal more to contribute to society besides just their pretty looks.
I'm tired of trying to look like or be like the way the rest of our society thinks I should. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming. I think we as a culture need to back off a little and value people's individualism more and focus less on a certain mold.--And I'm not just saying that for women, because I know that men these days are just as pressured about physical attractiveness as women.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
New Horizons
I guess I have a hard time letting go of the past. The past is comfortable because I already know it. Well, now I must move into my future; into unfounded territory and unconquered trials.
Here I go...but I'm frightened. I am afraid of making a mistake along the way. I know that it's my mistakes that helped shape me into the woman I am today, but I'm still scared of the pain that follows after making big mistakes.
This is the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life...exposed, unguarded, and afraid. I don't know what to expect from these months to come, and I don't know where life will land me in the next few years. I focus on school as much as I can right now, but I don't want to continue to do it as I had in the past; completely numb to the world around me.
I'm just ready to try.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
The People
Our government claims to be one made for the people, by the people, but who are they referring to as being "the people"...
In a government that claims to have seperation of church and state...leaving religion to be determined by the individual...why are so many religious standards forced upon us???
In a government that claims to have seperation of church and state...leaving religion to be determined by the individual...why are so many religious standards forced upon us???
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Change
There's something to be said for last minute change. It invigorates and enlivens us, and reminds us that there's really no such thing as a sure thing. That's the exact thing that I've been faced with this last week.
I keep getting left behind. That's a common theme in my life and I have finally learned that this is my fault.--Wow...I must be a genius!
I keep getting left behind. That's a common theme in my life and I have finally learned that this is my fault.--Wow...I must be a genius!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Ride the Wave
So often lately, I have felt the need to just "ride the wave" along with everyone else. Of course, this is implying that I have fallen into the belief that everyone else knows how to ride a wave...I mean...aren't most people born with the innate ability to surf???
Well, in these last few months, I have picked up my board and learned to do a few tricks...The wave is still taking me to the same shore, but now I am having a much better time ridding it.
Well, in these last few months, I have picked up my board and learned to do a few tricks...The wave is still taking me to the same shore, but now I am having a much better time ridding it.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Moving Ahead
I decided to start this blog so that I can freely express the changes I'm undergoing. It's almost been a year since I told at least some of the world that I'm gay. That was the most critical moment of my life so far. Never have I felt more vulnerable or more exposed in my whole life. This was critical because since then, I have gradually openned up more and more. Up until recently, I found myself incable of really experiencing love. It has taken me a lot of time to realize that was because I was afraid of truly being judged for who I really am.
Yesterday, and the day before, I watched the fireworks display in utter amazement. All around me were dozens and dozens of Americans freely celebrating their independence and freedoms. But for the first time, still not being an American myself, I celebrated my independence and my freedom. Also for the first time, I stood there in admiration and pride for my sacrifices and those sacrifices of all those that went before me to defend the freedoms in this country.
The tears filled up my eyes and poured so heavily, and the pride welt up in my chest. I cried uncontrollably in-front of an astonished lesbian couple.
I privately gazed at those two and then at the fireworks and thought to myself: That is what it means to be truly FREE!
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