I hate My Job

People talk about being successful or not being successful, but the concept of success is very ambiguous. There is no need to pursue other people’s ideas of success. ~ Ichiro Suzuki
Ichiro’s statement is a perfect summation of both my silence and my struggle- what makes me successful, and am I? Have I really determined what that means to me, particularly with work?
Sometime back, I descended into a downward spiral of worrying. Professional worrying, as in:
“I hate my job.”
“I don’t hate it, so much.”
“I hate this company. GRRRR.”
“It’s pretty good here.”
“%$#@! I hate this company!”
“I’m a loser whiner punk-ass bitch who doesn’t know how good she’s got it.”
I’m not really able to discuss in detail all the events that led to me somewhat rectifying the spiral, but they amount to a few key events:
-Me acting like an ass and really pissing off a few important, much loved peers
-Them telling me to take a breath and DEAL, FOR GOD’S SAKE, LIKE AN ADULT
-Totally screwing up an opportunity to interview for a really cool job in another part of the company
Internalize, internalize, internalize. I’ve been so internalized I might as well have been deaf and mute for real, because that’s about how I felt. Communication and clear decision-making were not my forte during this period.
I finally had to take a mental health day, with bossly permission, and ponder my stress. I found a path through to a state of semi-sanity. With an even keel restored, I’m finally feeling like I might blog again. Lucky you. I think. I hope.
I haven’t resolved the questions that led me to my loathing the daily grind, such as “What do I really want to be when I grow up?” “Am I living an authentic life, or is my line of work just perpetuating a materialistic and empty way of being?” And similar thoughts.
So we’ll see. On the specific and much more narrow subject of blogging, I lost my Muse in the stress. She’s still in Mexico, I think, drunk on anejo tequila and gobbling up any authentic cuisine she can find. Perhaps this new template and a post or two that doesn’t suck ass will lure her back.