Truth, be it told

I never realized I had a problem. I thought I had faced my demons over 2 years ago, and that I had over-come my past. I thought that I had moved forward and progressed. I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. I did the work, I put in the time and effort, and I was smooth-sailing ahead. I THOUGHT all of this was true.
The truth is...Well, the truth is that the TRUTH fucking hurts! I didn't realize I was so scarred from my past. I didn't realize that my lack of relating to people in my life, my feeling of disconnection and my memory lapses all stemmed from what I endured growing up.
One of the people I'm dating now came over to my house last night for the first time. We are both very independent and enjoy our personal space. I'm enjoying every moment of getting to know the people I'm seeing, but I'm also finding it incredibly nerve-wracking. For the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I am finding myself truly and totally vulnerable. I have never been more excited or more horrified in my entire life. I have had many dates. I have had many sudo-relationships--the kind that you label as one out of pure convenience, but the both of you are truly never fully committed; so no real deep-down core feelings are experienced or broken.--Mutual INFATUATIONS is what I like to call them; some have been brief, some have lasted years at a time. Regardless of their length, the common factor between all of them is that no real connection was ever truly made.
For most of my adolescent, and adult life, I have not understood why this has been the case. Perhaps, I did not understand at all, until last night. The odd part about it all, was the missing piece of the puzzle to resolving this life-long dilema was my DOG!--Yes, my dog Bailey. She has been in my family now for going on 10 years. We got her as a grown puppy, but still under 1 year. This dog, has seen me through learning to drive, first boyfriends, to coming back from going to war. She is about a medium-sized dog; half lab, part hound mix. She has a great personality, although at times one can find it quite annoying. For the most part, though, she's a sweetheart and a soul-full creature. She's great. And the greatest part about her is that she is a guard-dog...true to the core. She's broken our front door window many times while scaring off potential intruders. This, I believe is the main reason why our house has remained unintruded upon in the 20 years we've lived in it. I know for a fact, that given the circumstances, this dog would lay down her life for me. She is a TRUE woman's best friend!
With all that said, I had forgotten what all this dog had seen through me growing up. I had forgotten that she witnessed all the abuses...every last one of them since she's been with our family. I forgot that she had on several occassions, forgon her meal for the day, and been put out of the house for having bitten or snapped at the abusers. I had forgotten...and that was my self-defense. From one day to the next, I would just forget the day before in order to move ahead and not loose my sanity or my drive to not be brought down. I had forgotten about all this, but perhaps it stuck with me more than I cared for it to. It spilled over into my relationships, or lack-there-of. I have not ever been able to trust another human entirely enough to have a meaningful relationship...and I've been saving my heart for what I believed to be just "the one" right person. The truth is...I have not had my heart to give...until perhaps this year.
We were leaving my house when she started kissing me in my entry way. Bailey starred intently and looked like she was getting ready to snap at my date. I realized then that she had never seen a person kiss me inside my house the entire time she's lived with us. Anytime she has seen someone come that close to me, has been times when they were hurting me. It was her natural instinct to want to protect me. We stopped, and I starred straight into Bailey's eyes...for the first time, I saw her little soul...and I could see the pain that she had absorbed throughout these many years. She had gone through pain too. And she openned my heart and mind to the reality of my lack of connection...Abuse...by those that are supposed to bring you up and care for you. How can one possibly know how to trust, if one cannot trust those that brought them up? The answer is FORGIVE and FORGET. I had forgotten...and so I THOUGHT, I had forgiven. Today, I finally let go of that crutch...because I realized that although my parents abused me, they also loved me very much. People are human, and they make mistakes. They can only make amends and ask for forgiveness. But it is entirely up to the person on the receiving end how the mistakes made against them will affect their life and for how long. Today, I say it's enough. I'm letting it go. I'm ready to experience true love, and I am strong enough to deal with the possible pain that may come with it.

What Will Be Will Be, and Whatever Happens, Happens

I’ve always said, I don’t believe monogamy is natural; I believe it is a commitment we make despite our natural inclination, because of one reason or another. Until recently I never even imagined what could possibly make me, in the absence of threats to life and limb, want to make such a commitment. I’ve mentioned before that I thought it would happen when and if I fell in love… maybe, but most assuredly, I have to get there first. I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight, but maybe I believe you can have an intuition about someone when you meet - which can only be confirmed in the following synopsis: One day after you’ve been together for a while and gone through the first level of growth and developmental changes required of a new relationship, and successfully made it through to the next stage despite the challenges, simply because you want to - by virtue of your desire to be together. Maybe I haven’t had the right partner, maybe I haven’t been the right partner, maybe I haven’t worked hard enough to make it through the first level, maybe it wasn’t the right time… maybe…just, maybe I’ve listened to my gut and known from the beginning that the people I’ve been with in the past haven’t been the ones with whom I’ve wanted to make it to the other side…I look at my best friends' moms and dads and all they’ve been through in 20+ years, and I know it exists. There’s something to be said for waiting because sometimes people come in your life for a specific reason, and when that purpose has been accomplished the relationship is over. It’s good to spend some time at trying to discover why someone is in your life. Never before in the history of me have I been so present in my actions, words and thoughts. Despite the worldwind in my mind, I’ve managed to keep my wits about me and stroll slowly toward the L word rather than fall blindly into the abyss that is what happens when you move too quickly. I rather like taking my time and looking at what is and what isn’t rather than getting lost in what could be and missing something I need to see.What is just is and can only bloom (or not) if you let nature take its course. Sure you have to feed and water a thing to make it grow but doesn’t nature take care of that too? Sometimes a thing is not meant to grow and nature sees fit to let it die; maybe because it has served its purpose or maybe because it was not meant to be in the first place. It’s been a few days since I’ve spoken to my newest "friend," and while I have to admit I do miss seeing her- I am glad I haven’t. 1). it feeds the excitement 2) it gives us a chance to talk more without being distracted by physical things. and 3) it has allowed me to identify what I now know to have been a pattern. In previous new interests, it has always been difficult to tear myself away from the incredible high that comes with the first few days/weeks of newness. Have you ever noticed how sometimes when you are in a room with a specific group of people and having a great conversation and just feeling really good energy, someone leaves or someone new comes in and the energy totally changes and though you try, you can’t seem to get it back to how it was? Before I’ve been kinda reluctant to take a day or two off because because I’ve been afraid of a shift of feelings in myself or the other person. I’m now finding how necessary it is, to hanging on to perspective, and getting to know a person better. Without having your hands all over each other.
Perhaps in previous dating, myself and the other parties were all too eager for something to be there that wasn't. This is why now, I am okay with letting something truly develop out of it before I jump into it. What happens, happens. And I'm not going to try to make it happen, either. I believe when I've found the right person, things will just fall into place at their own time. I just have to have the patience to wait for it, and be more consciously aware of its presence when it has presented itself.